A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:really need some good advice as this problem is really upsetting me . ive been with my partner 3 years and have lived together for 6 months with our baby . i recently found that he had looked at gay porn on the internet. he says hes not gay and says "every one looks" and he will never do it again . i now find myself checking his search history and hate even leaving the house incase he does it again , i did see that he looks at straight porn also . this has left me feeling really upset at he doesnt really come anywhere near me and i feel i dont want to now go near him either. am i just being silly and over sensitive? im worried about leaving him as i dont want my baby without a dad but i also dont want to be unhappy and upset anymore . i thought i knew him but i obviously dont .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): Very normal. I look at both male and female gay porn and I'm a straight female! It's just natural human curiosity and sexuality.
A
male
reader, Geta  +, writes (10 January 2014):
If I was you I would explore the gay porn little more to see if he is excited about doing the guy (desiring a male) versus being done (desiring anal sex). If it is second one then that us something you can fix yourself in the bedroom and turn your concern into pleasure.
As for porn in general you could also watch it with him and turn it into mutual pleasure.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2014):
 This is why I really LIKE the website, it will give you insights from male/females.
The men are right. There are many reasons why a guy would watch porn. Straight pron, gay porn, any porn really. And it's a different perspective then how many WOMEN view it.
Your bf probably started out with more tame stuff and straight stuff. Curiosity is just a click away from that. Doesn't mean there is a chance he is gay or even bisexual. JUST that he was curious. I have asked my husband this many times because I was curious as to who straight people watch gay porn and he said, it's not really that it's gay, it's just different. Men DO men, differently then women DO men and women DO women very differently, then men do women, if you get the gist.
I don't watch porn myself. I just find is fake, lame and sleazy. It doesn't excite me. But my husband does. And I really don't have a problem with it. Like WiseOwlE said, you do not have a right to POLICE his sexuality (talking masturbation here not cheating or that kind).
He might have been resorting to the porn and wank due to the baby and to NOT pressure you into sex that you might or might not feel ready for again after giving birth. Having a baby takes a LOT of adjustment in a relationship and definitely in the bedroom.
A lot of people will tell you that PORN is not a big deal. I think it is, specially for women. Most porn is made by men FOR men and is about manly prowess.
And unfortunately most women who are "against" porn feel they can't compare. But like BOTH "UNCLES" explained it's not about sex or love or even lust, it's about making the job at a wank faster and easier.
I would talk to him about not feeling wanted after the baby (if that is how you feel)- and I would also try and explain WHY you don't like him watching porn. Don't expect him to promise to NEVER do it again, because that is unrealistic. I wouldn't doubt that before you two lived together he viewed porn too. The thing is though, does he TREAT you like he expects you to BE a pornstar ? Or does he treat you in a way you WANT to be treated?
And I agree with Cerberus who said you should FOCUS on re-kindling your intimacy and each other.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 January 2014):
Don't worry! Yes, it's normal, and sadly it also seems to be normal for women to freak out about it, though I wouldn't recommend it.No, he probably isn't gay. The vast majority of human beings have some attraction or curiosity towards the same sex, it just isn't as socially acceptable for men to admit it. I'm very glad my own husband and I are able to openly communicate, and no, it doesn't bother me on those occasions when he looks at gay porn, in fact I find it hot.You can't change what turns him on. You either need to lovingly accept who he is, or let him go. Your current actions are extremely damaging to both of you and to your relationship. If you continue the way you are, it will destroy your relationship in a horrible way.So you see, you have a choice to make! Keep your wits about you and choose wisely, and for the love of Pete stop going ballistic over it!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 January 2014):
Everyone definitely doesn't do it, but it doesn't make him gay. Just curious. Not even bi-curious, just good old fashioned curious.
Personally I don't have a problem with it in the least, but it's just not something I'm remotely interested in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): First you are not silly and oversensitive. I do not agree that porn is harmless to a relationship but that has more to do with the abusive way women are treated and represented in it. Also that men have a version of sex fed by porn that may well unlikely to be replicated by a wife or girlfriend. That is a whole different topic but is at the root unfortunately of what 'threaten' a relationships intimacy and confidence a woman has in herself. Its a shame men dont have more respect for that possibility and take it seriously instead of justifying their actions. I would be disturbed at my boyfriend looking at gay porn but if it is just inquisitive stuff as part of the whole so be it. I think its time you asked your boyfriend to babysit more often while you go out and have some me-time with friends and stop feeling like a prisoner.... Your focus is too much on him. If, now you have told him you are upset, give him a chance to show you he cares.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): You found something shocking and your reaction is normal, not silly or over-sensitive. Who wouldn't be surprised.
I've prepared a lecture.
If you view porn, you are likely to browse all sorts of porn out of curiosity. Guys who watch porn aren't usually prudish about sex. There is no limitation where the curiosity may wonder when something is a novelty to you. Women will never understand male sexuality; or why men are so drawn to porn of any kind.
I am going to bring up some points that will be quite direct. I am not attacking you; but you're pushing 40; and mature enough to have a lot of things figured out by now.
I find it somewhat intrusive and ridiculous that you won't leave the house thinking you're policing his sexual behavior like a 13 year-old boy. You're not his mother.
Smothering him under protective custody will force him out of your life. You say leaving is not a preferred option.
If you don't like what you know; it may be become an option to consider.
No adult male, whether he watches porn or not, is going to allow you to police his sexual habits. If you have issues about male masturbation, you don't know a thing about men. You have unhealthy notions about sexuality in general; if you think he shouldn't masturbate. That is what porn is for.
During pregnancy when sexual activity slowed down, or any time sexual intercourse slows down, men may turn to masturbation. Porn is used for visual stimulation. He has no emotional attachment to the image, it causes sexual arousal. It doesn't mean you are any less attractive, or unattractive. Feeling that way is your own problem. If you have issues with body image, or your looks; that would be your problem to deal with. No man on earth has to take the fall for that. Unless you've literally been told that you're unattractive; then that's a direct and cruel attack on your feelings.
Self-esteem is offered by nature for the taking. If you feel inferior to others, there are books, counselors, and therapy for that. You can actually improve on that.
Go to a gym, lose weight by eating a healthy diet, exercise, or go to a beauty salon. These are all available to lift and repair self-esteem; and change body image. So if you decide to kick him out. Consider this as part of your recovery system. It is evident you took a blow to your self-confidence; and fortunately you have some control over that.
Let no man ever diminish how you feel about yourself, by some foul deed; or lower your feeling of self-worth.
People who snoop around on their spouses and partners come to this site an emotional mess or just confused, after finding things. They're usually shocked.
Spying on your mate is a sign of profound trust and security issues. I think you feel your relationship is unstable in general. After snooping on their partners; people are afraid to confront them. They don't want to admit they've been snooping around behind their backs.
People who over-react to things make it easier to lie to you. If you want the truth, you have to be calm and level-headed; to make it easier for your spouse or mate to tell you the truth. No one likes a freaked-out over-dramatic reaction to anything short of murder. You found out what you know by snooping. Now it's a trust issue.
Then it's distrust and invasion of privacy, versus porn use.
You take a lot of punch out of your argument; when your mate finds out you snoop behind their back and don't trust them. How would you feel if you found out he left hidden cameras about the house to watch you when he isn't home? It would infuriate you. You probably have little habits of your own that would totally embarrass, if not incriminate you. We all feel violated when people snoop around on us. People who can't trust, can't be trusted.
So what's the difference?
Address the issue of gay-porn directly. Make it clear you barely tolerate porn; but gay porn is pushing you to the limit. As calmly as you can; ask him if he is gay or gay curious; and tell him exactly how you feel if he is gay.
Give yourself time to digest any possibility. Run it around in your head. I'm sure by now, you've lost sleep over it.
Being honest about your feelings toward his possible bisexuality will either bring you the truth, or a lie.
I would err on the side of caution and consider that he might be bisexual; then come to terms on how you feel about it; if you want to continue being in a relationship.
The time to deal with it, is now. Not later up the road when you're an emotional mess from worry, and he has totally destroyed your self-esteem.
None of this is your fault. You are a new mom, you are protective of your family, and you don't know how you should deal with a man who may be sexually attracted to men.
If you have something good otherwise; you've been happy thus far. You both will make it through this.
Don't force yourself or torture yourself; if this is more than you are able to deal with. You have a right to follow your heart, and what you can live with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): I wouldn't say you're "silly and over sensitive" when your sex life has diminished and he seemingly is interested in others even if it is just for a wank.
Not everyone does it but to say 'most' wouldn't be inaccurate. OP I've looked up gay porn plenty of times and I'm not bicurious or anything like that. My wife and I watch lesbian porn from time to time too and no that's not different, she's not a lesbian.
OP you do realize there's a big difference for guys between a 2 minute wank and actually having sex with a partner? I mean in times when I have no libido I still need to pop one out every now and again to relieve stress or just to prevent a build up. A wank isn't even sexual, and the porn I watch to make it faster has no value to me other than to make arousal happen fast through the use of a visual cue. It's not even nearly a substitute for having sex with my wife, so I don't use it that way.
now others might jump on the idea of a porn addiction but frankly your circumstances, having a baby in particular, could go some way to explaining why your sex life has dwindled. That's the main issue here. I have a feeling if you had a healthy sex life him using porn to have a quick wank wouldn't bother you as much if at all because you wouldn't feel replaced.
Now he's promised he won't do that again, and that frankly solves the "porn issue" but again that's not the real issue. Which is why you're here.
OP there is nothing better than a baby for killing a sex life, not only are they a lot of work but for guys we have to get used to the idea of not getting sex for a while and not pestering our partner for it. It's only normal and natural for a sex life to suffer during pregnancy and after the birth. It may well be that he formed bad habits in that time to relieve himself without putting a guilt trip on you for not being available for him sexually. It's something you must discuss with him.
I'd approach with the goal of having your needs met and ignoring the porn element and focusing on rekindling your sex life. Making time outside work commitments, parenthood and all that stuff to just be a couple again and be intimate.
Focus on that, OP. Focus on getting your needs met and not denying him his. Because even if he's not allowed to watch porn he does have to ejaculate frequently as a release so he'll still wank. Focussing on the negatives of all this instead of trying to redirect his attention to you is not going to work and will only cause you more stress, when you're both probably a little tired and worn out from being new parents. Be careful not to draw up lines of battle here OP, or it will just grow and explode. You both need to back down from this and focus on the core issue of you being a woman, who needs to feel wanted and sexy, now more than ever and he has to step up and make that happen but he can only do that if he knows what you want and how you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): Is it the porn that upsets you or is the fact that it's gay porn?
Whatever the response may be, how is the quality of your relationship. Does you make love, get intimate and feel mostly satisfied with your relationship with him?
If you do then there's no harm done do your relationship by what he's done. He might just be bi or curious.
If your relationship is not that great then you need to find out why. Has it always been like this between you two? When did it change, how has it changed. Think of specific examples. Then talk to him to find out what's changed and what you can both do as a couple to fix it.
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