A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's my first Christmas since my boyfriend and I broke up and I am just about to lose it. This has been the worst break-up I have ever had. I have lost myself and feel like I have nothing left and all these holidays are making it so much worse... we lived together for 2 years and his mom doesn't live in the country so every holiday for 2 years we would always drive to my parents house together... Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas... all were spent with my family together. Now I have to come here alone for the holidays and everything reminds me of him... and I just miss him so much. Even though our break up was terrible and he was the one who decided to end it.. although he would never give me a good reason (just said he wouldn't make a good husband right now, he needed to figure some things out on his own). Turned out that "figuring things out on his own," translated to him replacing me with a new girlfriend 4 months after we broke up. She's 8 years younger than I am, blond and a former cheerleader.. my total opposite.. I was always the shy, artsy type.. I'm a photographer. Anyway, all I can think about is that he's probably spending Christmas with her family now and he's probably so happy. It's SO unfair. I feel so pathetic for feeling this way.. I feel guilty for still missing him, for still loving him. I have no idea why I can't seem to forget him.. I feel like something is wrong with me because I still love him even after he was so awful to me about the break-up.. he kept dragging it out, refusing to let me go until he got this new girl and now he says he never wants to talk to me again. To make things worse, my mom and I got into it today over the situation.. she hates seeing me like this, but I feel powerless to stop it. She hates him and tells me I should hate him too, but how can I hate someone I loved so much? Are you supposed to be able to switch love into hate? She hates him because she loved him too and is also disappointed. Then she told me some things that he said to her after we broke up about me and I just lost it.. she loves to blame me for things... Granted, I was not perfect in the relationship, but I would have done anything for him.. if he ever had a problem, he should have told me.. Nobody is perfect, not me, not him.. why can't love be enough???!!I feel like my depression is ruining Christmas.. for myself and my family. I don't know what to do.. this has been the WORST Christmas ever. The ex and I used to make it so fun.. singing Christmas carols, making cookies.. it's just so quiet without him. I'm so sad in this silence and I don't know what to do.. I feel like I am ruining Christmas for everyone because I feel like my other half is missing. I've lost my Christmas spirit :( It's just not as much fun without him here with us.
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female
reader, Soph07  +, writes (27 October 2016):
Wow. You have just explained exactly how I am feeling right now. I never thought anyone felt the same way I do right now. It's killing me.
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female
reader, SweetindianGirl +, writes (25 December 2010):
you know, holidays are holidays, who cares who is doing what with whom. You enjoy the day for yourself, you are beautiful and LOVELY! nobody and i repeat NOBODY can make youf eel depressed but yourself. watch a movie get on the phone make coffeee do something!!! hunt for guys on fb do whatever you need, but do not feel upset. as far as getting over the holiday i know what thoughts may run through your mind "what is he doing" is he thinking of me " is he going to call" am i that bad?" but truth is, you are beautiful. he will regret one day. i truly truly feel a guy who makes a girl cry will never be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOrvus, thank you for your response & Merry Christmas. I don't know your situation & I am very sorry for whatever happened to you. I just wanted to say, with all due respect, yes he did betray me. He made a lot of promises to me (marriage, kids, a lifetime together) that he did not keep and that is the very definition of betrayal. I would have NEVER NEVER done that to him. I don't make promises I have no intention of keeping. The thing that hurts is that people think that love comes along every day?? That people are so easy to replace?! I haven't loved someone like him for 10 whole years!! I thought I chose wisely. I thought he was just like me.. I thought he was my best friend. The thing is, I have him my heart with complete honesty and love and that means I take him with all his flaws, issues, whatever. I realize that people are NOT perfect and that it's not going to be roses 100% of the time. There comes a point when sometimes relationships take a little work. People have to compromise, ya know? I would have done anything he asked (within reason of course) for the benefit of our relationship. I guess you are right that he wasn't willing to work for it. He's disillusioned if he thinks that things will be perfect with this new girl.. everyone has their flaws and the grass is not always greener on the other side, in fact, it RARELY is. But that's fine... I mean, he's obviously NOT the person I believed him to be. And I don't want him back... I really did at first, but now it's too late. I would always resent him for what he did... broke my heart, broke our trust, broke our home, didn't want to communicate with me, took the easy way out. All I can do now is pick up the pieces. I guess what is so shocking about the whole situation with us is that I never saw it coming... we were super affectionate with each other until the very end. I never thought him capable of leaving me. That is what scares me about future relationships... Will I always wonder if I'm going to be dumped at any moment?? Because I really didn't see this coming. If there was something I said or did that was a deal breaker for him, all he would have had to do was tell me... I'm really easygoing, I would have considered whatever he said. I really thought I knew him and that I had this love thing figured out but obviously he kept a lot inside, hidden away from me. The joke is on me.
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male
reader, Orvus  +, writes (25 December 2010):
 I'm another person in the same situation (I guess most non-lonely people wouldn't be posting here on Christmas eve).
Your ex didn't betray you. I know hating them and blaming them is an immediate defense mechanism, but he just didn't. For most "normal" people (who are used to dating and who don't live to find true love), four months is more than enough time to start a new relationship, especially for the one who broke up the old relationship.
It took less than twenty-four hours for my ex to be with a new guy. And even then, I don't think she betrayed me. She was just weak.
Most people don't think about their future. Especially happy and cheerful people like our exes: they "live in the moment". People like them can't recognize the value of long-term commitment, because they live their life in little slices, not as a continuum. I'm not saying that makes us better or worse.
He wasn't being fulfilled by the relationship, and he was too weak to work on it with you or to wait for better things to come. Taking you out of his life provided an instantaneous change, and he didn't have to make any effort to get it. Logically, it's a bad long-term decision. But he didn't act logically (no matter how many logical arguments he makes up), he acted emotionally.
Do I sound too judgmental? Yes, but not hateful. If we were to hate everyone who has chosen to take the easy way out at some time, we would hate too many people, and probably ourselves too.
Don't follow your mother's advice: don't hate. Not tonight. Take pity on him if it makes you feel better. Allow yourself to love "the old him" as if it was a different person, because it is. "The new him" who dumped you is a complete stranger: you barely knew him. There's no point in thinking about that one.
In our lives of constant change, we all become different persons with time. Eventually you'll be a different person too. The old you has been hurt badly: she'll have to rest. The new you will be stronger and wiser, and hopefully she'll inherit the old you's talent and cheerfulness.
And what about now? It's a holiday: do what you want and enjoy what you still have left. He didn't take it all away.
Surround yourself with things that make you laugh or smile. Appreciate your family and make sure they understand your feelings. Be thankful for the people who support you, because that, too, is a form of love.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): I can relate. I have been dating someone on and off for about a year and a half. We were broken up during thanksgiving last year during which time she was back with her ex boyfriend.
She broke it off with him...again and we were together for Christmas and guess what she left and went back to him this year all I want for Christmas I for her to get cervical cancer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you all for your warm replies. Sometimes it just helps to write/get my feelings out and have a sympathetic ear. And my heart goes out to ANYONE who feels as upset and as crappy as I do right now. There is no worse pain in the world than that of losing someone you love more than anything. I guess one of the worst parts about it is that I actually believed he loved me as much as I loved him... sometimes I thought he might have even loved me more. The painful reality is that he did not...How could he have??... if he had, I would not be alone right now on Christmas and he with someone else. I trusted him with my heart (my most important treasure)... It took a long time for me to trust him (or anyone for that matter since I have been cheated on in the past), but once I gave it to him I didn't hold back.. I could not hold back. I just loved him with every ounce of my being and he betrayed me. Regardless of whether or not he left me for that girl or met her after we broke up, it does not matter... the pain would be the same either way because I truly loved him with my whole heart. And yes, every time I see a car on the street the same as his, I think of him, every time I see an object that he touched around the house, I think, his hand was there at one time, every time I wake up in the morning and he's not lying next to me, it reminds me of the excruciating reality that he's gone and not coming back and then I cry every morning.. it never gets any easier. I have never loved ANYONE as truly or as deeply as I loved him. And then I feel like, if a love like that can disappear, how can I ever trust anything.. how can I ever love anyone again? Then I'm depressed all over again because I feel I might have to spend the rest of my life alone... which I would rather be than to settle for someone just to have someone. Again, thank you all for your replies. I feel terrible for all of you, but reading your replies let's me know that I am not alone with this. I just wish I could find someone who loved me as much as I loved them and who would not give up so easily, who would not betray me, who would not break my heart into a million pieces.. why did I trust someone who was capable of betraying me like this?? It's so hard for me not to think that life's a bitch and then you die... And the thing was that I was so fun loving, so bubbly, so loving life before this happened... now I just feel like a shell of my former self.
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reader, Kilcardy +, writes (24 December 2010):
I'm sorry for your troubles. The holidays can be brutal for people. The first thing you need to realize is that you are not a bad person because this happened. Breakups occur everyday. Everyone of us who has lived has gone through tremendous heartache over another person. It's an unfortunate part of life. So, you need to be good to yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Get enough sleep. Lay off the alcohol. Next, feel the feelings. If you avoid them, they only come back stronger later on. Keep in mind, feelings are like the weather. They come and go. And, these depressed feelings you are experiencing will pass. If you find yourself really struggling, please go and speak with a medical or mental health professional. There's no stigma in doing that. Remember, your well being is the most important thing right now.
You also need to stop living in your Ex's world. Stop worrying about what he's doing. It does not matter what he's doing. You need to switch the focus back to you and your life. I'm sure there are a lot of good things in your life right now that you could write down in a list that a lot of other people don't have. You have a family who cares about you (many people don't have families). You have a place to go for Christmas (many people don't even have a home). You have talent (many people haven't had the opportunity to develop their talent), and you have a big heart (many people have lost the ability to feel anything).
Yes, it's tough breaking up with someone, but it's not the end of the world and you will begin to feel better believe it or not. But, you have to start living your life, not your ex's. Surround yourself with family and friends. Yes, if you need to ... go and have a good cry somewhere alone. But, don't hide yourself away as a means of dealing with this. You have to help yourself through this. I'm not suggesting that any of this is easy. It's not. But, the alternative of living in the past and wishing things were different is no way to live. Keep your chin up, believe in yourself, and remember, this too shall pass.
Good luck, and Merry Christmas.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): I read your post and although I don't answer very many posts, I felt like I needed to offer my thoughts on yours.I know exactly how you feel. I won't bore you with the details, but the end of a relationship I had with a wonderful woman crushed me. Everything seemed to remind me of how she wasn't mine anymore - the passenger seat in my car where she sat on so many trips, driving by places we used to go to a lot, seeing someone drink her favorite brand of drink, wearing a shirt that I remember wearing out with her, whatever - you get my point.I thought I would never get over it, and I guess in a way I haven't and never will. But for the longest time I cried, or wanted to, every time I thought about her or something reminded me of her. I almost couldn't function, and the hardest thing was pretending like things were okay when they weren't. I analyzed things over and over, plotted ways to "win" her back, read all kinds of motivational quotes about lost love, listened to all the songs, tried to rationalize with myself about how many "fish are in the sea" and all that stuff. I would date or talk to other women and try to convince myself I liked them, but it wasn't true, I knew the one I wanted and needed was gone and I couldn't replace her. Any of that sound familiar?Here's the deal: You'll always miss him, always. But things get better, you'll come out of the depression. It sounds very cliche, but the only way you will heal from this is simply by the passage of time. It won't be overnight, it won't be next week. You will hurt for a while, but the hurting will slowly (very slowly) fade and someday he will be a fond memory. It will tug at your heart now and then and you'll always feel like you lost a little part of yourself, but you will be happy again and you will have periods of time when you don't think about him at all. I'm guessing you think about him every second of the day right now. After a while you'll forget him for a few minutes here and there, then hours, and someday (not any time soon) you'll have a day or two at a time where you don't even think about him. Sorry for the long post and the tone of it, but I just want you to know that someone understands and I wanted you to hear someone tell you that you will be okay, without sugar-coating things. You WILL be okay, and you WILL come out of this. You just have to give it time. One more thing: When you've gotten over this, you will be afraid of ever falling in love again. Be careful about that. If you build a wall and shut everyone out, you may never know the true love that will stay and will keep you happy for the rest of your life. Don't let this experience destroy your ability to love for the rest of your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): I feel the exact same way you do.. don't worry, you aren't the only one having a shitty christmas. My ex girlfriend and I broke up around June this year after a 3 year relationship. I'm only 18, so that was a long time for a relationship at this age. My ex was one of those people who just loved life and everything about it. She was so bubbly and unique when I first met her, but after about a year of our relationship we started fighting a lot. The fights weren't over serious topics, just small petty things that we'd look back on and say, 'did we really just have an argument over that?' It didn't help that both of us were stubborn as mules and didnt like saying sorry even if we wanted to. ANYWAY, enough of the details.Ever since we broke up 6 months ago she is all I've thought about. The relationship ended on a pretty sour note.. she cheated on me and blah blah.. don't really want to go into that.. but at the moment I'm in the same situation as you. She has a new boyfriend and seems really happy with him. Looking at them in person and in pictures, it just seems so awkward to what we used to be like. We were so comfortable with each other and loved spending time with each other... I know that doesn't define a relationship or is a reason for two people to stay together, but I miss her so much. And being away from her is terrible. Not seeing her every day is terrible. Not hearing her voice every day is terrible. Every single little thing about it is terrible. It sucks being depressed on Xmas and I'm not going to tell you to get over it, or move on... because I know it's not as easy as that. People who tell you that have obviously never been through the same thing before. There are certain people in your life that you meet who just blow you away, who every other person of the opposite sex you meet after that just doesn't compare to them. It hurts and it sucks. I guess the only thing I can direct you towards is fate. For some reason I'm a big believer in that. If you and your ex are meant to be together, it'll eventually happen. No matter if you move to different countries, have numerous relationships before hand.. if he is the one, something will always be there pushing you two together. I sometimes feel it happening to me now. Call me crazy, but yeah I just believe that. Try and think of his new relationship in the way of: you love him so much, you want him to be happy.. she is just keeping him cozy until you two get back together.Sorry I didn't come her with the answer of 'you will meet some prince charming and he will blow you away and make you totally forget about your ex'.. but from a person in the same situation, I know how much it hurts. Hope your christmas turns out alright! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): ~YOU'RE NOT ALONE~Sweetie, I'm so sorry your heart is heavy, here at this holiday time.Just know I feel your same pain, as there's nothing I could want more from Santa is my ex...BUT...that's an unreachable gift.Sure, I could be with an individual who would comfort me...but...I am better off solo, as that would only make me feel a trillion times worse because I know for fact that in my head I'd be consumed with my ex and annoyed as hell that the other person wasn't her...why even put myself through the additional sinful torment and equally important I just can't grossly disrespect the unwanted/used/rebound party like that....Hey, just know you are not the only one enduring this...I don't know you nor do you know me...but know I am sending out lots of hugs and kisses of love support to you.Have a Merry Christmas Sweetie.God Bless.
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