A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Short question:I have found lots of violent porn on my husbands computer. 1st time. Never knew he looked at the stuff.OK, so now I want to discuss this with him, but have no idea how to bring it up, without him knowing that I was on his computer...There was a soft porn (women's tits only visible)movie on the Television and I thought this was the ideal chance to bring the topic up. So I asked what he thought about porn in general... And he was very vocal, but not in the way I expected! Something along the lines of something that "other sad men that is not in relationships do".So now I am stuck.Should I leave it? But no, this is not the way in a important relationship, I don't think.So please, tell me how to approach it?(And no, I wasn't sneaking behind his back looking at the computer, I just generally use my own, but he was away and I wanted to copy the design of one of his powerpoint presentations on to my computer. And when I clicked on explore the C-drive to find it, there it was "extreme pu$y punching" and others)But now I know, and cant undo that...What would not make a man defensive about bringing this up?Thanks guys!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I hear what you are saying.
He is basically a good guy. Why am I feeling this way???
Some part thinks I am going to lose him…
I also kinda think that I grew up in a very unhappy family. And during the worst times, even as a little girl, I would lie awake in bed, and comfort myself. Thinking that one day, someone s going to come and take me away from all this and I will be safe. I must’ve thought-hoped that a million times… This must cause expectations that cant neccessarily be met!
I had a previous marriage that ended very quickly.
So when I eventually met my current husband. He was what I had been waiting for. It did take me very long to relax with him and trust him. But he stuck with me. And now we have a decent life! I am upset at that which I perceive to be threatening this marriage, which I value so much.
I am faced with fears that I would rather not have had. Sure it is teaching me about myself, but I am not impressed with what I see.
Irealise that I have never thought myself worthy. And this is reinforcing that so much!
I think one can only be hurt if someone says/does something, which you already think/feel about yourself… And more so, the closer that person.
I may also mention that I was abused by an uncle at the age of 5y. Back in the 70’s. I dont think he was a pedophile as such, as he used to look through adult girly magazines. So, he used to take the centerfold out, and used it to cover my face so that he saw this naked woman as he used my body. So, I realized even then, that I was not even good enough to be raped for myself, I was raped for another woman. (Very warped 5y old logic).
This is not to make you sorry for me. Just to explain my background. I saw a very good psychologist for 3 years in my twenties. And I was ok with everything.
Unfortunately, not ok enough to deal with my husbands need to fantasize about other naked women.
I can see all this clearly. But emotionally I don’t want him to ever come near me again! (Yet I crave it)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Dear Quiet-Echo
Thanks for replying again...
The thing here is that I understand all this mentally.
He looks at other women, they are pretty or fascinating or whatever... He masturbates. It is over for a while.
He smiles at me and the children and continue as if nothing has happened.
So the emotion that he attaches to it is probably something like fun, entertainment, excitement…
But the emotion that I attach is along the lines of pain, rejection, hurt, loss of safety in the relationship, feeling unloved and a failure as a wife. It is some of the most powerful feelings I have ever had. And now I cant share them even with my best friend. Because he is the reason. I am so alone.
And I have come to the conclusion that I would rather leave him. than stay everyday for the rest of my life with these feelings. (And the shocker is that I generate these feelings in my own mind). I don’t know how to turn them off. I wish I could stop. So now this relationship and the children’s security rests on my decision.
I haven’t looked at his computer to see if he is still doing it. But the images that my brain is generating is very very vivid. I don’t need to see his browser history! I picture him doing it all the time I am not with him, looking at every naked woman in the entire world, 20x…
I picture turning up early from work, going in the back way, to catch him in the act…
I woke up 3am this morning crying.
So funny. Because he hasn’t changed. But I have! And so the dynamics of the relationship has. And that is not what it was before…
Every time i ring home and say: what are you doing hon? And he answers nothing, or this and that, or just relaxing. I imaging him sitting with an erection looking at girls… And I die
Is there anything that i can do?
The only way I can figure out is to stop loving him, then it wont matter if he stares at the girls…
But how can I stay with someone I don’t love?
Catch 22!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): Oh, and another thing...
We havnt had sex during this past week. (He has not wanted to).
Normally I would think nothing of it, thinking he is just tired, or just pre-occupied...
Now i wonder...
But in a way I am glad.
Because the thought of having to undress before him and be vulnerable as you are during the act, now makes me feel slightly nauseous...
I will have to do something about this at some stage though.
But words fail me.
I looked at a guy in the street today, and wondered whether I should be fantasizing about him or other men. But it feels like cheating...
I am still not ready to talk to him. Too emotional.I don’t want to destroy something good, if this is just something that I must understand better…
This is my mate.
But he seems different to me now somehow.
Please hold your thumbs for us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): Hi everyone.
I am the original poster
I just thought I would write and give feedback.
It has been more than a week now that I have lived with this knowledge. He of course has continued as if nothing has happened. Because he doesn’t know that I know.
I have not talked to any of my (never mind his) friends. This is to preserve his privacy and to give me time to think. So the isolation I feel weighs quite heavily!
Someone here said something about “emotional inconvenience”. Boy, is that spot on. To feel this pressure. And know that i t is all mine. I so wish I didn’t know, that I can go back to how it was before. But I look at him differently now. I have been staring at him, when he isn’t looking and feeling so tearful, it is unbelieveable. It has been a hard week for me. He is still the same husband, but I have changed. So he doesn’t look the same anymore to me…
Someone here suggested watching it with him, and I thought about that. But I really don’t want to. I can think of nothing worse than to look at his face and see him light up at the sight of other women. And that is where I will be looking, at his face… Because that is where I have always looked. When we go somewhere I look to see his expressions to see if he is happy, when I surprise him with a gift I look to see whether he is pleased. At the birth of our son he saw out baby first as he came out, and from the look on my husband face, I could tell that he was happy and the baby was ok, before I even saw the baby for myself. This face that I have spend years looking at when we are together, and imagining what it looks like when we are apart…
In the past we would send it other text messages every couple of hours during the day. And when I am at work, I think of him and what he is doing. And I hope he is ok.
But this past week when I pictured him at home (he finishes before me) and I would text him saying almost there hon, put on the kettle so long xxx. Now I picture him in front of the computer, face animated, looking at naked women punching and kicking each other’s private parts, Women begging men to kick them between the legs and thanking them afterwards, Women tied up with extremities turning purple from the ropes being too tight and using dildos of an impossible size, Women standing on each other’s breasts with high heels and fake blood pouring out of the heel puncture site.
That is what I imagine now.
Always when I come home he switches the computer off immediately saying that once I am home, he doesn’t want to “work ” anymore. And comes and talks to me about my day while I chop veggies. I used to think that is the sweetest thing in the world… Now I know why he jumps up and closes the laptop before I can set foot in the study! Nothing to do with wanting to be with me!! And everything to do with wanting not to be caught out!!!
Other than above stuff with shock and horror value- the fascination with the weird. He has gigabytes of “artistic nudes”. I don’t know which is worse. The weird porn at least has some ugly women and bears no connection to reality. I could not bear to look at it for long. But the artistic porn is beautiful. All young impossibly perfectly proportioned women. Nothing fake. Appears not to even have makeup on. Natural scenes. Barefooted naked dreamy look in her eye walking in a forrest with the leaves falling around her etc. I did not even know such beauty existed! Even in my disgust I could not look away, they were so perfect.
I stood in front of the mirror the other night. Naked. Looking at myself for the first time in years. The C-section scar, the crows feet, the eyes swollen from crying… OMG
My husband can tell something is not right, but he doesn’t probe. If I say I am ok, he shrugs and says ok, and returns to what he is doing.
I am so inexplicably sad.
Anyway, thanks for your answers. I check every hour.
Thanks for the link. I have ordered the book by internet. I hope it helps me to understand.
Maybe I should just leave…
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): Make sure he is the one who is behind it being there. Porn is a matter of opinion with couples,its the word violent that is worrying.It has eventually got to be sorted for your own peace of mind. If someone is into that then it will rear its ugly head again in the future,in whatever way or form.
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (15 July 2009):
Be honest. You did no wrong by using his computer. I'm unsure why you are hesitant and worried about upsetting him. You certainly need clarity on this as you had already asked him about his values on this and he said that it is for other sad single Men. Whether he gets defensive or not is irrelevant. If you present the situation to him as it happened without a tone in your voice, it is simply up to him to clarify things. I would make certain first that noone else has used his computer and even ask him about this first. He deserves to have his explanation heard. From there, you will know where you stand on the issue of porn in your relationship. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): hes prob very curious about this, hed never want it in real life but still likes to watch it, btw all men watch porn i found a load of porn sites on my mans history and for some reason hes embarrassed about it, i told him outright to clear his history when hes looked at the porn lol why dont you watch some of it with him not the stuff your not comfortable with, but its a great turn on at times, but the rest of the time leave him to it..hes only a man after all bless them..
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