A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy about a year ago through a mutual friend. He had been out of a relationship for about 3 years and hadn't dated since the break-up. He and this woman had been together for almost 5 years. He had "f**kbuddies" but never really tried for more because he said emotionally he wasn't ready. We had talked and gotten to know each other and finally went out. We started opening up more and he really opened up to me one night about everything he wanted out of life. Four days later, out of the blue he just stopped talking to me. I couldn't get a response from him, it's like he completely shut me out. After I finally stopped questioning everything and realizing he just did us both a favor (about 4 weeks later) I check my phone and I have a voicemail from him telling me he wanted to explain things and he's sorry. I waited 4 hours, but finally caved in and called. He told me that his ex had called him and he never got over her and he didn't look back. Well, somehow it didn't work out between them and they split up. We're back to talking but it's on a whole other level. It's like at some points he wants a relationship, but at others he wants either a friendship, or a FWB sorta thing. It makes me nauseous, and I've told him how I felt and all he can respond with is "I don't know what to say" and he'll talk about how he loves his ex and everything, but why after over a year of taking things so slow and going from friends to more, finally seeing something progress, did this happen. It's like now I'm just there to be a band-aid to him because his ex re-opened old wounds that had finally started to scab over. Is he going to just write me off again if another old love comes back into his life? I care about him so much, but I can't keep pretending like I'm okay with the way things are going. I'm not going to lie, I know I've fallen in love with him. Nothing has ever been so easy but so hard at the same time. And I love him for his good and his bad. I don't judge him, but I do let him know when he's doing something wrong. When he talks about loving his ex I tell him that he always will. And he's honest, but will he forever be hung on her? I think at this point that there are people that are there at a certain point in life to make it good, make it bad, make it neutral, and sometimes it's just temporary...I think I'm ready to peel my band-aid away from him and let my own emotional scars heal. I only hope I find the strength to let go and move on because even coming forward with my own feelings just leaves me more confused as he says nothing other than "idk what to say to you"
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 He'd never been emotionally available from the start and you knew that. You went along with his ups and downs and somehow hoped that he's able to love you with your patience and persistence. You could not change him and felt like you failed a test. You don't want to acknowledge that you fell in love with the wrong guy and wasted your time and energy. Go back to your sentence "it made me nauseous." Maybe that's the feeling you are running away from. Be gentle to yourself. Falling in love is never a mistake. You had hoped his real self would come one day but after all he's just an illusion. Let him fade in the background. I am sure after this experience you would be more careful with who you involve yourself with.
A
female
reader, MiscellaneousG +, writes (2 June 2010):
Tell him you're not okay with his dumb generic response of "I don't know what to say to you". Let him know that it makes you nauseous that he has FWB and would want that from you. Tell him you want to be different and you need him to either be open to that healing process or stop leading you on. To be honest, my advise is to stop talking to him.
You have to respect yourself and love yourself before you try to respect and learn to love him. You obviously have feelings for him and it's obvious that you show and let him know that. That's all you can do--don't wait for him to heal. He can end up hurting you again. My rule of thumb is, if he's done it before, he'll do it again--regardless of how hurt he knows you'll be.
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