A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like to know if anyone has any options for me. Basically I have been with my guy for 6 1/2 years. I am currently due to give birth to our first child any day. For the whole time i've known him, he can't ever hold a job and whenever life looks like it might be going in a good direction, something happens and it doesn't work out. He is very happy about the baby and eventhough he wasn't planned he has been very supportive from the begining. My problem is any night of the week he has work the next day he is in bed before I even get home from work which is good. I get up 2 hours early just to get him ready for work (5am)and then try to catch a nap before I need to head out. But the days, like today, when he doesn't have to get up, he stays out to whatever time and acts like I shouldn't care. The story is a little more complicated because we are currently living with my parents because he has done little to nothing to make money in the past 2 years. So not only do i have to deal with everything but I also have 2 people watching our every move. Earlier in the day he calls me at work constantly to tell me every little move he is going to make and also mentions that anytime I want him home, just to call and he'll be there. Well, I waited until 10:30pm and gave him a buzz just to see what was up. He replied he was out with a friend and he'd be home in an hour. No problem. I tried going back to sleep but it didn't work so an hour later he wasn't home so I called again. This time he was really pissy that I had called and said "i told you i'd be home when I get there." At that point I hung up on him and did not answer his repeated calls.My dilema besides the child involved, is money. I basically own everything.... his truck, insurance, anything he thinks he owns, cell phone, its all in my name and i do pay on time every month without his monetary input. Like I said, he has a job but it has only been for less than 2 weeks and of course he got paid today and according to him, his truck is broken and his paycheck needs to go to parts. I can deal with the constant lieing and daily aggravation any woman deals with but shouldn't at this point in my relationship and pregancy, he should want to be home? He should want to not agravate me. He did something similar last week and then didn't leave the house the rest of the weekend and said he didn't want to upset me anymore but here we are again. Its 1am and i'm all alone. My parents think he is out drinking and sometimes he does but mostly he just sits around with his guy friends that he works with all day. I feel like he takes advantage of me too much and when I said something a few weeks ago he got upset and offered to ease my stress any way he could. It seems when he's home or not with people he's fine and I have no problems but getting him to be rational when he's out is impossible. He'll most likely come home later, pissed off b/c i hung up on him and then act completely normal after he sleeps. i don't know if i can deal with this rollercoaser anymore. When he's pissy he threatens to pack up and leave. If i feel like fighting back I tell him he can take whatever he owns, which is nothing, and leave. He never does and when he calms down always says he'll never leave me or his child. That he has nothing without us. The truck isn't brand new but it is newly bought and i still owe 4 years of payments and the cell phone is under a 2 year contract. All of which i'm responsible for. So if he does leave or I want him to leave, i feel like i will lose so much money. I work full time and have a side job just to make the payments on the things he controls like the truck and phone. I pay for his cigarrets and coffee addictions and seldom have any money left over for anything I want. I am fortunate enough to have my car and phone paid off already so I personally have just a credit card to pay. If he was a horrible person I wouldn't question what to do, but i would like our son to grow up with both parents and i've never questioned that he loves me but i'm tired of waiting for him to get home. he said he won't be going out anymore once the baby is born but thats only days away and if he can't do it now, why should i believe it will change later?Any input.... tell me if you need any fill in the blanks.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (16 February 2008):
 Its just too much isnt it. I mean, who knows, once the baby is born, he might well stay in, but as you say, is that likely?
I think its a cheek in the least when he is out all the time and doesnt hold down a job. Sounds like he is work shy to me. I was married to one and left him 16 yrs ago. You have patience, i could only stick it for 6 years, then fell out of love with him in the end. And we got back talking last summer and he STILL doesnt hold down jobs for long!
Thankfully i didnt have children with him. Thats where it becomes a little more difficult for you. The guy needs to grow up and face responsibility for his child thats on the way, it really is that simple! No he shouldnt be out with his mates all the time now, thats what people do when they are single. Hes not. Although maybe living with rents sends him out the door a bit more than usual.
But until he gets off his but and keeps a job, you 3 arent going to get somewhere of your own are you!
How you get all that across to him though is another thing.
It sounds like you have tried. Hes just not seeing it, or doesnt want to see it.
Serious sit down talk is in order before the baby arrives really.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (16 February 2008):
 I'm sorry but this lazy man needs to get off his butt, and fast... I can't believe he treats you this way. You are due to have his child and he is off acting like some iresponsible kid. He is going to be a father and HE needs to act responsibly. He needs to hold down a full time job, it is his duty to provide for you and his child. There is nothing wrong with living with parents but he should be working on getting you a home for the three of you.
I also can't believe you not only work full time but have a side job, to pay for his things. He is selfish and unless he changes right now you have to be strong and get rid of him, as he is, he is no use to anyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Hi there,
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this much stress and so late in the pregnancy. I would firstly like to say well done on holding it all together. You have your priorities in order and you must remember that no matter what happens you have tried your best and there is only a certain amount that you can give.
Your partner sounds VERY immature and self centred and in the 6 and half years that you have been together it sounds as though you have grown apart. You are a motherly figure to him rather than a long term partner to him. I don’t know what the situation is with his mother but you sound like you are the substitute. You are paying for everything for him and are constantly checking up on him. Yes this is your right as you want to know where he is and also the fact that you are due to give birth soon (with your first child) you must be feeling rather anxious.
I reckon that if everything was taken away from him he would turn his ways around and WOULD be able to hold down a job. At the moment holding down a job is not his priority as you are always there to fix the problem and he will continuously use you as a back up. He doesn’t realise what he has got and he is taking you for granted.
'If he was a horrible person I wouldn't question what to do, but I would like our son to grow up with both parents and I’ve never questioned that he loves me but I’m tired of waiting for him to get home. He said he won't be going out anymore once the baby is born but that’s only days away and if he can't do it now, why should I believe it will change later?'
He knows what you want and what your dreams are so he knows that you will not leave him. He knows everything about you. You need to learn that only say things if you mean it. When you ask him to leave and do not mean it, like a child he will sense this and will not give much effort to change the situation around. If you tell him to leave mean it otherwise you will always be taken for granted. If you do not want him to leave then do not say it. As you have been together so long and he knows what buttons to press to get what he wants. I am not saying that he does not love you but it sounds as though he is far to comfortable and NO he will NOT change when the baby comes along. This situation will get worse as you will be vulnerable and will need him more. You will not have the freedom to work and he is going to have to try to be the mature one which he will probably find difficult as he will go from having you care for him. To him having to care for HIS SELF, YOU AND HIS BABY.
Counselling sounds like the next best things for you both. It is going to be hard so Good luck.
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