A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello agony aunts and uncles! I am experiencing a bit of a dilemma. To cut to the chase, I met this guy who is confusing. By now, I can usually tell when another man is gay. With him, the signs are there. However, he doesn't tell me he is. He went out of his way to talk to me, and he kept mentioning cute girls so I told him I was gay. He took the news pretty well and he told me he figured I was...but he was just glad I wasn't trying to seduce him or convert him. Now there are two huge reasons why he wouldn't be so open about his sexuality as he told me in the last few days: his father is a pastor and upon asking me about my boyfriend history, he told me he doesn't date period. He seems interested because he compliments me quite a bit (looks included), but he seems like he isn't in full terms or is scared. Am I just viewing this situation with rose tinted glasses...is he gay or not? And if he were gay...I realize it is his own battle. However, if he were closeted does anyone have any suggestions on where to go from there? I really am starting to like him. One final question for gay men, it is pseudo relevant: in general is relationship with a closeted gay man worth pursuing? Thanks and I appreciate anyone's input ahead of time.
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): I myself am going through a similar thing, and it has been no picnic! I have known this guy for nearly four years, and he dated my friend for about ten months, who felt she was dating me. Hes the only person that doesn't know hes gay, but you says "I want to be straight" to me. Let me just tell you, he holds me hand, stairs in my eyes, flirts with me, calls me like hes jealous when I date other people, and treats me like his non boyfriend. The longer we played this game, the uglier it got... of course I was getting used to this weird space..so i wanted more... eventually we ended up in the bedroom...after several petty touchy feely pretend I'm sleeping things took place. Now that I call his bluff, and start reacting to him, he all of sudden is playing this "I am straight card". Sure hes straight... he only did everything in the book with me and now all of sudden it's my fault... I pushed him too it... he had two drinks... or whatever. He is going so far as to dating a girl... played games and tortured me with this trying to make me jealous in his own twisted way...and just recently told me he was thinking of not even being friends with me. So he could continue his pretend straight life style!! He can try to be straight all he wants too... he brings denial to a new level!! I can't believe he would go so far to give up on someone he relates with... and has known for more then four years..so he can keep playing this twisted little denial game! Don't do it OP!! RUN RUN RUN... or if you want... I can show the scares he has left on my heart... and it may convince you to forget it...and save yourself the pain! These guys will go to any extreme to pretend.. .as far as sleeping with women while taking Vigara... save yourself the trouble...find a guy that knows he is gay and respects himself and you!!
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Not if he intends to STAY closeted. He'll just end up hurting you by excluding you from family and friends that he doesn't want to 'know' he's gay.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 i would say that a relationship has to be open otherwise its simply an affair.
are you a gay mistress? does that kind of subterfuge and inability to do normal relationship stuff like go out to dinner seem attractive? at some point it will make you feel like shit.
been there myself the relationship went nowhere because it had nowhere to go. waste of time and caused heartache for me which i could have done without.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): "Everyone says ive had a lucky escape, but they dont know her like i do and i know if it was all in the open we could have made a good go of it."
Kind of heart breaking when you read that part isn't it? She truly believes after 5 years of being this girls dirty little secret that there's hope of changing her mind.
Don't get caught like this woman did.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): "One final question for gay men, it is pseudo relevant: in general is relationship with a closeted gay man worth pursuing?"
No OP it's not, unless of course you'd be satisfied with a man who treated you like his dirty little secret, never able to openly show him love or affection, never being able to connect to his or your family and friends as a couple and having to conduct your entire relationship within the confines of his very restricted rules.
I'm not gay but have a lot of gay friends, closeted gay men and women are people that don't accept themselves so how can they accept you or their relationship? I know there are reasons for this and they may hold a relationship with you in private but in practical terms they're ashamed of themselves and you, and will always fight harder to not be outed than to protect your relationship. They will always put that need ahead of your relationship and they dump you at the first sign of trouble, there is no security with a person like that.
Assume he's straight OP because that's what he wants people to assume. Don't get any closer to him or let your feelings take control, you will never be as important to this guy as his need for people to think he's straight. The guys I've known who have tried dating people stuck in the closet was of heartache and pain, always hoping, waiting for the person to come around. Always keeping secrets, always afraid of making a mistake or being caught, always afraid that someone may say one minor thing that makes him scared that people might know, that very fear can make even a minor joke into a reason he will dump you.
I think you know the pitfalls OP, I think everything we have told you is what you know and fear but your like for him is trying to convince you it may be worth the risk or you can handle the pain that comes with it but you can't and it's not worth the risk because the reward is not enough to offset all the things that will be lacking in a relationship with a guy like that.
This question is from a woman dating a closet gay woman for 5 years. Please give it a read. Her situation is very common amongst the gay people I know that have dated closeted people.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/our-relationship-was-always-a-secret-so-her67.html
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): Hey there, now im not a man, or gay but i hope i can offer you some sensible advice. If this person is gay but not willing to be open about it yet there is not alot of point in you persuing him at the moment. He will not come out until he is ready no matter how much u like him. And then if he is not gay and just being friendly you risk offending him and losing his friendship. You would be much better off looking for.a relationship.with somebody who will be with you openly and whole heartedly. Where you wont have 2 chase them blindly.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): "One final question for gay men, it is pseudo relevant: in general is relationship with a closeted gay man worth pursuing?"
No, if you get involved with a closet queen then your needs will always come second to her perceived "need" to protect herself from being outed. A closet queen who loathes herself is not capable of loving another man.
...............................
|
