A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Frendship question: we ve been friends for a few years now. We ve met when we were adults with husbands and kids. We are the same age, but complitely different personalities. Frankly i never met anyone like my girlfriend: loud, extremely bubbly, talkative, too hyper for my taste. We get along fine though. Basically our friendship consists mostly of going out sometimes for a drink. She is a non-stop dancer (of-course) while i dance a little.To make a long story shorter i cant really have her in big quantities. Lately we started going out very seldom, may b once every 1-2 months. She also has a tendency of bouncing from person to person, talking, laughing all nite long, also dissapearing for half an hour at a time leaving me hanging there by myself.So, you get a picture. Yesterday we went out again, the same story. I am going on a big trip to Europe, first with my husband , and then i ll have couple of weeks to myself to visit my childhood friend in Greece, and then to Italy. I am really looking forward to this trip. This will be my third trip when i get to be by myself, i speak italian, and really looking forward to practice it in real world.I would never even mentioned the trip, if i thought of a possibility of her joining me. But as soon as she heard me saying it, she offered to come with me. She is a flight attendant, she can fly for free ona certain airlines. I was frozen for a moment, i didnt know what to say. Then of-course i said, yes, she can come. When i woke up the next day, i couldnt believe that was happening. I told my husband that i dont know what to do now, but there is no way i can travel with her. He offered to create some kind of lie, which i really hate to do. She is a friend, i wouldnt want her to lie to me. But what can i possibly tell her without lying, that she is loud, and restless when it comes to partying, and i cant stay up so late with her every day, and i can t just leave her in some bar by herself, as she doesnt speak the language, and its a foreign country. Its a dissaster for me.I feel like i m trapped in this situation, i feel even if i tell her some made up story she is not going to buy it. When i heard her saying about her intentions to join me, i probably had such an expression on my face, that later she said:'are u sure u want me to come?" This is when i probably should say "no, im not sure" lol. Any ideas?
View related questions:
trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): how exactly im being a fake, mizz butterfly? there r different kind of friendships,some very close,some not. This particular is not. We use each other equaly when we want to have a girls nite out,if u want to call it a ,use,. And next time when u give an advice try if u can not to b insulting,will you? For rest of responses that i got thank u very much. Was very helpful. I will talk to her honestly,without touching her personal qualities. You right,i cant take her on a trip. May b it would turn out well,but i dont want to take chances. thanks again.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (16 April 2011):
 I would say that you hadn't considered all the factors and logistics of the trip, but you had really been looking forward to some alone time and that you'd really prefer doing things your way. maybe this is too forward, but maybe you two could plan a smaller scale trip with some of those free tickets she gets. if not I still recommend ending on a note where you discuss what you're going to do next time you meet up. even though she sounded pumped to go, if she's as much of a flake as you make her out to be, she won't take it to heart, especially if she has all the chances in the world to do it one her own.
...............................
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (16 April 2011):
 how can u call her ur friend and not be honest with her?
ur acting as if ur 15 yrs old and ur a married woman in ur 30ies. why dont u tell her the truth? Tell her straight you dont plan on partying every night etc. I feel sorry for this woman because she has the guts,and feels comfortable to be HERSELF around u,while ur being fake. I am sorry to sound so judgemental but I cant believe how you are 30+ and still cant be yourself. Basically,you are using her whenever you want a night out.
Tell her politely that you two have a different lifestyle,and ask her if she wants to go on a trip that partying will not be the primary thing to do. I think she will feel offended,because u dont know her that well to assume she only parties and drinks....(as u said u only meet up to go dance)...This woman has a stable job as a flight attendant so I do not think she's that crazy. But if she is ,why are u her friend? Anyway... Just tell her straight up how the trip is gonna be like,and ask her if shes willing to do things ur way.Ask her what are her expectations of this trip,and tell hers urs.
U can do this by asking her to meet u for a coffee. Talk to her and be honest. Do not jump to conclusions,just ask her what her thesis is. Its good to see her at a different environment. Get to know her a bit :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 April 2011):
Hi there. Well obviously, you can't tell her she is too loud, because you don't want to offend her. Even if it is the truth.
However, what you can say is you are both very different from each other.
(1) She likes to dance all night long. Whereas you only like to dance a few times in the night.
(2) She goes off for half an hour and leaves you on your own and that this makes you feel uncomfortable.
She needs to be told this. Whatever she says, don't let it pursuade you to letting her go with you. She is what she is and she can't change. It is just her way unfortunately.
Really, you are going to have to be very direct - but respectful - and tell her that you really don't think it would work.
You are after all, going to be spending thousands of dollars on this big holiday, so you want to be sure it all goes the way YOU would prefer. Not trying to keep her in tow all the time, and not knowing where she is half the time.
If you did let her go, it would spoil your holiday. It would be a huge waste of money for you, because you didn't end up enjoying it.
You said yourself that she isn't that much of a good friend. You're not like sisters or really close.
Honesty really is the best policy here. Even she had an idea that you really weren't sure about her coming along.
So now is the time to come clean.
Tell her that at the time, you didn't know how to say "No". It caught you by complete surprise. You didn't want to offend her, as you were put on the spot - which in a way, you were.
Stick to your original plans and don't include her in them.
Just remember to be completely honest with her, but be considerate of her feelings and be respectful.
It's a case of being tactful, to soften the blow a little.
The truth is, you really don't want her to go. So keep that in mind in making your decision of how to break the news to her.
But please, don't hesitate any longer. You have to tell her as soon as you possibly can, so she doesn't start making elaborate plans of her own.
You don't want to spoil your holiday, you really don't.
Enjoy your holiday (your way!), take care and best wishes.
...............................
|
