A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Question mainly geared at menIf you had been seeing someone but your life was in shambles ( ie. Custody battle, economic issues, relocation possibilities)Would you risk losing the relationship because you were afraid of Bringing that other in?Or is it an excuse?If you really love someone... Would you let it stand in the way?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Precisely Q.E.D. ( Quod Erat Demonstrandum = what we wanted to demonstrate ) .Punctual and mathematical.
So, he is too overwhelmed by the complexities of his life to have a proper relationship , but not too overwhelmed to show up at his convenience and get himself some, uh ?.
Why am I not surprised.
Op, it's up to you of course. Personally , I think this is an offer that you can very well afford turning down.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): OP again-
Thanks for the responses I am glad that was cleared up.
I feel this way too...that its partly an excuse. Although I do know that he cares about me and does not want to see me hurt. However, he offered to still "see" me..in a non-commited way.
Which makes me think what he wants is all the joy of dating with none of the responsibilites!
And by that I mean, showing up on time or calling more staying in touch. He isnt ready for commitment but wants a girl to wait for him.
Im pretty annoyed now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 May 2012):
Cerberus must have more faith in the basic goodness and selflessness of human nature than I do - because I think along his lines, but worse. I think that 98% of "I leave you because I have baggage" is about protecting themselves, not you.
The translation is never, or almost never, " I have custody battles, economic issues, relocation and this may prevent me from being a giving, affectionate , present lover and from giving you the time and importance that you deserve, which, I am sure, will make you suffer , and since I don't want to see you suffer , or be the cause of your sufferings, I 'd rather leave you before that happens ". ( It would take a saint, IMO )
The translation is : " I have custody battles, economic issues, relocation, imagine if I can fancy dealing with you and your needs for sex ,affection, time together , imagine if I want to worry about how YOU feel or what you like or think or want to talk about.. You'd be just another ball-and-chain to my ankle to drag around in a moment in which I am all about MY stuff ".
So, it's an excuse- or maybe even a valid reason, depending from points of view.
But it has not got to do with loving you too much and wanting what's best for you. It's about wanting what's easier and more convenient for him- which, after all, is not even a bad reason , it makes sense- it just sounds a bit cold and selfish, ergo the need for sugarcoating the pill.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): "Isn't that my choice?"
Yes OP 100% your choice with the tables turned. So just tell him that.
"If he has the baggage...would he break up with me in fear that
I can't take it."
Again that is a possibility for two reasons, to protect himself or to protect you. Now the "to protect you" excuse can easily be offset by telling him that it's your choice and he can't make that choice for you.
Just remember though, the protection excuse is very often a nice way of saying "I can't deal with having you in my life on top of everything else." So if he does happen to bring up the "I want to protect you" excuse blow that out of the water with the "I can make my own choices" thing and then ask him if he has room in his life for you at the moment.
Because it is possible that he may see maintaining a relationship with you as an added burden, nothing personal of course, but relationships can add another layer of stress when your life is already filled with hassle, even good,fun relationships.
But in direct relation to your question the answer is it's your choice, but monitor his situation carefully OP. Don't let emotional attachment muddy your perception. This may not be a happy, good relationship for you. You may get dragged into a mess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): OP here-
This isn't my problems. These are his!!!
I thunk the way the tittle was worded is confusing
If he has the baggage...would he break up with me in fear that
I can't take it. Isn't that my choice?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): "If you really loved someone..." has its limitations for what is humanly possible. Imagine how absurd and impossible these scenarios would be:"If you really loved me you would break world Olympic records for me." "If you really loved me you would figure out how to make a million dollars to pay for my mother's surgery""If you really loved me you would get rid of your asthma allergies and congenital heart condition that is interfering with our life.""if you really loved me you would let me allow my pet rattlesnake to roam free in our house, even though you have a snake phobia but if you really loved me..."what this means is that there are some things - a lot of things, actually - that are simply NOT POSSIBLE no matter how much you really love someone. These don't have to be physical things either, they can be psychological blocks that are every bit as difficult or impossible to overcome as a physical limitation.And if in your relationship you often hold out this "if you really loved me" phrase to try and get your partner to do what you want, that's called Emotional Blackmail.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): OP "If you really love someone..." is far too often used as a cop out. You can love someone and not be able to tolerate their situation, you can really love someone but be in so much pain by their presence that you can't be around them. OP too often people use the "really love someone" as an excuse to stay in poisonous relationships or ones with domestic violence.
Love can never be the kind of set of conditions you propose. Baggage can be too much sometimes. I mean would you date a heroin addict under the guise of "if you really loved him?" would you accept that the person you're seeing has become one?
I know your situation isn't as profound as that I'm just trying to point out that love has nothing to do with our tolerance for people's situations or the sadness we'll let them bring into our lives. A person you love's baggage becomes your baggage, it becomes the defining factor of that relationship. I mean come on, you must be under so much stress, constant anxiety to the point where you're probably not enjoying life very much at the moment well how is he supposed to enjoy sharing your life with you, and time with you while you're like that?
OP relationships are about sharing lives aren't they? Well if your life is a shambles then what your sharing is a shambles, and if you want to talk about love then at your age you must know how hard it can be to be in love with someone that is not happy, it hurts, it's tough and frankly it's a lot take on and not all of us will or should do that.
"If you really love someone..." is not an excuse to be stupid, it's not an excuse to ask someone to share your burdens that they can't help fix, it's not an excuse to expect someone to have to put up with a situation that they can't see themselves dealing with. Dating is about fun, where's the fun in being with someone who's a mess?
"Would you risk losing the relationship because you were afraid of Bringing that other in?" I don't understand what that means to be honest. But I will say at our age I have very little tolerance for drama, I have very little tolerance for dating women who have too much going on their lives and are surrounded by too much stress and pain. I have no time to be a woman's outlet, her distraction or her saviour. If she can't take care of her own life then how can she take care of a life we have together?
When you fantasize of mr. right is he really a guy with a mess for a life and one which may years to solve. Would you really want to invest all your love and emotions on a guy who is such an unknown quantity, who is so stressed and has gotten to a point in their life where things have fallen apart? It's just so risky OP, you could go either way, you could resolve this or you could become and even bigger mess so yeah, I think being in love with you would be even more of a reason to walk away because what you bring to the table includes a hell of a lot of anxiety, pain, frustration and stress and I just couldn't handle loving someone who is going through such hard times and being powerless to fix it, in the sense that this may drag on years and you may well turn out to be the kind of woman that is always all over the place. Not that you are, but I would wonder if this is just a trait of your personality.
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A
male
reader, 40somethingguy +, writes (11 May 2012):
The idea of "if you really love someone" is all well and good but the day to day practicalities tend to cloud what could be a really good arrangement for all concerned,Where there are children for example.
It takes a very strong bond to overcome respective issues and sharing them is not always an option
Rather than losing the relationship altogether is it not possible for the two people concerned to give each other the space and support they each need until the immediate issues are dealt with and there is time to deal with the ongoing issues of the relationship
Good luck !
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