A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a guy who suffers from retroactive jealousy. I'm trying to figure how to get over this so I'm trying to figure out what is different about me compared to guys who don't have this problem.For the men who do not have RJ, do you simply not think about girlfriend's or wife's past, or does it have no effect on you when you do?I had never really had this problem to any significant degree in my prior relationships. But, about a year ago, I found some extremely explicit photos of my wife with one of her exes (We were in a relationship but not yet married at the time). This particular ex was huge, shall we say. She had also let comments slip a couple times that quite clearly implied she really liked doing it with this guy, and that their relationship was very heavy sexually (I honestlydon't think she "accidently on purpose" let these comments slip)This guy is now seeing a woman who is in our social circles, and he is at various social events from time to time. It invariably brings back the images.Also, my wife is not very interested in sex with me, so the contrast with her ex really hits a nerve. I realize that the past is the past, but it does bother me when I can barely get what feels like pity sex from wife on an infrequent basis.Here's the question for the non-RJ sufferers: Have you ever been in a situation at all like this? If yes, did it bother you at all if you thought about your GF or wife's past, or did you just not think about it?My wife broke up with the other guy several years ago, and I honestly do not think she has any real feelings for him. I'm not worried about her going back to him, but it still bothers me if I think about her past. She's been with lots of other men, so realistically she could have hundreds of additional photos like this if she'd bothered to take pictures with the other men. For the most part, the thought of her with all the other men doesn't really bother me all that much. Still, the fact that I've seen the photos puts this one in an entirely different category.No offense against the ladies, but I'm mostly interested in other men's responses. I just don't think RJ is the same for men and women.How many men have seen highly explicit photos (or videos, I suppose) of their loved one going at it with someone else (and obviously loving it)(I could see clearly in some of the photos that she was very highly aroused), and have it not bother you in the slightest? Do you not think about, or just have zero emotional reaction if you do? I've been trying to get to the "zero emotional response" state, but I find it almost impossible.
View related questions:
broke up, her ex, her past, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Human comedy +, writes (11 April 2013):
I think the first thing to do is accept the pain. It hurts. And trying to fight or ignore it will not work. Furthermore, there's no rational reason that this one ex-boyfriend is hurting more than the others--it's just that you happened to see the picture. Stumbling upon a photo does not entail any meaningful difference between this ex boyfriend and the others. My thought is that this is the symbol of a broader and deeper pain. A pain that is totally normal for your situation. You love your wife. You love your special relationship that is supposed to be unique to just the two of you--but you know that part of that relationship, the sexual part, seems to have been shared with lots of other men. This should hurt. It seems to me that if this doesn't hurt one has not fully realized the beauty that marriage can be. You are a better human for feeling this pain. And the only way out of the pain is to go through it. You should look for some way to confront your pain. I have written lots in journals. Or try painting, or whatever works for you. But you must face the pain head on to be able to heal and come out the other side.
A
male
reader, Good Friend +, writes (26 August 2012):
The past is the past. What happened before doesn't affect you, only her. One way to look at it is if she is there, with you now, she has gotten past him. Everyone has a past. Speaking for myself, I don't live there any more. I moved. If you believe she is wanting to reminisce, ask her. Then there is a reason for the green eyed monster. Jelousy has destroyed nations. Don't let it destroy your happiness.
...............................
A
male
reader, alphamalesyndrome +, writes (7 April 2012):
Ouch. I can almost feel the pain you must be going through with this. I can't believe so few people have responded to this question!
I understand that you are looking to others who have went through similar situations for guidance, but everyone is different, especially when it comes to sensitive subjects like this, and you need to tune into your personal truth to figure out what's right for you.
I went through similar issues in the past as well. No rational argument that anyone gave me ever helped. The only thing that ever helped me was a guide I bought over at http://www.SheWasASlut.com -- it's the first guide I’ve ever seen that gave a complete overview of this subject, and gave me the tools to make a decision that was right for ME.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Nobody should have to deal with a partner that barely gives them occasional pity sex. Never mind your woman's sexual past, she is giving you good reason to leave her right now. And it's not likely to change. The ugly truth is that people like her are not good partners. A good partner would respect you enough break up with you if the sexual chemistry that you both deserve isn't there for her. Instead she is staying with you because she is happy to take what you have to offer, even though she cannot offer you the feelings that she should feel for her man.
...............................
A
male
reader, eek  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 personally for me anything that happened before i met the person is no issue. Everyone has a past and some of my exes have had very interesting pasts. For me what matters is when your with the person and who they are with you. Thats what is important. If you love someone what is the point in stressing about things that you cant change.
Yes its a slight shock when you see a picture of your ex with her ex but its still past. You mention you both dont have much of a sex life. Im guessing Thats the stem of this problem. Maybe couples councling would be a good idea?
...............................
|
