A
female
age
41-50,
*illyB
writes:I hope to receive some input here - this issue has given me a great deal of grief over the last two years I have been dating my current BF.My history - I dated a boy my age for 8 years. I was his 'ideal'. He liked pink skinned, blue eyed, tall, B cupe, brunette European girls. This is how I look physically. My ex found me very attractive and always said so.I have been dating my current BF for 2 years. We met in Salsa class - there were several new girls in class the day I came. I didn't catch his attention as he was too busy drooling over the new latina arrivals. Only two weeks later when I talked to him, did he become interested. He says my personality and intelligence got his attention. A little background - I am 27, he is 36. He has a lot more dating experience obviously. His ideal is a woman between 5'5 -5'8", big DD + breasts, olive skin, black hair....a latina. Obviously this is not me.My current BF had a difficult time in the beginning of this relationship letting me know he finds me attractive. He says that he would think it, but was not good at verbalizing it! Yet, he certainly had no problem making comments about latinas he found attractive on the street "wow I love her skin color" or "wow I love how breasts jiggle like that, that girl is smokin"....These are just examples of things he has said in the past which made me cry and which created many arguments.He's never had a problem telling me how amazing I am, how smart and fun and how we get along so great. However in the past, when it came to looks he seemed to always 'forget' to compliment me, to verbalize that he finds me attractive too. Now that he seems to be heading down the marriage route, he's grown up a bit in the last year - he has gotten better at keeping his opinions of women on the street quiet and has started giving me many compliments.The problem is - usually I find this hard to believe. After the first 1.5 years of standing by watching him drool over a different 'ideal', I can't seem to believe he really truly finds me attractive... I'm sure he does find me attractive, but its hard to believe especially since i'm not his 'ideal'...the type that catches his attention and physically drives him crazy. I refuse to get breast implants or go fake n' bake - I'm not going to make myself into his type. However, I can't help but feel resentment and anger towards him, I can't help but go all gaga when other men give me compliments and I can't help but think about dating other men who do think of me as their 'ideal' I really enjoyed being lusted over in my ex relationship.I'm writing this now because although I love this guy, he is very calm and loving and caring - I can't help but feel a great deal of resentment. Last night I went through his computer and found some porn (I'm okay with porn, watch it myself) and noted that ALL of the five porns he saved had women with olive skin, huge breasts and black hair in it. Not one pink skinned, C cup breasts white girl.Its so obvious he has a type and I'm not it. I know some of you may say 'who cares' looks fade etc etc...but it hurts so much. I want to be his ideal, someone he can't get his eyes off - who drives him nuts. I don't want to just be loved for my personality.:SSo sad right now.P.S: I have verbalized this and he says that I am beautiful and that he finds me very sexy. Like I said, I'm sure he does...but deep inside I know he has a different type he likes better which over the long term may pose a problem.Some insight would be so very welcome.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 May 2010):
 "However, I simply cannot get over the way I've seen him NOT react to me, the comments he's made, the pictures I've found & the porn bit." (SillyB)
How's your sex life, do you have sex often and is it good?
Do you get kisses out of bed, dose he touch you, dose he hold hands?
Anger and Resentment is no good, if pull away this relationship is over. There is no such word as CANNOT, indeed you mean WILL NOT... Is it really him that's the problem, or are you not intrested in this guy and trying to find an easy way to get rid of him?
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (8 May 2010):
SillyB is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well I am currently seeing a psychologist. So far I've taken one session so...
He's away on a two week vacation with his family, but I am not very excited about having to see him again. He just moved in too...I get angry and resentful. He is a very sweet person - never yells, very calm & very intelligent. However, I simply cannot get over the way I've seen him NOT react to me, the comments he's made, the pictures I've found & the porn bit.
He's coming back tomorrow and I am just preparing myself to distance myself - not talk about his past, not talk about our future, not talk about my insecurities & loose my interest in sex.
I only assume that this will help me feel stronger. I hope the psychologist over time will help also.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): To be honest, if my boyfriend said something like "wow, i love how that girl's boobs jiggle", I'd burst out laughing and maybe show some mock anger. The fact that he feels comfortable enough to say things like this to you means that he feels very secure and close to you, or at least that's what I think, and personally I find that adorable.
As for the big boob porn, well, just as others have commented before me, porn stars aren't exactly dream mates or anything. Err, I mean, I like a big dick, but I don't really care that my bf is only average sized (and the oaf only has a six pack! what a slacker, I'd prefer an eight pack!).
If you want to be cherished that much, you might have to go for a way older man. I'm sorry if that seems rude, but it looks to me like you have a really nice guy on hand. He seems to love you very much too. I'm not sure how much closer you can get to a happy Disney ending without seeming a bit superficial...
Then again, if he doesn't make you feel good, there are other fish in the sea. Don't start something you're unsure about. You can't help who you are and what you want.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Let me try to put this in a different perspective for everyone:
Your ex adored EVERYTHING about you. You were his ideal woman in every way. But he is your EX now.
Your current boyfriend loves you. He does everything he can to make you happy. He's WILLING to do everything he can to make you happy.
This is the perfect example of how being with your "ideal" mate as far as looks are considered doesn't mean everything. I've always believed the person you end up with should be your best friend first and foremost. THAT is what you should be focusing on.
If you continue this obsession with being his "ideal" woman in looks.... this will snowball into something that will effect all of your relationships and you will end up alone.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 April 2010):
Also he may have one of them "Madonna/whore" things going on... your a princess, the real deal, someone he dosen't grab like your his last meal... Them other girls are "eye candy", they don't have feelings, they have false breasts and they are put on earth just to lie down for a man...
Your not his usual kind of girl, he might not know how to deal with you respectfully. But he dosen't sound like a cheat, he sounds like a man who is growing up and looking for the perfect woman and a "dolly bird" just aint it. But you are for him.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 April 2010):
hahahaha.... good for you girl... telling him how you feel and communicating about things are the first steps to solving your problems...
He can't fight what he dosen't know, but he choose you, he's happy with you, talking together may help to clarify things a lot.
Don't give up yet, you and him got a lot going for you...
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (7 April 2010):
SillyB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,
I'm so happy about the responses...I've had the day off work today and thus have managed to get myself pretty down about this all.
I think Miamine has it right on...in terms of the situation and how I feel. My BF has changed what he says to me & he does compliment me, but somehow it is simply very difficult to accept as authentic. You got it right on by saying:
"He's stopped the stupid comments, because they hurt you and he dosen't like that. He's also trying to compliment the way you look and try to make you feel beautiful. If you marry him, he'll continue to try as hard as he can to make you feel happy as his wife.
But... But.... trying is one thing... it coming naturally and being crazy about your looks is another thing completely.. your used to being desired.. after having men thinking your hot, a husband to be shouldn't have to try so much..."
.... he just walked in & I broke down. I told him the truth...he's just moved in & I can't handle all of this. I have a fear that he will cheat and that I will end up hurt. I've already been hurt over these last two years. I don't want to continue like this - I want my confidence back.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 April 2010):
Lets push the porn issue aside, you haven't got a problem with it, your just using it as evidence of what he likes.
Normally, my answer to concerns like this would be.. "shut up girl, grab that wedding ring and tie him down fast... he likes you enough, and if he likes Latino girls too bad, he's already busy with you...."
However, when you said you loved the way your ex adored you, that got me thinking and slowed me down. After being loved and adored to have to sit back and watch your guy lust over a different type of woman, and then lack the words to tell you how beautiful you are, well that just bloody hurts.
Yes, I understand your fears. He's saying and doing so many things that make you feel ugly and unattractive. Sure he likes your personality, sure he thinks your a great woman and your really nice and kind, but will this keep him faithful to you. What happens if after you marry he can't keep his hands of the Latino women...
(sigh) At least your man can learn. He's stopped the stupid comments, because they hurt you and he dosen't like that. He's also trying to compliment the way you look and try to make you feel beautiful. If you marry him, he'll continue to try as hard as he can to make you feel happy as his wife.
But... But.... trying is one thing... it coming naturally and being crazy about your looks is another thing completely.. your used to being desired.. after having men thinking your hot, a husband to be shouldn't have to try so much...
It's your call.... talk to him... not about attraction, but why he wants to be with you and why he chooses you instead of someone else.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (6 April 2010):
All I can say is: Every guy has their "ideal" type of woman. A type of girl who they are even unconsciously attracted to. But that doesn't mean they aren't attracted to other women and can't be happy with other women. And it is NOT settling. Is he attracted to EVERY single woman out there with olive skin and large breasts? Probably not.
In my opinion, I don't think you should let this bother you as much as you are. In a sense, we can't help who we think our ideal women are. As I said, it's more of an unconscious thing, and that's even only for initial looks. Your boyfriend could easily have met his ideal type and been unhappy with their personality.
If he loves you and says he's attracted to you, then try not to worry. Is he what you would call YOUR ideal man? The type you always go for or fantasize about?
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A
female
reader, nlieu279 +, writes (6 April 2010):
 I wonder why you are still with the man who would never, for once, makes you feel confidence as well as happy. Why bother to stuck with a guy who never actually appreciate you as who you are while you can spend that whole time looking for someone else who would actually crown you his queen? Saying is one thing, but does he actually think or feel the same way he is saying is another thing. Such words are easily to say but he could not express it through his body language, like you said he drools over someone else just because of their outset. Ask your heart if you would ever truly happy and have him as your confidence wherever you go? If you answer yes, then stay with him. If not, then I think it's best to make a better decision.I, too, always feel bad about myself especially my outset. I'm Asian. I'm tiny in term of everything physically. I'm not white, not tall, no blue eyes, not blond or brunette, short nose... in conclusion, I totally not as beautiful or cute as the western girl but my fiance, who is a white guy, has always be very supportive in both verbal and non-verbal language in term of making me feel confidence about myself both physically and mentally. That is a kind of man I wish you would end up with. Not the kind of man who say one way but do another.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): I would guess that upwards of 90% of people end up with a life partner that is not their "ideal", either physically or mentally. Usually something is lacking.If you imagine the perfect, ideal guy for you (both physically and mentally), how does your boyfriend measure up? It sounds like your "ideal" guy would have you as his "ideal" girl, so you already find your boyfriend is not behaving like your "ideal" guy. If you thought carefully, is he at the top of your list? Probably not in the top two, right?I have been married 22 years to a wonderful woman who is an intelligent conversationalist, makes me laugh, cheers me up, is fun to be with, and brightens up my days. Is she my ideal Victoria's Secret lingerie model??? Hell no. But she isn't an anorexic, bitchy, air head either. Remember, a fancy sports car only looks fancy from the outside. Once you are behind the wheel driving you can no longer see the outside. So it is still just a car with a steering wheel and four tires that gets you where you need to go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): If I were you, I'd be absolutely devastated. As a fellow young lady, I know how hard it is to feel 'good enough' in a world being smothered by people too shallow to realize that outer beauty is no way to judge a person. To me, this man sounds like someone who isn't capable of respecting you. Any man who mentions another woman's looks in a way that implies he'd like to be with her, isn't worth your time. The thing that concerns me most is the fact that he still feels drawn toward other women when he already has you. Yes, women are beautiful, and as a straight woman even I can appreciate that, but there is an appropriate and inappropriate way to handle things. Telling you that he loves the way a woman's breasts jiggle or watching porn when he's already got a girlfriend seems pretty shallow. Good luck to you. If you were my sister I would advise you strongly to tell your boyfriend your concerns and hope that he's understanding and willing to make some changes. If he truly loves you, he will do anything within reason to make you feel happy and comfortable. Settle for nothing less. Ever.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (6 April 2010):
 Marriage is a very serious commitment and you should never contemplate entering into a marriage with a man who doesn't make you feel happy at the outset. I think you have lots of self confidence issues which are nothing to do with the man you are dating. You shouldn't feel the need to ask your boyfriend for verbal expressions of your beauty and feel better when he doesn't gaze at other women. Long term relationships and good marriages are based on getting along together as really good mates, with the attraction and trust sprinkled on top. I cannot say from your post that you are really good friends with your would-be husband or feel like his equal - you seem to feel insecure in the relationship and have many doubts. Your comment 'he seems to be heading down the marriage route' is quite telling - it suggests he has most of the control over the relationship and that you just go along with things. I think when men (or women) watch porn, those actors and actresses are not always representative of who viewers wish to be with in real life. After all, porn is a fantasy and most of those implanted botoxed ladies don't end up being taken home to mother for Sunday lunch do they? My point is that before you enter a marriage you should be happy with yourself and your partner. You don't seem either at this stage so hold off making any huge life-changing commitmentn until you know for certain what is happening with you and him.
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