A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My 19 year old son just told me that his girlfriend of one year is 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. Her parents have made it clear to her that if she keeps the baby that she can not stay with them. Right now, my husband and I are raising our 2 sons, and my 19 year old son already has an 18 month old daughter. That he has custody of and she lives with us. I want to be supportive of my children, but at this point I just don't know what to do. My husband is furious,he said that he is done raising kids and just can't take on another baby. I want to be supportive but I just don't know what to do. I have talked for hours and hours on end about safe sex to both of my sons, I feel like I am talking to the wall. I thought once he went through one pregnancy and a child that would scare some sense into him but I guess it didn't. What do I do? Should I just turn my back on them or help raise yet another child? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dalmatian  +, writes (11 September 2009):
Please don't turn your back on this new grandbaby. It will bother you if the baby is being raised in a bad home or
worse. At least if you raise the baby there will be
love and safety.
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 September 2009):
 why does your son have custody where is the childs mother is she paying child support.
You need to light a fire under your sons ass and your husbands too what the hell is your husband doing that your son is still breathing to be this irresponsible.
at 19 hes still a kid if you ask me hes a kid with kids, and if hes living under your roof and off your dime he will do as you say, if the fire under his ass gets hot enough he will jump out the pot.
The chilldren are the victims here what ever you do you cant make them suffer for the sins of their father, but you need to lay down the law here your husband and you will be judged by how your children turn out. you cant make them drink but you sure as hell can drag em to the well.
You need to treat your son like hes 13 since its obvious hes not ready to be an adult.
No more gfs
get a job
go to school
Pay his way as much as he can.
your support for him should be based on him taking care of those things not one or two but all.
He needs to pay rent, he needs to learn to be responsible,
dont nag him tell him what you expect and give him a deadline 3 months sounds good to me to accomplish all those goals.
Under your roof means under your rules
You cant just abandon your son now becuse you paved the easy road for him no its time to get rite.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Being in my early 20's, I have to say you really need to teach him a lesson. I know how harsh this sounds but if he is old enough to go out and make babies then he has to be old enough to deal with the consequences. This is something that I've always been brought up to believe, and I know if I fell pregnant, my parents would pretty much be the opposite of supportive if I wasn't in a secure relationship. And I wouldn't expect them to put me up. I'm sure there is a way this can be sorted amicably, but he has to understand that at 19, you're no longer obliged. I know parenting is a life long job, but the idea is now as a grandparent, you really need to be giving the babies back at the end of the day! Your role as the 'bringer upper' should be over!!
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Since you are not happy it's time to tell your son and his partner that they're now to ready themselves to be on their own and to assume fatherly and motherly responsibilities for their kids' sake. You'll help where you can but they've made their decisions and now they must live with them.
There is no point in either of you resorting to heroics that will be neither appreciated nor used to further their education. Furthermore, your husband is furious with his son for his lack of responsibility (and how!) and you cannot bear raising any more kids. They've made their beds and now they must lie in them.
If worse comes to worse and they fail at being parents then they can put their kids up for adoption as you've abdicated that role.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): I think we all make mistakes in life. I want my children to know that I am here for them no matter what. Maybe instead of cutting him off you can help him get support to move into govt housing and become a dad, perhaps that will help him grow into his responsibilities. I don't know how it works in Canada, but from my knowledge of social housing, the age of the kids involved means they should be able to secure something. Maybe at this distance they can start to appreciate the hardships of parenting without being totally cut off from you. This may sound harsh and obviously I know not every situation is black and white, but if my mum turned me away in my hour of need, I don't think our relationship would ever be the same. I'm surprised the girls family has proved to be so uncompassionate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): My dear you have the right idea. but doing the wrong thing. There's something called tough love and you need to exercise it.
Firstly you said that your grand daughter lives with you? Yeah well he's not gonna learn from that if you were willing to take care of his own kids. And now you feel like its your choice to take care of his other kid? Are you serious? Why can't he take care of his own kids? He's 19 years old and obviously ready for the family life if he's not practising safe sex. Well all isn't lost. His gf can get a job as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): As parents one of the things we have to learn is at what point we cease to have influence on our children's development. It will be different with every child, of course, but it's somewhere in the mid-teens. After that, if they're still living with us, we can make and enforce rules, but not alter their basic character.
Your son hasn't figured out consequences. Being a teenage parent, for most people, will very quickly be understood to be a bad idea. IF they're actually parenting. If he can make babies and hand them off to you, what's the consequence? In the meantime your own marriage is threatened.
As long as you enable your son, he's not going to become a responsible adult. As hard as it is, kick him out. If his children end up being put up for adoption, so be it. You find yourself in this dilemma only if you let yourself be put there.
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