A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This may not be a sex related or relationship based question, it's actually a family issue and perhaps this isn't the right place to ask about this, I just find this site to be the quickest to get a response and I'm not obligated to register like on other forum pages.I'm facing a rather difficult decision that I'm going to have to make within a few days. It's an odd situation because I don't think many people are in this same type of situation and I wouldn't think anyone in their right mind would allow themselves to be in it.My older sister has been in an abusive relationship now for 5 years. She's 25 years old and can't take care of herself, she relies on me and our parents to provide and support her. She has her driving privileges taken away for a total of 3 years (1 year left) and for the last few years has been going to a treatment center every day for opiate addiction (me being her ride).Her life went downhill ever since she met her current boyfriend over 5 years ago, with whom she began doing drugs with and how she got to the way she is now.He's nearly 10 years older than her, no job, no school, has been arrested countless number of times, and is an addict himself as well as a player and abuser. You can clearly see this is a pretty fucked up picture. The worst part is, she doesn't seem to want to change. She talks about how much she hates him and how she wants to change but never acts up on it. This leaves matters into the hands of others (particularly mine) in order to make things different. We've tried different methods before such as having her move into my parent's home in order to stay away from him which seemed to have been working up until she moved out again and after a few months he moved back in with her without anyone knowing.Last month one of her good friends called the police after seeing cuts and bruises on her hands, face, and arms. She went completely berserk about the incident but unfortunately her bf was not with her at the time the police arrived. She told police that she does not wish to press charges, that it was just a little push (stupid I know) however it turns out he actually has a warrant and photographs have been taken to possibly add further charges. Police have continued to inspect the area but my sister hasn't been opening the doors for them upon arrival. Ever since then members of my family have been going over there to check and see if he's with her and call the police if he's there. What I'm worried about is that, they'll arrest her too. She told me herself that the reason they kept coming was to inspect her apartment for drugs because of her bf's drug charge history and if they find stuff in her apartment she'll get arrested too. I'm not exactly sure whether to believe her on that or whether it's just a way for her to protect him but ever since I've been working against myself in that I've been letting her know when someone was coming over in order to prevent anyone from calling the police. I know it's not what I want to do, I'm just scared for a few reasons, 1 being that she goes through terrible terrible withdrawals if she doesn't go to her treatment facility so I don't want to put her life in danger, 2 being that when she gets out she'll have difficulty finding a job and moving forward in life and I really don't want her to continue living off my parents. The truth is I want the bastard put away (even though he only gets sentenced a month every time he's arrested) but I'm just scared for the outcome of what will happen.I know many readers must be thinking that we should just have nothing to do with her. We shouldn't provide for her, give her rides, a place to stay, etc. Yes I agree, she's 25 and she chose to live the way she is, she doesn't want things to be different, therefore no one should have to go out of their way for her, but it's not for me to decide, I don't provide for her anything besides a ride to her clinic, my folks tend to be the ones to give in more often. I worry about my parent's health and happiness too of putting up with all of this, this is why I ever try to help by offering rides but I know she doesn't deserve it for not being willing to make changes for herself and wanting to continue on this downward spiral. For that I honestly almost don't even care if they did arrest her, at least her addiction will be taken care of that way. I just want things to be different, I want all of this to end. Talking to her, trying to have someone intervene doesn't work, tried it before, she lies, is unwilling, and overall nuts at times (She has a really short fuse, think of Kathy bates' character in the movie misery and you'll have a good idea), that's the entire reason my parents ever payed for her to stay somewhere else cause they can't stand her. She needs help big time I know but what can I do when she's an adult who is in denial and unwilling to change? It makes it worse when my parents give into her by providing food and a place to stay.The only thing I can do is get that guy caught, whether it means her getting arrested or having to put up with her crazy reaction after. I just need support and I want to know from others what it is I should do? What's the best thing for me to do? Would it do more harm to risk her getting arrested and possibly die from withdrawals? Or would getting this guy caught be the best option regardless of what comes after?I appreciate anyone who took the time to read and respond to this and apologize for the long read. This wasn't easy to type, it's a really messed up disastrous story and I'm left with a difficult decision. I appreciate any help I can get.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): I know it hurts u terribly, to see the pain she is causing ur family. I'm sorry. The best thing to do for addicts is offer them love. Do not aide and abet them. My dad is an addict, chooses to be one n have been one nearly if not more than 40 years. People used to try to help him, but he played the I see what I need to do role, only to go back to where he was. He just wanted attention n to see if anyone cared n we always fell for it. Until much later in life now if he says that we like yeah anyways. I feel for your parents. She can actually kill them bc of this grief on the hurt, to them they already lost a daughter n they mourn. She needs to get away from ur family bc she is not ready to be helped. N in trying to help she can drain those helping. Tell ur parents the actual damage they're doing by assisting her. Google addiction and family members and see what it can do to families. Tell your sister she best get her self together before she wake up one day n everyone has moved on and a lot of loved ones passed and she didn't get to enjoy their company and love them while they lived. My mom died but my dad contributed in her death with all the stress and anxiety he gave her, she was on anti anxiety medicine. She will never get better, your sister, as long as ppl are supporting her. She has to do it for self. If she can't, then she must fall. Stop being her safety net. If she get more criminal charges oh well. If she gets arrested oh well. Don't take ur life to give it to her when she is ruining her own. Love n help from a distance. Turn from her then she will turn to u.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): I know it hurts u terribly, to see the pain she is causing ur family. I'm sorry. The best thing to do for addicts is offer them love. Do not aide and abet them. My dad is an addict, chooses to be one n have been one nearly if not more than 40 years. People used to try to help him, but he played the I see what I need to do role, only to go back to where he was. He just wanted attention n to see if anyone cared n we always fell for it. Until much later in life now if he says that we like yeah anyways. I feel for your parents. She can actually kill them bc of this grief on the hurt, to them they already lost a daughter n they mourn. She needs to get away from ur family bc she is not ready to be helped. N in trying to help she can drain those helping. Tell ur parents the actual damage they're doing by assisting her. Google addiction and family members and see what it can do to families. Tell your sister she best get her self together before she wake up one day n everyone has moved on and a lot of loved ones passed and she didn't get to enjoy their company and love them while they lived. My mom died but my dad contributed in her death with all the stress and anxiety he gave her, she was on anti anxiety medicine. She will never get better, your sister, as long as ppl are supporting her. She has to do it for self. If she can't, then she must fall. Stop being her safety net. If she get more criminal charges oh well. If she gets arrested oh well. Don't take ur life to give it to her when she is ruining her own. Love n help from a distance. Turn from her then she will turn to u.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 From what you've written; your sister is already on a disaster slope; and unless she really WANTS TO GET OUT OF THIS , there is nothing anyone can do to help her.
She must want to change herself (like seriously mean it, not just say it) because alot of people talk the talk but cant walk it (if follow my drift.)
Things have gotten so bad for your sister; she needs to make the choice about her boyfriend because it seems to me she always runs back to him , like she's in a vicious cycle and doesnt know how to get out of it.
I know you really want to help your sister and get her away from this guy (and get him caught) but do you think that will stop her drugs and behavior? because i think her problems run much deeper than it just being HIS fault. Yes he isnt a good influence, but it takes two to tango, as they say.
Personally i cant advice you on whether or not to get him arrested because i dont feel the problems issue will end with your sister with his arrest... one day he will get out... and til then what will she do? she's an addict...
ive seen so many people like your sister; the only thing that can help them is their own self realisation that they need to help themselves before anyone can help them.
I feel for you and your parents; its a tough decision only you can make it and be responsible for all the potential outcomes.
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