A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I need some help with an unclean flatmate problem that has just gone too far. We don’t know what to do and need advice.The back-story is this. My partner and I have been together for over a year now, and we live in a flat with our friend. We’re all girls – my partner and I are in a lesbian relationship. We all get along really well and for the most part our living situation works out really well. I’m 22 and my partner is 28. Our flatmate is 22 also. We are all planning to go our separate ways next summer when the contract ends, but that’s not until the end of July. My partner and I will get our own flat, and our friend is going to move in with another mate of hers. Recently however, the cleanliness of our flatmate, who we shall called Mary, has got to the point we no longer know what to do.It all started about 4 months ago when Mary got a job away for a month. She’d go away for the whole week, and come back and stay weekends. This was fine as she was still paying rent. But when she came back, it kind of felt it was like a tornado tearing through the flat. Because Mary didn’t’ have to worry about any of the day to day responsibilities that go with having a flat, she didn’t do any of the cleaning or housework or bills when she was home. That was left all to us. During the week, the flat would be tidy. When she came home at weekends, she’d use all the plates and things, and go back to work Monday morning leaving the flat in a tip for us to tidy up. We mentioned this to her in the most diplomatic way as possible but nothing improved. Then Mary lost her job and since then has been back in the flat 24/7 – making mess 24/7, leaving my partner and I to clear it up. She still hasn’t found another full time job and isn’t exactly making much of an effort to do so. It is insane. It’s as if whilst she was away, she completely forgot how to do housework or take responsibility or behave like an adult. Before she got this job, she contributed, now she doesn’t and no matter what we seem to say to her, it never changes.She invites friends around constantly and they make lots of mess in the living room, use plates, leave cushions scattered everywhere and never clean up. Mary herself never cleans anything. She never does the dishes and if you ask her to do the dishes she just says “Yeah I will in a bit.” She never does. When you do try to press her more on it she gets annoyed and says “it’s only washing up”, but doesn’t seem to realise that when you live with other people, it is considerate not to leave your dirty washing laying around the flat. We’ve tried just leaving her dishes but the bottom line is, we cold leave them a week and she’d still not have done them so we have to do them for the sake of basic hygiene. About a month ago, we had another diplomatic word with her because it wasn’t just the dishes. It’s the fact she never hoovers, dusts, cleans bathroom and leaves her clothes everywhere etc. Still nothing has changed. On top of this, my partner has depression and the constant stress of coming home to mess is making things worse , so we both sat down with Mary and were honest about things and said it was really upsetting my girlfriend and shockingly, still nothing has changed! Personally, the fact that someone we both view as our mutual friend, has continued to do something which she now knows makes my partners mental health worse, has really pissed me off and I am really starting to dislike her as a person. Yes, she’s our friend, but there’s only so much you can take when you have again and again asked someone to clear up after themselves and they just don’t. So we spoke to her yet again (reading this as I type is making me realise just how patient we are being...) and said we were going to start a chore chart as things were really getting beyond a joke and she said this was fine. We thought we were finally getting through to her, as FINALLY – for the first time ever – she cleaned the kitchen the other day. But then this morning she left her bowls and plates and cups (which she’s been hoarding in her room) all pilled up in the kitchen waiting to be washed. Her cups were all around the living room and we had to move some off her clothes as well. We txt her to basically say this isn’t on, she needs to start doing house work and her response was basically along the lines off, she cleaned kitchen yesterday so she doesn’t have to do anything else. It’s as if she doesn’t understand that cleaning the kitchen doesn’t automatically mean you don’t have to clear up your other stuff as well. We then found out she wont actually be back for a few days so basically it was all going to get left until she got back, so obviously we had to clean it up again for her.Please help. What do we do? We’ve tried talking and making chore charts and it doesn’t work. We don’t want to make things so it’s impossible to live together in a civil manner so dumping all her shit on her bed is not an option – plus this would probably make my partners mental health worse, but how do we make her carry her weight in terms of housework? It is putting a lot of pressure on my partner and I as we are constantly clearing up after her. She leaves food, clothes, dirty dishes etc everywhere. Some people may think these are little things but anyone who has ever lived with a lazy flatmate will know that it’s the little things that start to mount up and really get upsetting. My partner wants to salvage the friendship as she's known her longer, but I on the other hand am really pissed off with her. She's upset my partner, pissed me off and treats the house as if its a hotel and we are the cleaners. Please help. I've tried googling what to do but everyone just says talk to her. We've talked to her until we've been blue in the face - what do you when talking and chore charts doesn't work?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Shadow Rose  +, writes (25 October 2011):
 Sounds like she needs a reality check. Tell her if she continues, you'll have to find a new flatmate, because you care about your partner's health. It should hopefully shock her into cleaning up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): honestly, this sounds like a pretty typical flat to me. Either wait it out until july, or kick her out and get someone else in. Don't do anything for revenge or anything petty like that, because that sort of thing escalates quickly and you don't want any of your stuff damaged. Clean up the best you can for yourself and don't worry about it, it's not worth losing sleep over, especially when it will be over in a few more months.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2011):
 Write up a contract that specifies what the flat cleanliness standards are. Make it reasonable, one glass in the sink isn't the end of the world but leaving it for days is not permitted. If a roommate cannot do her share of the hoovering, dusting, tidying and bathroom cleaning, a cleaning lady will be engaged and that roommate shall be responsible for paying her. Spell it out, basically.
Tidy up the flat to a reasonable standard of cleanliness and take photos of the rooms to indicate how they should be left when you are leaving them. This means you have to do the same thing, obviously.
Call a roommate meeting and go over the specifics of your expectations. She may come from a family where being tidy and cleaning up after yourself just didn't happen.
The goal of the meeting is to set specific, realistic standards for the flat.
Then, when she fails, and it sounds like she almost certainly will, you will have laid out the consequences.
Clothes left in the common rooms will be bagged up and taken to the charity shop. Plates and dishes left unwashed will be returned to the room of the person who left them there, in a plastic bin with a lid, so it won't attract mice and cockroaches. Cosmetics and personal toiletry items left on the sink will be thrown away. Food left out will be thrown away as well. Enforce your rules. It may take the loss of some clothing and festering food (safely contained inside a plastic bin) to convince her you are serious. You negate your talks when you clean up after her mess. Corral her mess and leave it in her room, pitch the stuff left everywhere and when she reacts, just let her know that you have tried to work it out with her. You'll have the contract to show her.
You might consider hiding all the 'real' flatware, plates, cups and glasses in your rooms and put out disposable paper plates and plastic knives and forks and flimsy little paper tea cups.
If she doesn't come around after that, I'd simply ask her to move out. The aggravation doesn't sound like it's worth it.
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A
female
reader, mooh  +, writes (24 October 2011):
i replied to your post because it really made me mad to read about how your housemate is acting - it seems that you and your girlfriend are caring and understanding people, and this housemate is very selfish and totally taking advantage of it as its been going on since months. for some people, its just a matter of communication to be able to solve stuff but for others it takes more then just talking because they think there are no consequences to their actions.it seems like you have gone beyond the point of communicating and giving chances to this girl so depending on what's possible i would stop sharing stuff with her (like the plates / glasses) if you had bought them in the first place, whenever she leaves stuff everywhere, just either dump her sh** in a box or back in her room, and maybe she will get the message there. Another would be posing an ultimatum: either she leaves or you leave if she keeps up that behaviour - maybe that will give her an electroshock (especially if she does not have a contract on the house).
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