A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I found out my boyfriend did drugs (ecstasy) before he met me. We have been together for a year and we plan to get married in two years. He told me he did it 7 times over a span of 2 years, of which 4 times was with his ex. The most recent time was just 2 months before he met me. Although I felt taken aback, I told him I appreciate him for his honesty. I don't do drugs. I feel they are harmful and have the potential to be addictive even though there are people who consume ecstasy and are not addicted to it.I remembered before we got together, my Boyfriend told me he didn't do drugs. So this has been quite a bit of a news for me. I asked why he lied about it then and he said he didn't want to scare me away. He doesn't do it now but he is thinking of doing it again. He told me he would do it only at home with me. But he wouldn't be addicted to it.I don't know what to feel now. I'm more sad about the fact that he lied about drugs before we got together than him doing drugs (never though I'd be with someone who did drugs and still want to do drugs) How do I cope with this? (I also don't want to do drugs. You never know what kind of other substances ecstasy has been laced with by street criminals although my Boyfriend told me there is a guy he goes to for ecstasy)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2015):
 Ah well.... if he's got the guy to go to for ecstasy- then it's all right then ! Maybe this guy is the President of the British Association of Ecstasy Pushers ; he knows that if he gives your bf some tainted crap which will make your bf have a massive heart attack or a sudden kidney failure, he is standing to lose his reputation, he won't be invited anymore to the yearly International Congress of Ecstasy Pushers , he won't get to read them his well researched papers about "Mystic Extasy versus Chemical Ecstasy " etc.etc. He would never risk that !
Sorry OP, I may also not have a problem with people who uses recreational drugs as long as their use does not generate antisocial or criminal behaviour, but I do have a problem with adults who do not own their actions and do things without even knowing fully well what they are doing, with all risks , complications and consequences. Ecstasy IS dangerous, just this past summer in my area only, we had 4 kids ( all under 20 ) kicking the bucket because of "happy pills " and if you object that 4 is not that many over maybe 10.000 or 50.000 or X thousands kids doing the same ,.. I bet that when is your child or brother or bf even just one feels way too many. But, that's not the point, what he is wlling to risk in change of what , that's for him to figure out. The point is :
He LIED to you. He did not mention his drug use " because he did not want to scare you off " which means : because he wanted to deprive you of your right to a conscious, informed choice ,like : do I care about this guy so much that I want to date him even if some things he does are totally against my values and morals, or not .
He did not want to risk rejection, so basically he misrepresented himself about something that was IMPORTANT to you. His chemical escapades may not be a big deal in themselves, or not a big deal for other girls, but for you they were , because you are drug-free and drug-adverse and, I suppose , you wanted a drug-free and drug-adverse bf as well.
To me it's as if he had introduced himself as a single man, knowing that you were looking for a single partner, THEN, after a few months , when he has reeled you in and you have developped feelings and you are nice and attached by now- it comes out that , ah,hum, well- he sort of has a wife.
You say you don't know how you feel - and I can't tell you how you should feel. I can only tell you how I,personally, would feel : MAD. Absolutely furious. As one who realizes she has been manipulated and bamboozled and being made look like a mug.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 October 2015):
 Hi you are between a rock and a hard place. IF he had told you he had done Ecstasy when you first met him you probably would not have dated him and this wold be a moot point.
HE LIED to you so that you would go out with him and get hooked and now what you know in your heart goes against your beliefs is contrary to what you feel about this man.
Look at it this way.. he lied to you. His reason was to manipulate you into liking him enough to eventually look the other way against something that you don't believe in. Whether or not he was conscious of this does not matter. He may not have done it fully aware of it but it was still a choice he made to lie to you.
Now if that was the ONLY issue and he was past that part of his life and was truly repentant then I would say try to work it out... my concern is this:
He is expressing a desire to take this drug again...
As someone who smokes weed daily I know that my "addiction" is not a physical one but a mental one. And I know that use escalates.
for example.. i did not smoke for years and years and years (decades really) and then once it was available and I was with someone (current spouse) who accepts it I started smoking again... at first it was just at his place NEVER in public... then it was just on the weekends...
then it was just blah blah blah... now it's whenever I'm home and yes I will go out in public high... etc...
we become totally desensitized to the fact that we are doing something that is not normally acceptable.
His expressing a desire to do it again only at home is indicative of the fact that he's not done with this drug.
If you say "yes" to this then "only at home and only with you and only on Saturday night" will slowly but surely creep into "only at a friends, only on non work nights etc"
You have every right to not want to be with someone who does drugs you don't accept or approve of. Sadly you have no choice but to just say no to his use of drugs since that is what you want and believe.
IF you accept his use of this drug at home, that's a green light for him to push you to accept "i'm going to the club with the guys and I'll be taking pills" and then "I won't be home tonight I"m going to Bob's to drop tabs" or whatever.
You have every right to make your choice to say no to drugs. HE has every right to say NO to staying with you if you say no. Both are fair and appropriate actions.
NONE Of this would have happened had HE been HONEST with you from the beginning. Remember that as you move forward.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2015):
 You decide if this is a deal-breaker or not and act accordingly.
To me the lying about it is not a good sign, because if he lied about that what else did he lie about" to not scare you away" and what else WILL he lie about to "not get in trouble" with you later on?
Ecstasy can be addictive - it all really depends on the product (what is it cut with) and the person taking it. The biggest problem for most ecstasy users is that they have NO way of knowing what's in it. And they need to increase the dose EACH time they try it again, which can lead to other drugs. It's a drug many consider harmless, but it's not.
Ecstasy can cause kidney, liver and brain damage, including long-lasting lesions (injuries) on brain tissue. Even a small amount can be toxic enough to poison the nervous system and cause irreparable damage.
And what is he reasoning for wanting to try it again? Is it one that makes sense? (to you).
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