A
female
age
41-50,
*K8833
writes:I am done. After our fight tonight I have finally seen him for what he is. He is selfish, emotionally abusive, chauvinistic, and paranoid. I want out of this sham of a marriage that I have tried so hard to save. I realize now that I can't save it alone and his lack of willingness to try speaks volumes on how he feels about me. I am leaving him, but I don't know how to do it. I don't even know where to start. What do I do now? How do I tell him I am leaving? Should I wait until he is out of town on business and pack up my stuff and tell him when he gets home or should I tell him first and then leave?Please help, I am so scared to do this, but I know if I want any kind of happiness then I need to leave. I'd rather be single and happy than married and miserable.
View related questions:
emotionally abusive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Here are a few more things to do:1. Copy all your old income tax records for at least 4 to 5 years.2. Get addresses of his parents and siblings, phone numbers in case you need to contact them- or others, like skip tracers looking for money from him. 3. Start cleaning and purging... call it spring cleaning, but when you move you don't want to have to pack a bunch of junk up. If you leave with minimal stuff, you'll have to come back at some point and go through all this, and the shorter it takes the better you'll be. My recommendation is clean, organize and be ready to pack it all up in 2 to 3 hours.4. Bank account and credit card information is vital. Be prepared to cut off all your joint cards. This will mean having the pay them off- that day. if you have balances on them, it could complicate matters- talk to a good attorney, not some "cheap divorce" type. You're going to want to make it impossible for him to run up debt while you're still married as it could make you libel for payment. 5. Know what you OWN, and what you have debt on- run a credit report on both of you and SAVE IT.6. Be prepared to change every since telephone number, log on, password and the like. My ex new everything (like 99.9% of the world, I used on PW, one PIN... my new Pin is the data that we split- a day I always want to remember!) Get a new cell phone, email address... the entire thing.7. Get a restraining order at a MINIMUM he needs to be forbidden from moving money, canceling credit cards, modifying his 401K savings (you may get some of that), cashing in his IRA... whatever- he needs to be held to doing what's he has been doing until the divorce is settled.8. Consider taking cash instead of getting the house, usually a mistake unless your job is good and safe- many women get the house, only not to be able to pay for it. Take cash instead- personally, I didn't want to own the house that my ex and I lived in-it was nice, but there are lots of nice houses.9. Tell your HR department, he could show up at your office, unlikely violent, but desperate to talk. Tell you parents, siblings, freinds. They need to at least understand a basic concept- not much.10. limit your Facebook, twitter and other social networking accounts and DO NOT use them to discuss your divorce, him or anything related to the situation. Don't email his freinds and family- zero contact. Direct him to your attorney for all correspondence.11. Get the divorce done ASAP- some men get so mad that they will agree to all kinds of things to get it done. I've know guys who took on 100% of huge debt to see her gone... and sent her off with cast to boot.In my divorce my ex was so mentally unstable, had lied about virtually everything and alienated herself from her own legal team (she'd lied about everything and I spent 9 months proving it... and did so 100%) that the only way that I was able to get it done was to agree to pay her attorneys using the money she was going to get. I was able to write a $70,000 check for her to them, they deducted $35,000 they'd spent chasing crazy stories and sent her the rest- she was going to screw them to, and in the end I once again foiled her crazy plans. The point is, focus on getting this DONE and not fighting with him. Life gets a whole lot better! But first, you need to take the first steps... prepare, then act.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Dear lady,
The fights are normal. Believe me you will be even more worse being separated and divorced. In life the situations are there, man too has many pressures and problems that he faces and mostly he does it for you only. He may not say it to you but it is you who he does every thing for. So do not take extreme steps. Can you analyse your self also on how you react to him. Marriage needs understanding on both side and it takes time for both to keep adjusting to each other and i know most of the time, both are right and good people. It is just that thinking is different. So i feel, unless he has another girl in life or some other kind of extreme situation, other things are result of both husband and wife's actions and reactions. I can tell you right away, your life be even worse with divorced and next man will even be worse. work it out with your hubby.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 February 2010):
First of all, good for you. Too many people take too much from rubbish partners, so this is a great chance to start again.
Since he is emotionally abusive and likely to explode, you need to do everything quietly before you tell him. You need to speak to a lawyer, tell your own friends and family so you have a good support network, then find a place to live. Also make sure you have all your documents and such ready (bank details, new accounts, passport, insurances etc), so the move can be very swift. Then when everything is ready that you can move out from his place and into your own, tell him it's over. If you're worried for your own safety at all, have someone there with you who can support you. I wish you all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Moxie Bliss +, writes (28 February 2010):
 quiet-echo is right. set up a seardy foundation if you can handle dealing with things that long. you can never be to cautious. Take support with you. another male preferably to avoid intimidation. make your reasons clear when you tell him. Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 February 2010):
You know him best, you know what you think is best to do. If you think he may be violent and you know he's going out of town SOON.... then wait till then.
If not then just bring a couple of friends over and tell him with back up.
Find a sofa that you can sleep on at a friend's house and then start looking for a house share, or a place you can afford to live in. Then once he's calmed down a bit, go and get the rest of your stuff and do the rest through your lawyer.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
