A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello,This is my first post.I am emailing about my relationship with my fiancee. We have been together 5.5 years, and engaged for about 9 months now.She has been living abroad on a scholarship (grad school) for the past 4 months, and has 5 months left to go. I visited her once, but think I will be too busy (and can't afford to anyway) to make another trip.Everything was perfect before she left, but I feel a distance growing between us since she left. Not so much while I was there... but immediately after I came back the distance resurfaced.My primary issue I am writing about is a particular male friend of hers.I have never met him. She met him when she moved there.She loves to dance (couples dances, etc) and she met a guy in one of her salsa classes and befriended him. They hang out regularly, sometimes in groups, sometimes alone (dinners, movies, plays, etc). She seems to (although it's hard to tell considering we are so far apart) to have regular and near-constant contact (texts, etc) with him.If she was lovey-dovey and making clear signs of devotion to me, that would be one thing. But I haven't been getting "validation" from her on her commitment to our relationship and to me.My fear is that this guy will fill the "void" that is in her life, with us apart, and I feel it's inappropriate for them to go out dancing together and go on what are essentially "dates" (movies, dancing, etc), particularly when I don't know the guy and when she's mentioned that if she were single he's probably a guy she could date (I guess they get along really well).She is NOT the jealous type, and would have no problem with me having female friends. I wonder if this is due to a lack of respect for me...I don't want to appear unconfident or jealous so I don't really bring the issue up to her at all when she talks about him.What do you suggest? I don't really know how to deal with this.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 June 2008):
 She left to study....don't play the " I already went...it's not my sole responsabilit"...stuff. She is not the one complaining. If you are that concerned and can make the trip, then go. If some guy was sniffing around my lady I'd make an attempt to see what was going on.
If you were not bothered by this then you wouldn't have written. You're taking a tougher stance now and it's a change of tone compared to your first entry. If you are as confident as you sound now, then don't go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): I think that you have the right to express your preference that she not hang out with this guy, stated as the fact that it makes you feel bad, even though you hate to cramp her style. Tell her you just can't help feeling bad, because you would like to be the one there salsa-dancing and going out with her.
In a good relationship, if one person is doing something that annoys or hurts the other person, they do their best to stop it. This can be as minor as stopping leaving the dirty dishes around, or as major as giving up a friend. Explain that you understand that you're asking a big favor, and you are not making a demand or an ultimatum. But she has got to be informed of how you feel.
If after getting this clear message, she can not or will not stay away from this guy, well... it won't be good for your relationship. But in that case you'll understand that the relationship is on shaky ground anyway instead of living in ignorance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, we have talked about it and I already did make a visit. She said she's committed to our relationship but they liked hanging out and there's no concern.
And I thank you both for your reply, but I don't think it's fair to me to go see here AGAIN, just to save the relationship. We are engaged and it shouldn't be my sole responsibility. If I have to be the one that keeps things going all the time then it isn't a very healthy relationship, wouldn't you think?
I could "afford" to go over, and could probably even find the time. But do I think it is fair... and that I should have to do this... when SHE is the one that left... no I don't think so.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (8 June 2008):
This is a long reply. This really must be difficult for you. I have been in a somewhat similar spot although it was much more brief. Let me see if I can make a comparison.
My wife was away visiting friends and some guy approached her while she was out one night. They met, talked and by her own account, had a nice night. It was a fun place, he was with his mixed crowd of friends, she was with our friends. It was a complete coincidence but they seemed to like each other. She said he was really interesting, nice and that kind of thing. I could tell by her demeanor that she enjoyed his company. Normally the fact that a guy approached wouldn't bother me. This time it did though because she had believed he was just a "nice guy". I was angry because although may be a nice guy but he made it clear he had an interests in her. She is wise and can defend herself but the fact he was able to make her feel relaxed, even though she knew his hopes, scared me. That meant that there was something that "clicked" between them.
I too asked her the stupid questions..."was he good looking (yes)...."Was he the kind of guy she could date if she was single"(yes). In other words, I was jealous. Let me say, I am not usually jealous. We've been married 22 years and this was never an issue.
The problem is this, and it pertains to you too. A coincidental meeting like my wife had can be scary. By chance, she happened to meet someone she could potentially like. The truth is, there are lots of guys out there that fit that role. Normally, she would not have the chance to get to talk to a guy who had shown his interest because I would probably be with her. The truth is my wife loves me but unexpected attention from a stranger feels good. The dangerous part is they "clicked" to some level. She had limits because she is married. He had none. That is dangerous because he has nothing to lose. If he happens to find a woman who is in a weak moment, it could spell trouble.
Your lady obviously likes this guy. She has told you this. He probably likes her too. I don't know too many guys who would spend this much time with a woman without hopes of some pay off. That is what I explained to my wife...guys are usually nice for a reason. There is a void in your fiancés life and it is you. Make no mistake about that. This other guy is doing all the things that you should be doing with her. The fact she told you he could be someone she would date if she was single, is a huge red flag. That means....there is a level of attraction there.
Jealousy will consume you. My wife works with many men. If she was focused on one in particular, I'd be worried. Also we never really know who are partners are attracted to. They don't tell us, nor do we tell them. The most important things are our actions. Your fiancée is playing with fire, based on what you've told us. It takes a very strong person to remain at an arm's length from someone we're attracted to. It's like putting freshly baked chocolate chip cookies on the table and telling a child not to touch them. The problem here is your lady and this guy are nurturing a potential dangerous situation. She does like him and they continue to spend alone time together. She may have convinced herself she would never cross the line with him. The fact that someone has to "convince" them self of something should be enough to tell them to get away from the situation.
In my case, I felt danger. My wife thought I was crazy. Her case was meeting someone once, by chance. Your fiancée is in a situation where the stakes get higher because of frequency.
Having said all this, it may still be true that you are way off base. It is still true though that this is a risky relationship. Did she tell you she would date this guy if she were single or did you ask her that question? Also, if you demand she stop hanging out with this guy she would be angry and you could never really even know if she stopped. I think you need to find a way to visit her.
It's easy to be confident when there is no threat of danger. It's more difficult when there is someone else lurking around. Relationships change. Yours was based on what you knew before she went away. She went away with her expectations based on what she knew at that moment. She is experiencing an adventure of sorts and that can change us. You are at home "waiting" and that is very hard to do. It's even more harmful when you know there is a potential threat. As you know there are always potential threats out there. A rational person can figure out which ones are real. A jealous person drops the hammer and restricts their partner from all of life's experiences. It would seem you have some rational jealousy.
Make the trip and sort this out. It will haunt you until you do that. You can not continue to mentally accuse her of things that may not be real, so deal with it.
Please let me know how this goes.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 June 2008):
 I'd express my concern with her. Not meaning to make your day worse, but we have abilities to pick up on subtle signes of behavior changes in people we're close too. Even if we don't consciously think about it, that feeling of something being off comes from our subconscious and what we know, even when not thinking about it.
Don't beat around the bush. Express your concern. It may or may not be the answer you're looking for, but at least you'll know instead of wondering "what if."
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