A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:What do I say to him? Where do I go with this?I met this guy about a month ago. We went out for coffee and on the first date we clicked instantly. He's actually everything I've been looking for; smart, funny, handsome, a great listener and very patient and understanding. Its now been 8 dates we've been on and he's asked me if we should become officially boyfriend/girlfriend.This is my problem, however. Im still a bit scared since the only other guy I've been with cheated on me and therefore I dont know if I can fully trust him to not do the same. He said he'll never hurt me but can I trust his word just yet? He's also been on 20 dates in the past 9 months (all only 1 or 2 dates) and says they mean nothing because he's found me. What do I do? I want to be with him but Im scared of opening up my heart to get hurt again.
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male
reader, Omegahero09  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Softtouch (again) lol hit the nail on the head. I wanna just chime in and say that if he IS a great guy as you say he is, then he will certainly wait and have patience.
And feel comforted too! There are not that many of those great guys out there, and if you have found one, and he likes you- keep him!
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 You need to take your time with him and he has to be patient.
One thing he needs to understand, and you have to explain to him is that you've been in other relationships where you suffered infidelities.
Make sure you make it clear to him that you're not judging him and that you need to work this through before you commit to anything.
This being the case, you want to make sure that he's on the level and you need to feel confident in him and you can trust him. Likewise, he needs to know that he can trust you as well and understand that you're being honest with him.
If he doesn't have patience for you, and he can't understand, then maybe its not exactly right.
It sounds to me like you're following the right path this time and here's why in case you missed it:
1. You've definitely set some boundaries here. You want to know the guy and his character before you start considering him a steady boyfriend. That means you want to make sure that he's serious about you and not playing you and the rest of the field. Let him know this. Honesty builds trust between you. If he believes you then he'll be patient.
2. Once you're satisfied with the character issue, then you two have to work on the other trust issues and security issues. How secure do you feel in the relationship? How secure does he feel? What are the limits that you both have set for yourselves and each other?
3. Once you've built some trust and mutual respect, maybe you can move on to more emotional intimacy and possibly some physical intimacy.
4. If you've gone that far then you can focus on making your relationship a committed relationship.
No one ever got hurt taking their time to know each other first before taking larger steps.
In your case, you need to know that you can trust him and he needs to know that you're sincere and you just want to make sure he's right for you.
If he really wants you in his life, and he respects you then he's going to be patient and give you the time and attention that you deserve in order to decide for yourself.
I know its kind of painful for a guy to have to wait like this, but if you're up front about it and he's interested in you, he'll wait.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Yep well that is a chance you just have to take for yourself. My mom didn't find the right one until she was 30 and I know many others that went through hell before it came together. Heart Break is part of life, and although it is painful, being afraid of it will accomplish nothing. What's that saying? There is nothing to fear but fear itself. He sounds like a nice guy and he's been searching for someone like you as well. No doubt he has had a lot of heartbreak as well if he has been on that many dates. You shouldn't judge this guy based on another guy's past wrong doings. You can learn from it sure, but not judge. If he's everything you've been looking for then give it a shot. It's hard to move on from the past but that is a decision you can make for yourself. Good luck to you
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