A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my fiance very much. He is sweet, funny, understanding, and beyond in love with me. Unfortunately he is horrible with money. We have lived together for over a year and he has maybe contributed a grand total of $2,000 to all bills and living expenses, and currently he has $17,000 worth of credit card debt. The thing is he works full time but is trying to get set up to start his own automotive shop, so he is always spending money on tools and is currently building a tow-truck but is unable to actually do much work for money. He will occasionally buy larger "toys" to work on like motorcycles. It is very difficult for me to flat-out say no, since he becomes quite depressed when he wants something but knows he can't afford it. I have gotten better at not giving him any money, but it brings me down a lot when he is so depressed.He is always very remorseful about the fact that he can't contribute and generally seems upset about how little money he has, but that is because he spends it all. I have some guilt since we moved to a city so I could attend graduate school and so are not necessarily set up in the best location for his dreams. I am just very scared because my parents were broken up due to my dad's money mismanagement, sending them into foreclosure and bankruptcy. I feel like that wouldn't happen since I am the one who may be the bigger breadwinner, but I am so stressed about money all the time. It is so difficult for me to get perspective and see if he will fix this in the future when I have saved up some more capital for him to invest, and if I have a well-enough paying job it wouldn't matter. I don't know what I would do without him, he was my first boyfriend (although not first sexual partner) and I feel like we need each other. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Original poster here, not sure how to make that clear. You've made very good points that I needed to hear, as I know no one would ever personally give it to me straight. I think we both need to find more emotional independence.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (20 October 2010):
 CindyCares pretty much covered the bases..He has money for his larger than life Hot Wheels but doesn't have the money to contribute to bills and living expenses. Just curious how buying project trucks/cars and tricking them out is benefiting his dream of opening up an auto shop? Shouldn't he be setting aside so much money out of each paycheck to fund his dream? He needs to grow up and be adult..he can't afford his toys right now, he needs to pay for living expenses and his bills..working to pay off his debt. Don't fall for the sad puppy dog face he gives you when he wants a bike he can't seem to afford. He will put you in debt too if you don't watch it.
So woman up and tell your man that he can either sell these tricked out toys and save that money for his dream, and start contributing what he can to bills or he can get his own place to learn some responsibility.
Once you get married, you already know you're going to have to get tough on him and take control of the finances or you won't have a dime in your bank account. Give him a weekly cash allowance, don't give him a debit card, and be strict on what you give him. Tell him to spend wisely because that's all he's getting, no more. Bottom line, put your foot down or history will repeat itself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 October 2010):
 Uh-oh. What what what... you are saving up from your own hard earned money , to put together a capital you'd give him to invest ? To a guy that so far has shown to be totally irresponsible with money, can't even keep track of where his cah goes and can't even be trusted to pay for his own basic necessities because when he has got money he buys "toys "?...
Again, uh-oh. That's the equivalent of going for a swim with your pockets full of rocks- you can't reasonably expect a good outcome.
I think the only solution here is "though love ". You've got yourself a big toddler- he likes his toys and when he can't get a new one he mopes and puts on a long,sad face and you can't stand it. As the tender, loving MOM that you are, ..or you are gonna become in his eyes.
Just say no. Let him "be depressed ". Let him fend for himself. Either he'll grow up and become more financially responsible- or he won't and hopefully you'll get tired of his emotional blackmails.
This has got nothing to do with money per se, or with being generous. It has got to do with a healthy balance in the couple. Either partner can be the main breadwinner, as long as the other does all he /she can to contribute. When this does not happen, there is a shift from an adult partnership between equals to a parent- child relationship, which eventually kills erotism and fosters all kinds of resentments.
Be also cruel with yourself and take a self esteem inventory :ask yourself if you have
to yield to all his requests ONLY because you don't want
to see him sad- or also because deep down you feel that ,without the "perks " you offer, you could not be equally lovable or loved.
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