A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.I was having a meal with four different friends at a restaurant we hadn't been to since the pandemic and because it closed due to COVID. Apart from takeout.I had to cross the state line and go 40 miles for this meal. But it was worth it as the Asian food was brilliant.The meal went well, up until halfway through the night.One of my friends, F, told us that she'd been dating a married man for the past 6 months and wanted to get with him full-time.Then another friend, B, said to her "Being with him full-time isn't great. Ask his wife. You don't really know this guy well at all. Living with him ain't gonna be as fun as you think. You don't know his bad habits, what the real guy's like. Be very careful what you wish for, it probably ain't gonna be fun. It's not a romantic drama, it's real life for fuck's sake"My friends were worried about her but J fired back:"He's leaving his wife anyway. Only been married for 16 years but she's more interested in looking cool for her gym buddies on social media than him and ignores him sexually and spends all her time meeting up with gym buddies online. We'll be good together."I didn't respond to J, didn't want to cause upset on what should have been a great girly day out/meal out.Am I wrong to think what B said is correct?The meal took on a more somber tone towards the end.Only me, B, D and E spoke to each other, F had a look on her face that was like "What were they thinking?" and playing on her smartphone.I'm now questioning my friendship with J after she kept continuing to message me via WhatsApp asking me to come and meet this guy.I don't want to be complicit in breaking up another guy's marriage or meet the guy she's dating just now if he's married.I've got a girlfriend but would never date a married woman, we've been together for 6 years now and live together.I'm past the dating stage and we're now in a serious relationship.My general question relates to affairs with married men. Obviously not something I can relate to or have ever done due to being, well, a lesbian.Is it correct to think that if my friend got together with her married man that being together full-time things would get mundane and real bad real quick?Forgot to mention that F told us all that the married man lives in a small town where everyone knows everyone else; F lives in a big city some 20 miles away.But also, why would F proudly tell everyone during our meal about her affair with a married man?We were discussing topics as mundane as the IRS, taxes, showbiz stuff, food and drink, and this interrupted the flow... especially as we'd been talking about IRS and TurboTax stuff beforehand.Now I'm questioning if I should even invite F to me and my girlfriend's 6th anniversary party which is happening in August or not.I thought F was a good friend, but obviously not if she's sexting me photos of her in dayglo outfits and whingeing via WhatsApp about not getting to be with her lover full-time and wanting constant meetups.Is F's situation very much a case of "Be careful what you wish for" and would getting her wish of having him full-time be more of a disaster than actually something she'd enjoy?I do care for my friends, worry she's getting herself into for something she can't handle especially as she admitted to me via text "It's first affair with a married guy, but the NRE is soooo good."NRE is New Relationship Energy for anyone unfamiliar with the acronym.I don't want to antagonize my friends but cutting off a friend who I've known since I was 14 and helpful to me as a kid, should I do so or not?I've known A, B, D, E and F since I was 14; well, D and E since I was 21 years old. A, B and F since 14.Looking for advice here on how to handle this situation.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): Did she ask for your opinion? Have you got some sort of qualifications that merits being listened to - therapist, counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist? No you do not. That is clear as you cannot work out the answer to this simple thing. None of what she does with a married man is your business, unless you say what she wants to hear it will not be welcome.
It would be stupid to get into discussions about it with her or any of them. Get busy with your own life and let her live hers.
She is stupid to think that being with this guy full time will be great - and it's always very stupid to date a married guy on the basis that you make do with part time until it is full time. Guys often say they will leave to string women along, or change their mind. And it does not follow they are compatible or he is cut out to settle down with just one woman even if it is the right one.
But she very short sighted and living in a fantasy world.
A
female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (6 June 2022):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/problems-that-might-be-faced-by-couples-whose.html
There's a link for you about this very subject.
The biggest problem that your friend faces is that her married partner won't leave his wife and she'll spend many months/years putting her life on hold waiting for him.
Your friend might find that the relationship becomes a little dull and mundane when the honeymoon period (or NRE or whatever new-fangled term people have created for it) but - this is not a problem unique to people who have affairs. It can potentially happen to any couple.
As for cutting your friend off... Well, this is a decision only you can make. I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from her but at some point in the future all this is probably going to blow up in her face and she's going to need all the friends she can get.
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