A
male
age
51-59,
*eelsick
writes:I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a 41 year old professional woman (a maths teacher in Worcester UK who goes to church and acts like she has high standards) where we have drifted due to stresses that happened such as burglaries, business being destroyed, serious family issues etc. that affected things but we never argued at all and these events have now gone. In fact we are (appeared to be) on the road to getting ourselves back on track but I was told that she joined datingdirectaffinity last week by a work colleague of hers who I know socially. I checked and there she was, having joined a week ago. I confronted her and she said that she signed up at a friends for a laugh, but then she went home and put her picture on it. She has not paid the subscription (yet, but I expect she will-why else join?). She says she regrets it and was looking for attention etc. and that she wouldn't have acted upon it. She has issues such as work stress, house subsidence etc. that have stressed her and she said her mind was all over the place. I have had bad events in my life, but never joined a dating site to get attention/self esteem. I find that hard to believe she wouldn't have acted upon it and clearly had no respect for me by doing it.I feel so heartbroken and cannot sleep at all. I told her that I need a month away to get my head together. She has said sorry over the phone and that she regrets it and understands my need for space. I really felt too low to shout and bang on her front door-it felt like 'whats the point?' when normally I would do such a thing out of anger. I have been so calm to her and spent 5 hours until 3.30am last night on the phone to her where she was crying and apologising (not begging for forgiveness or anything that emotional though), but I was incredibly calm almost like I didn't know myself.What should I do? What should I expect from her now? I am such a mess at the moment and feel that she is a selfish, narcisitic and shallow woman. Am I over playing it? What would you do?I can't tell you how grateful to hear the opinions of others who can be objective I am. Please help!
View related questions:
heartbroken Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Betrayal is very hard to swallow -- especially if you are on receiving end. Your feelings are certainly justified -- don't let her or you tell you otherwise.
There are really two ways to go here:
1) Forgive your girlfriend: In a moment of weakness she chose the easy way out and neglected to think of you and how you might feel. It sounds like you were already heading to breaking up because of issues in your lives. She took the first step of moving on because of the lack of intimacy in your lives. I think this could be an opportunity to be sure each other is #1. Also, it sounds like you need to resolve those issues immediately so that you can be close to one another. Lack of intimacy is often a killer in a relationship. Own up to the rift that you caused and see if you can close it. Be absolutely sure that she is willing to go the distance for you too. If one person is doing all the compromising and work, your relationship will NOT work out.
2) Move on: Your girlfriend has shown that she isn't really serious about fixing the relationship. She betrayed you. Nobody puts up a profile on a dating site unless they wanted to be flirted with or wooed. Instead of telling you that she needed you she went looking for someone else.
I certainly would NOT encourage you to take as long as you think you do to wonder about your relationship. If you wait that long, the resentment, anger, separation will continue and she'll question whether YOU really want to be with her. There is an intimacy problem here and by "thinking" about it for a month, you will only widen that gap.
You know the details of your relationship and what you've put into it. Take a day or two and ask yourself if this is the woman you want to invest another 5 years in. Does she have good problem solving skills? Can you trust her when things go bad? Has she pulled her share of the weight in the relationship?
I wish I had a concrete answer for you, but that is solely yours.
Eddie
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 February 2013):
 I have been through the same thing but with a guy I dated for 3 and a half years(we lived together).
It was devastating to find him on a dating site and like your partner first he said it was for a laugh, then the pictures went up and then came the 'meeting for a coffee'
He did this several times and like an idiot I took him back everytime he came around to apologise...then he'd do it again.
In the end I couldn't take the pain anymore because I loved him but was not so stupid to see he was looking for a way out...it was hard to walk away and I suffered from depression for a good while, trying desperately to get over things and regretting the loss of hope and happiness.
Despite what she says...she is looking for a distraction and you have to question why she thinks it ok to treat you like you don't matter in all of this.
I think the most galling thing is the whole 'testing the water...dipping a toe into the dating pool without being honest to the partner left behind. It's like you have been reduced to a back up plan...someone to go back to if it all goes to shit...
But as the one left behind, I personally found it easier to be responsible for my own well being and to realise I was being taken for a fool...so I was the one who walked away. \it would have been so much worse to have stayed and clung on to a cheat and a liar.
My heart goes out to you, I totally identify with your confusion and pain...I know how sickening it is.
My advice would be to remove yourself from the vicinity as soon as possible and let her be the one who has to mend things...because this isn't your fault and she has to realise how hurtful she is being.
Best of luck to you xx
...............................
|
