A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for over 4 years. It's been a difficult relationship many times where we break up and get back together again. The way I see it, my boyfriend has real difficulty with low self esteem (although he comes across as a real macho type). He is easily offended about many, many things. He will "save up" seemingly harmless things I've said and then tell me much later how much I've hurt him, etc. etc. I love my boyfriend. We are different people, for sure (he likes sports, I like to read. He likes beer, l like wine. He would like to live far away from neighbors, I don't mind neighbors and am more social, etc.), but I truly accept my boyfriend for who he is. I've never tried to change him, and I accept his personality and his likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc. Recently,he told me that he feels as though he's auditioning for a play when he's with me. That he must follow a script that I have written for him. That he must hold himself to some unattainable standard that I have set for him. I honestly don't know what he's talking about! I have never once in all the time we've been together EVER wanted him to change or alluded that he's not enough or good enough. In fact, it's kind of the opposite. He's actually mocked me and "people like me' who drink wine, read books, or who are "book smart". (He often refers to himself as being more street smart…but the concept of "smarts" have never been brought up by me…only by him.) We have ended our relationship yet again. I can't allow myself to go back again. I can't hurt him the way I'm obviously doing. I honestly don't think this is anything I'm actually "doing". I really feel that the way my boyfriend feels is his own insecurities talking, and that he somehow puts it on me and blames me for "making him feel that way". Either way, if being with me makes him feel that way, whether I'm doing something ON PURPOSE or just by being me, it's not a good thing and I don't see us lasting and being happy together. It's breaking my heart because I love him. We've been to therapy. We've seen two separate therapists, but each time if the therapist focuses their attention on him, even in the most innocent way (one time the therapist said to him "you sound like the kind of person that wants to make everyone happy"), it makes him very upset and he starts arguments with me when we get to the parking lot. Usually after something like this happens, my boyfriend calms down after a few days and starts texting me about how much he loves me and starts back pedaling about the things he said. He's already downplayed the things he said about the auditioning, the script, etc. I love him. I miss him. But we've done this dance many times. I don't think this time is going to be any different. How can I make this time different and stay away? Or is there a way to make him understand that I want him to be himself around me and that I love him the way he is?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2015):
 How can I make this time different and stay away?
Block his number, go no contact and stick to that. Don't "let" him wheel you back in.
It doesn't sound like a good and healthy relationship, whether it's his insecurities or just who he is, he is making it ALL about YOU. All the bad things that have happened in the relationship, how he feels... all your fault (according to him) and I don't think that is fair. Not one bit. And that is the biggest reason I say go no-contact, not for his sake but for yours.
You can't make him understand that you love him for who he is, you have done that for 4 years and he STILL doesn't get it.
Sorry.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2015): There's a great book called "codependent no more" that you might want to read it sounds like you guys just have a very emeshed relationship
Try a support group too? Maybe the isolation Brings you back together but if that was different...
Good luck!
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