A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my fiance for 4 years. i am 41 and he is 49. he is my true soulmate and we have been very happy together.unfortunately he lost his dad 2 years ago and his mum became unwell so my fiance decided to move back home and look after his mum. she has asthma and another breathing condition which does limit her activities however she is able to do some for short periods of time. its been 2 years now that hes lived there and iv asked him to move in with me and that we'll both be there for his mum. i live 5 minutes drive away. he said no that he wont leave his mum. she emotionally blackmails him by saying shes lonely.things have been tough for us but our relationship only became stronger. i have been patient but i think its time for us now, life is too short. am i being unreasonable. what should i do.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Hi
When I lost my mum my dad was like a fish out of water, didn't know what direction to go, they had been together forever. It took 2 or 3 years,but he built up a life of his own, friends helped him.He was never the same though.
If your man feels he needs to be there for her for now then its understandable, but she needs to be encouraged to build a life of her own. I can see your mans point of view, its his mum and we only get one, losing his dad will have bought the message home that parents are not there forever.
I dont think she is blackmailing him, I think he wants to be there. If he is at work in the day then she sees him in the evening only. The best you can do is to encourage her to build up a circle of friends, go on day trips, join clubs. That way she won't depend on your man so much and he will see that.He can then spend more time with you, he is only 5 mins away so until she is more independant I think he will stay.
Do you take her out for the day? Do you get along with her? Do you ask her to yours for dinner etc?
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 May 2012):
 I agree with Notdoneyet...
He is only 5 minutes away, if you love him you can still have a life with him, but he will always put his mum first.
I am having this myself, as my partner is having to support his mum following his dads death.
You have to weigh up how much you love him against if the situation is making you happy...something will give. You just have to decide if you want him as things are...or your freedom to go find someone more available.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): Its selfish of you to want him to stop looking after his mother to spend more time on you. He will resent you.
Why not suggest that his mother come live with you both and you will help him take care of her? Yes it's not your duty but why not do this for him?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 First of all, it's not emotional blackmail for her to tell him that she's lonely and wants him there. He's taken really good care of her, and she's not ready to cut the strings, so to speak. One of the worst traumatic events of all time is either the death of a child or the death of a spouse. Two years is a long time, but then again, it's not.
He can't just tell her "okay, I'm done. Time to move in with my fiance now" if she hasn't learned the way to cope and move on. Her being sick doesn't help a lot either. He should be encouraging her to not only get out, but to find some support groups and patient advocates to let her know that her son isn't the only way she can cure her loneliness.
It's a slow weaning process when these things happen. Traumatic events happen, and literally you feel emotionally locked. That's where she is. She needs gentle therapy to move from a state of grief and suspended animation to a state of surviving the loved one you lost.
You're not being unreasonable, but then again, you pushing for him to act fast isn't the best now. Does his mom like you? Do you two have a good relationship? If so, you can do your part to help this process with his mom. Keep in mind, you should work through him, as in give him materials to aid his mom.
Sometimes, people don't know what to do in these situations. He is helping her by staying with her, and to merely drop her, leave, and say "My time with you is up" isn't the best way. A good way is to help her find more support than just him. The more she takes baby steps out back into the world, the less she'll depend on him to be her everything.
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Take it from me, a man whose mother was fallen by a fatal sickness. My mother lives with me, yes. She does sometimes gets on my nerves but everytime I think back to her laying on that hospital bed, nearing death, I remember that her time on earth is so short. I don't want to regret not being there if she had. . .to leave usLosing a mother could be traumatic for a child. She was the first woman to love him unconditionaly. We as guys might act tough on the outside but the most of us has a soft spot for our mothers. If he won't leave his mother, why don't you move in and be with him then. I can tell he won't leave the woman that took care of him most of his life for a woman who was there for only a fraction of it, no offense. Let him look after his mother because when she dies she will be gone forever. However, if you leave him, you will still be in the world somewhere. Which do you think is easier for the heart to endure?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): Of course you are being very reasonable. HE, on the other hand is being childish and irresponsible. Life is short as you said it yourself. Move on, and find a man who is willing to dedicate more time to you. You deserve better than than. Best luck.
xx
Susan
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): I think ur being very selfish....especially since his mom is unwell. He already lost one parent n obviously he really wants to be there for her. U should encourage him to be there for her while she's alive. You don't want him overcome with grief once she passes and him feeling like he wasn't there for her. My gf used to do this all the time n I wanted always to say honey what about me we made plans n now since ur mom may visit u cancel on me. My gf lost her mother march 4 2012 from a sudden stroke. It really shocked n hurted my gf, it took me by surprise too. My advice to u, be there for him if u can bc we only get one parent. N I know what it feels like to lose a mom, I lost mines. If this is too much for u, him being by his mom then I think its best to move on without him. He will truly resent u if he chooses u n leave her side only for something to happen to her. One thing u never do is stand in opposition to a man who cares for his sickly mom, he will see u as the enemy. Be careful with saying she's blackmailing him, that may backfire.....to him seeing u in a negative light.
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