A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We live in a world that is constantly evolving, technologically advancing and growing, slowly, more accepting. Finding love has always been the one of the most central societal issues and how and where we find it has always been a source for judgment, but I urge you to listen, without prejudice, to my story and the reality of transcendental love.I met him by chance, a twist of fate, a lucky draw... it was on a forum, on which I was a regular poster and had grown to know several who frequented the site. Its popularity attracted quite a diverse range of people and I found it a good way to spend my free time and, as an aspiring councillor, give advice to people who asked for it. I certainly wasn't looking for love, in fact I was in a long term relationship at the time, living with my partner and engaged to be married. I thought I had it all. We had spoken indirectly a few times and I had thought nothing much of him, I recall thinking him a little odd actually in a quirky kind of a way. When our paths came to cross that fateful, February day I was debating an issue that was very personal to me, as we all know... forums aren't full of people who only want to play nice, I was holding my own and amused by the personal attacks I was receiving (I've never cared too much about peoples opinions of me) when I noticed him arguing in my favour. He made some very interesting points and I felt strangely grateful that he would take such an active interest. I sent him a private message thanking him for being so genuine and a conversation regarding the amusing situation began, after a day or so we began to talk via instant messenger and I thought him very witty. We talked all night.I didn't really think much about it, I'd communicated with other members on the forum in this way before, admittedly not at such length but still I was happy to spend my free time talking to him and remained completely unaware of where the relationship was heading.As the days went by the harmless flirting, intelligent conversation and general chit chat grew more and more frequent. I found myself checking to see if he was online more and feeling disappointed when he wasn't. After a month my feelings had become obvious to me and I couldn't really pretend that I wasn't attracted to him, it was obvious to me. But still, I loved my partner and although things weren't perfect I thought we'd be together forever. I reasoned that it was a harmless crush and would fade with time.It didn't and one day, about two months and many long nights of brilliant conversation I told him, without hope or agenda, how I felt. I felt sure he would feel the same way, we'd clicked so easily and the chemistry was amazing. He made me feel like a different person, I'd begun to think differently, I became even more confident and I looked at the world through completely new eyes. The impact he'd had on me was unreal. Unfortunately for me, he didn't respond as I'd hoped and, although he didn't deny having any feelings, he said that it was pointless talking about it as it could never be anything. I agreed and told him great sadness that I thought we should stop talking as my feelings were affecting my relationship and I should be more focussed on the man I intended to marry. He didn't like the idea but supported my decision. For about a week.He made contact after a week and a few too many drinks. He said that he'd missed me and didn't think we should stop talking because we got on so well. I asked him what the point was and he said he valued my friendship and saw no reason why we couldn't just keep things in check. I caved, I'd missed him too, secretly hoping he might give more away about his feelings... like a lovesick teenager I was desperate to know if he reciprocated my feelings. I was still convinced it was harmless and figured it would just end naturally one day.Over the following months my feelings began to alarm me and I considered my relationship with my fiancé, Would I really be feeling this way about somebody else if it was meant to be? Should I be alarmed by the impact a complete stranger could have on what I thought was a rock solid relationship? No answers came and we continued plodding along, in vain. My friend and I often discussed the relationship and, to my delight, he expressed feelings of displeasure at my being with this man for the rest of my life. Without directly mentioning his own feelings, he said he thought that it wouldn't last and that I was too young when I'd met him. He also said that I wasn't being as appreciated as I should be.Eventually, one evening in June, I felt the need to bring my feelings up again not knowing what I expected to come of it. I just had to tell him. To my dismay they were met with a similar response to my original confession. I became angry, How could he not feel it? We talked all the time, I made excuses to spend time talking to him. We joked about running away to go traveling and escape the dullness of our lives for something more exciting. We talked of sex with growing frequency and the interest in each other was clear. So what was going on? I once more suggested cutting contact and accused him of playing games with me, he was hurt and agreed we shouldn't speak if I thought this about him. This time it lasted nearly a month. I tried not to think about him and I tried harder still to mend the growing tears in my relationship. My partner was completely unaware of the relationship and, although concerned about the amount of time I was spending on the computer, he carried on as normal and didn't suspect a thing. I suppose you could say even then, when I was planning to stay with him still, that things weren't right. He didn't know me, he thought he did.As the days passed and we continued to post on the forum, I knew deep down that it just wasn't going away. I recall the day I realised this will such clarity... I was alone in the house and thinking about him as usual, I began to shake uncontrollably at the prospect of never speaking to him again, at not having him in my life some way. I had to make contact, had to apologise and was determined to keep him, if only as a friend. He instantly accepted and things resumed as though nothing had happened. I knew what I was doing wasn't good for me, wasn't healthy but this man... he made me laugh so much, excited me, I was falling in love.Over the next couple of months we talked even more than we had done before, we exchanged texts when we were out living our lives as normal, the relationship in general intensified. I was due to move to France for a year that September as part of my Degree and decided that I would leave my partner when I was there. I knew that no matter what happened with myself and my friend, my engagement would never work. I reasoned that, even though I loved him, I wasn't in love with him and could use the year abroad to get over him. When I finally did it, it was an extremely difficult and emotional time but I carried on talking to my friend as normal. He was amazed that I'd done it, he'd always thought I'd never leave and said I was just too comfortable to see the writing on the wall.Not long after, there was a marked change in him. He flirted more than usual, dropped big hints that he felt the same way about me and became increasingly affectionate. Our shared love for creating mischief on the forum kept us amused for hours and hours and we talked the nights away. I desperately wanted to be with him, he was everything I never knew I'd wanted. He was extremely bright, well balanced and creative. His twisted humour appealed to me. I was deeply attracted to him sexually.The night it finally became obvious to me was in the form of something small, he'd said he was going to get me a present for Christmas. I was ecstatic... I just knew this meant he felt the same way. From then on we became very affectionate and not too long after he confessed that he was in love with me, but that he was scared. He'd held reservations and fought it for some time, after all... this was an internet relationship, what would people think? Would it work the same way in person? Would it even happen? I had been right, he had felt the same way all along. Quite rightly he had his reservations, I'd been engaged for goodness' sake, but now that it was gone we began to talk about the future, about finally meeting. He said that he thought we should leave the big meeting, until after university, he reasoned that, as we were terrified of it not working out, we should to it at a time when we'd be going in new directions anyway and the loss would seem more bearable. It made sense, it would be hard but, we were special, I just knew it would work. As time went by it became increasingly more obvious that we just couldn't wait that long, 18 months was a hell of a long time and we were getting extremely close and involved. I told him everything, opened up my heart and bared my soul. He did the same. Not long before Christmas, we agreed to move it forward to the coming June. Still some time away but a long distance relationship between France and Britain seemed ridiculous and expensive and we knew that we'd waited this long, waiting a little bit longer we could do. We made solid plans for the future, traveling like we'd been dreaming about and an even bigger future, an eternity. Life was officially bliss. This brings us up to now. You may be surprised to learn that we haven't actually met, given the obvious intensity of my feelings. You might even call me foolish, for putting so much hope and faith in a relationship that might never be. I'd say that you were wrong, that I just know deep down we're perfect for each other and that I know him so well and he knows me so well (better than I know myself) that it couldn't possibly fail. We're prepared for it to be strange, maybe even awkward but we've agreed to fight for it. I know he is who he says he is, that has never been an issue. We're soul-mates, we just happened to meet in an unconventional way. We're connected on a higher level, he knows when I'm sad and I feel when he is too and not when we're talking. At random times in the day I'll receive an affectionate text message when I need it most, he knows what I'm thinking constantly. He knows me inside out.I've never once felt that the way we met would hinder us, it's been brilliant. We have been given the opportunity to get to know each other properly, without pressure or fear of rejection. We've been more open than we would have been in person. It is complete agony not being with him and some days I find it hard to get out of bed and do anything but talk to him. It's a curious thing knowing somebody this well, being in love with them and committing myself to spending my life with them when I haven't even met them but I just know that it's meant to happen and that we'll make it work. I'd rather give it my all and wind up crashing and burning than miss out on one second of our conversations. I mean, if our love can transcend our circumstances, how could it ever be anything but perfect when we meet?
View related questions:
christmas, crush, engaged, flirt, long distance, text, university Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, As it is  +, writes (10 February 2008):
I would just say that before you give every ounce of your being to this guy, hold a little back just in case when you meet face to face the attraction simply isn't there. I had a very similar circumstance, and when we eventually met, regardless of how wonderfully, amazingly well we had got on online (including feeling sexually attracted), no matter how hard I tried, wished, hoped and tried to rationalise that our online personalities had it all - the 'real life' attraction just wasn't there and wouldn't come! If it is there, then lucky you and I wish you a happy future!
A
female
reader, Devilish Angel  +, writes (29 January 2008):
 I think that there's nothing wrong with having an online relationship or meeting someone over the internet. I think that its great that you found someone who makes you happy and I think that the show should go on. Just make sure you bring protection when you meet him and I don't only mean condoms. I mean pepper spray or something to fend him off if he turns out to be a bad guy. Yes, you think you know him very well but no person can completely be known except by God.
...............................
|
