A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for four years. We have a wonderful little girl who is three years old. So when we first met we were both on drugs, in a very bad place in our lives. We started out as friends and gradualy it turned into more. Before we got married, we got eachother clean, without rehab just the two of use, we have been sober for almost 5 years. The reason I am mentioning this is because Always in the back of my mind I a thinking that we were meant to be, because we have made it thru so much together, because I have always heard that when you are a couple on drugs you can not get clean together, also the type of drugs we were on 1/100 people every get clean, so it's kind of like we bet the odds together we were meant to be.Okay so I am 24 and my husband is 11 years older than me. Right now in our marriage I just feel like we are bringing out the worst in eachother. I know that I am bitching alot, I try so hard not to, Sometimes I feel just horrible, I dont even want to look at him. but it's like when I am around him I just get into this mood that i can't talk myself out of. Same with him he has NEVER hit me, but has told me that i make him so mad he could... We fight alot, I mean alot.. yelling..screaming..throwing things..and most of the time it is right in front of our daughter! I beg him to stop screaming at me..because every other word is f*** you, f*** that...and he calls me every name in the book..i beg him to stop, because it is always right in front of our daughter. She crys and begs him not too. I can honestly tell you when we fight yes I do get mad, but I suggest we talk about it all later when the little one is not around. He doesn't care.So I asked him one day, what we should do. He blames everything on me. I know it is me, but it is also him. He says i am the reason he acts the way he does to me and our daughter. So i suggest a divorce, he of course thinks its not a good idea (even though he threatins it all the time) he thinks its a bad idea, because he grew up in a home that was split, but i also know its not a good idea to fight like we do around a child. I care about my husband, and sometimes i think i am still in love, but I just cant stand him. I think i could be a lot happier, but I want the best thing for my daughter. I have suggest counseling, he sometimes agrees, but then never takes the effort to set it up for us, or to take it eve seriously. When is enough..enough?? I feel that i could be much happier, also a better mother to my child if I just did it alone, but then i look at the women who get in these relationships and get beat..that doesnt happen to me..so would i be selfish if i left over fighting?..and over not being happy? What is the best thing for my daughter?I hope this is clear, I have never been much of a writter, and as i glance over this it looks like i am just rambling on, maybe i needed to vent, I hope i didnt leave anything out. Please give me your honest advice, I don't have anyone to talk to.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (2 August 2010):
 If you want to be selfish, you can stay and make your child suffer.
If you want to do what is best for your child.
YOU LEAVE
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): Going by the last update you just gave, your husband needs anger management counselling if he can't control his temper. If he refuses to go, leave him, because like ihatewomanbeaters said, he DOES have potential to lean towards violence, not just against you, but to your daughter, as well.
If he goes but still refuses to change, leave him for sure. That means he'll never listen to anyone enough to change himself, just like he did the opposite of listen to you in the car, when he flew off the hook, and he didn't understand how your daughter was trying to not only protect you, but to make him listen too.
Don't ever worry about what a temperamental person would feel if you split, because that what force you to disregard your own feelings and compromise your safety, and the same things for your daughter. You need to look out for yourself and your children, as a mother.. that's all. It would be different if he was being civilized and caring toward you two, but he's not.. he's making himself feel better by venting and making you and your daughter feel worse. Please remember that when you feel the need to care too much about what his life would be like after splitting up with you.
If you feel too unsafe around him, or that your daughter's unsafe around him, leave him now, even if it's a temperary split. He'll get the hint everytime you're not around and he can't control or manipulate you with his intimidation factor.
Keep us posted if there are anymore changes, and pm me if you wish, anytime. Thanks so much for updating us on your situation. When you feel nervous to be around your husband how you expressed the fear and confusion that is present, it's time to act. Tell him you're not living with him if he doesn't get anger management counselling, but in a nice way without name calling. Anytime he threatens violence, phone the police, and at least they'll have it on record that he threatened you. If he does it more than once, they'll most likely remove him and make him find somewhere else to live, if it's anything like the area I live in(so that might not happen).
Like I say, if you feel too threatened by his behavior to wait until the day he might change, leave now. If you feel like leaving, don't hesitate. It's a survival instinct for a very good reason, and many women get severely hurt or die every year for simply waiting and neglecting their gut feeling. You can worry about the divorce part afterward, but getting out is the first step.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA couple of weeks ago for no reason really, we were driving down the road, my husband started yelling at me, cussing at me..I still can't tell you what it was about, but the more I ask him to please stop yelling the louder and crazier he gets. My daughter in the back sit said, "if you're going to be a "shithead" and treat my mom like this then i just want you to leave and thats it, you leave it will just be me and my momma." He turned around and said listen hear little girl, if you call me a shithead again i will smack your lips off! My mouth dropped to the floor, he has never said anything like that before, i cant even believe he said it to her!! I could never see him hitting her, I told him if he ever touch her like that in any way I would kill him, and believe me i meant it, my child is my life. To make a long story short, this was another story, it went out to another huge fight. So here i am again reading over this advice..because we have been fighting again all day today..but once again he has turned the tables and making me feel that this is all my fault once again.......
I think my daughter telling me that she wants him to leave, and it to just be me & her should be a message loud and clear. Thank you for all the comments, if you pray, please keep me in your prayers, I am scared, and nervous..I just want to make the best decision. I guess a huge change like this will never be easy.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (2 May 2010):
Your child is regressing and going back to a baby like state on account of the intensity of your arguments.He is threatening you and is *potentially* violent (dont think he isn't for one second). He is the one who needs to be medicated, not you!Think about it logically. Do you really think that he is some martyr that is the only one that can love you? Or, do you think he is saying no one will love you, because you are the only the that will love him?I am telling you. You want to get a divorce. It's about having a healthy child, not preserving a terrible marriage. Again, message me and I will be more than happy to talk to you about it in greater detail. I worked for a women's shelter, I have seen where you are going. I have seen how your child will grow up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I read back over everything I wrote, to respond to one remark that was made, When it comes to my moods, I have been told in the past that I have bipolar, I have been thinking about getting back on my medicine again, even though when I was on the meds, I just didn't feel like myself. I have just always like to stay away from meds, I don't even like to take medicine for a headache.Maybe this has something to do with my moods I dont know.
Also I forgot to mention that here lately my child who has been potty-trained for over year has been having problems. Wetting her pants at daycare, at home..not even trying to make it to the bathroom just straight up peeing her pants in the middle of the floor. I took her to the doctor i was concerned that maybe she was having a UTI or someother bladder problem, but come to find out it was nothing. The doctor said it was behavioral related. She asked what was going on in the home to make her do that, has anything changed lately? The only thing I can think of is, us fighting so much, I told the doctor could parents fighting have anything to do with it, she said yes. So of course I am very worried about that, for the past week she hasn't had one accident so I hope it stays that way. I am just worried that I am screwing my child up.
My husband tells me that if we do split, I better get used to being alone, because I will never find anyone who will love me and put up with me. That really makes me worry, that maybe it is all me..Maybe I am the problem!!! I am going to seek counseling for myself. I think it will be helpful to have an outside parties point of view just like now.
When it comes to rules of "arguing" that will never happen. My husband when we are fighting and I say can I just go outside for a few minutes by myself to cool off, he won't even let me do that. He is quick to leave, but when I say I am going to leave for the night to just get away for a few hours and let things cool off, he freaks out on me. wont let me out if the house, He says if I leave then his ass will be gone when i get back..that if i leave it is overwith. Someone had once told me that it is good to get away from eachother for a little while ecspecially when fighting but thats not an option with him.
I really appreciate all the respones, I recieved, I wrote this thinking, I will never hear anything back from anyone. so Thank you so much!
One more thing, I love my in-laws, most importantly my Father-n-law. When i was a child and was 6 years old my father was shot and killed at the age of 23. I have never called anyone "Dad" in my whole life, but I do call my father-n-law that with ease, it just came naturally I am worried what would happen with our relationship, I truly love him. For once I have this man that i call Dad, who loves me. Also he has had some health problems and I think..out of all his children they are all so selfish that none of them would take care of him. I have always pictured being the one who would care for him, I would move him into my house, or build him a house close to mine and take care of him forever.I love him. What will happen to him and our Relationship if my husband and I divorce?? Dad, had told me that no matter what he would always be here for me and I hope he means that.
I also worry about my husband, at times i could careless about his feelings, but when I think about him being alone and unhappy I do feel bad for him, if we split up what will happen to him...Will i regret it all in the end?? If i could no if I would regret my actions in the end..it would make this decision so much easier to make. I guess you never know until you do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Firstly, before you decide to throw in the towel and leave, set up counselling for yourself, so you can learn how to deal with his emotions to make your own feel better, and vice versa. A good counsellor will be able to guide you through a more peaceful existance. You can't be happy until you know what your best options are and apply them. Right now, until he decides to make a concerted effort to go with you to family counselling, go for yourself anyway, which will also make a positive impact on you and your daughter's happiness and peace. You need to give that to yourself, right now, and some jobs will even pay for it, depending on which job you work at and if they cover it in your work benefits. Alot of people don't realize that, and miss out, many times paying for their own.. Once you feel more at peace while going to counselling for yourself, you'll have a much more positive and clearer perspective on what to do next, and what to do each day. Ultimately, the best would be to try to eventually convince your husband that he needs to hear the guidance of a trained counsellor, as well, so he can use that to better his knowledge about what he could be doing to find peace, too. Both of you will feel the other is provoking, but both have to admit to themselves that they actually don't yet know all the answers, and for that reason, need trained counselling. This is the best end result for your children, which is what you both need to live for now. It's a natural occurance to feel tension and a lack of being in love or being able to control your love for each other, while raising children and striving to have the money to pay for all the essentials in life. Your situation is not uncommon, and there is hope and the great possibility of completely changing the negative atmosphere in your home, if you both have faith in what counselling can do, for results and achieving happiness. I like to compare the notion of being helped by a trained counsellor to being helped by a trained massage therapist.. I never believed either would work, but both have completely changed my life, and allowed me to live a more peaceful, bearable and happy life, without the feeling of hopelessness. It's very difficult for you or your husband to swallow your pride and admit that you won't be able to change your situation, or your child's, without the proper counselling from a trained third person, but it's a personality conflict mixed with other issues that needs to be resolved. Once you get tired enough of seeing your daughter live in that type of environment, you'll go.. This is your only next positive step, and you can go as many times as you want, and you'll no longer feel and be alone in your decisions. Just like they say you can't love others without learning to love yourself, a person can't properly love their children without first learning how to love themselves and their partner. When you got married, it was to become one, or tie the knot, as they say, so you both have to want to get there, and be 'one' as you dreamed of becoming, so you can positively work together to bring happiness and love into your daughter's life. Good luck, and have faith in things working out. Start now, because it's never too late..
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A
female
reader, Si Si  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 Dear girl..Firstly,their seems to be a lot of issues here.
The most important thing is your daughter right? Do you really think the relationship you describe with your husband is doing her any good? She is constantly witnessing a dysfunctional,stressful and emotionally abusive relationship.
You say,that perhaps it`s not too bad because he doesn`t actually hit you{although it may come to that one day}but there are many ways to abuse a person,and verbal abuse can,as has been proved, be just as damaging.When someone shouts and screams and calls you names repeatedly,that is abuse!
Your husband won`t make the effort to go to counselling? what does that tell you? It tells me that he is not in the least interested in improving things between you.
Please remember "good things get better and bad things get worse" if nothing is done this situation will continue to deteriorate.
I would say that you need to give your husband an alternative. Either he seeks counselling or you are going to leave.{and mean it}Perhaps some time away from each other would be a good idea for all of you. It would give you the time to think things out from a distance. It would give your daughter a much more sirene and peaceful enviornment to live in, which is what she deserves as a child. And it would give your husband a chance to see what life is like without his family.
Sometimes the best decision doesn`t always seem the the easiest one at the time.I feel sure you you have the courage to do the best thing for her..
You have my sympathy as I know it can`t be easy for you.
I wish you happiness.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 You should do your very best to improve your relationship . Leaving is easy but you will have regrets and remorse .Sometimes, silence is the answer to many problems.
You may not be able to change him but you need to change your perspective of him.
With a different approach to those issues,he will react differently.If you are nice to him , he will surely be nice to you back. Do good and you will reap good. If you sow hatred and dissentions , you will get plenty of it back.
Try to avoid those contentious issues which has no right answers.Know where are his ballistic buttons and avoid pressing them.
Compromise is the key to peaceful living. Everyone is different and unique. Each one is entitled to their opinions.
Respect others if you want others to respect you .Do unto others what you want others to do unto you .Do not argue because it will not solve anything. Do what you think is right .
If he does not agree, do not bang his head or force it down his throat. To each his own.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (2 May 2010):
Get a divorce....
These threats of hitting you are not empty. It is a matter of progressing and pushing it every day until one day he feels comfortable doing it.
I have told this to dozens of women that waited to divorce. They ended up getting hit. You're mismatch between you and your husband is enough to get a divorce.
However, you have a child together. Your child is not going to be healthy, if she has to deal with you two arguing for the rest of her childhood.
Be happy so she can be happy.
If you are happy she will be happy.
If you are not happy, she will not be happy.
That is my honest and experienced opinion.
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