A
male
age
,
*ddy
writes:My GF won't say she loves me. We have been together 4 years, 3 most recent years living together. We both are divorced, but no baggage from prior marriages.I told her after 3 months that I loved her. She responded that she could not reply the same, and it would take time.She doesn't like needy men and I have been careful to not tell her I love her very often - maybe once a month. She never responds. We have a very good relationship in all other ways.If I ask her outright, I'm afraid she'll be put on the spot and just say what I want to hear. On the other hand, I feel I deserve to be with someone who I love and loves me in return.How should I approach her to get my answer?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): Your girlfriend may have self esteem problems, weirdly when women feel loved their self esteem rises and falls like a wave...sometimes when that hits bottom for her, she feel unworthy of your love and is therefore less loving towards you....this doesn't mean she does not love you, but can't love herself at that moment, and we all know that to really really love someone else, we have to love ourselves first.
So taking that into consideration, doing things for your girlfriend lets her know you love her, asking her how she wants to be loved makes her feel cherished, and all of that can help raise her self esteem, and make her more loving towards you...I would not freak out about the lack of the three words, some people are very deep about that emotion and find it painful to pull it up and speak it...she sounds like an introvert. Google introvert and study up on how to take care of one. She has been with you for 4 years and lives with you, perhaps she is waiting for you to ask her for marriage, which is what she needs to feel secure in your relationship, all women expect this from a man they deeply love, even if you are past the child rearing procreation stage.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 October 2007):
 Ariel, the core of Eddy's question is that he wants to know whether the person who shares his bed actually loves him. And he wants the answer to be spontaneous; he doesn't want her to tell him what he wants to hear, but what she really feels. And he doesn't know if there's a way to ask.
I wonder how many people in the world, who are truly in love, do not expect to be loved in return. Would you take a bet that most people DO expect to be loved, too?
Ariel, if you loved somebody, and you told him, what would you feel if this somebody said "I'm not sure I love you"?
On another line, Eddy's GF knows he loves her. The man wakes up by her side. They share everything. Would you feel you should tell the man where he stands?
Obviously the lady wants a relationship. She has one, for Christ's sake. What she doesn't want is to feel committed, by saying "I love you, too".
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male
reader, eddy +, writes (8 October 2007):
eddy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank Daniel. Actually I'm 54 and my experience is that it's normally the woman who wants to hear how her BF feels.
The only thing I can add is that early on she asked me if I had loved my Ex. I told her I did until we divorced. My GF sort of indicated that she felt a person could only have one love in their life. A weird viewpoint, but I wonder if that has any bearing.
I'd like to hear a woman's viewpoint. My feeling is that if you don't love someone after 4 years, why are you with them?
As far as moving out, she moved into my house and is renting her's out. It's a puzzling situation for me because we get along great except for this emotional void.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 October 2007):
Sir, I think you are getting it somewhat wrong here.
From your post, I understand you have already told your partner you love her. And, you have been repeating it once a month. Some women would find that very infrequent, but, in my humble opinion, you're saying it, and she isn't. How infrequent is never?
She gave you clear information when you first said you loved her: she said she couldn't reply the same, and it would take time. Apparently, "time" means "longer than four years". Suppose the tables were reversed. What if she had said she loved you, and you had retorted that you didn't yet, that it would take time, and four years went by?
You're starting to get upset about her not saying she loves you back. And I'm with you in this, sir. So far, the solid conclusion you can reach is, she doesn't love you, or she would say it. Can you live with that, and with her in these circumstances? I think that, in the long run, you wont. And you'll fall out of love.
I'm much younger than you are, sir, so I'm afraid I don't have all the life experience I really need to see life as a man of 59 sees it. And, I'm not sure if you'd be willing to take things to that point, at the moment, but, I would leave her if I were you. I would simply pack my things and leave (of course, I would talk to her about why I would be leaving; it's not like I'm suggesting you leave without telling her, just with a "forget me" note).
Some people would say that you'd need to talk to her first. I don't think so: you have waited long enough. If you ask her, or talk to her, she could do exactly what you fear, and say just what you want to hear. And that's not what you need.
Be strong, sir.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): I think if you love her as you say you do, you should tell more often than once a month that you love her, don't say it with the expectation of hearing it in return.
By the way, if you have reached your ages, there is no such thing as having no baggage....you both have some.
Another issue may be that you are not showing her you love her in the way she wants to be loved....often people have different ideas about this, so you may want to start a dialogue about what you could do for her to make her feel especially loved and cherished....would it be drawing her a bath, making her breakfast every day, or sorting the laundry or something more grand,.....you may be surprised in doing more and expecting less, your love will be returned ten fold.
Good luck.
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