A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if I'm in love with my boyfriend anymore. We've been together for 2 years and we've been through A LOT together, so much crap a relationship shouldn't have to withstand. For about 2 months I've been thinking about how I want us to break up because I don't think this is it for me. I didn't feel like we mesh anymore, I didn't feel like we understood each other anymore. And then I thought of the past and how there were so many unpleasant things that happened, and the worst part is that they stood out more than the pleasant things. Another thing is that we lived together as roommates first then began dating, so we were living together from the start till now. In those 2 months I began to feel like I'm not myself anymore, and that I felt like I was missing out on life. Not sure exactly what I'm missing out on, but I felt like I was. The other day we had a conversation that was meant to be about how I was feeling depressed (a lot's been going on in my life for the past year or so) and somehow it turned to be about our relationship. He asked me if I was still in love with him, and I said I don't know. He took it very badly (which I don't blame him, if it were me I'd be heart broken) and when I said "I just need time to sort everything out in my head" he responded with how I didn't give him time when he was going through a rough time in the past, yet he knew that he was in love with me and that he always wants me by his side. I told him I love him, just not sure if I'm in love with him, and now he barely responds to any of my messages and we barely talk (we're currently in different states). He says I should get used to being on my own and that it's what I want/need and he just wants me to be happy. I'm heartbroken and I cry everyday. During the conversation we had I asked him if we can still date but live separately so I can feel like myself again. I don't think he took it well, but I just think that we started kind of wrong by living together as soon as the relationship started. I'm not sure if that's the reason but I really would like my own life. I don't have any friends anymore because I feel guilty that most of my friends are males who want to date me, and when I tell them I'm in a relationship they don't pursue me, yet I still feel like my boyfriend gets uncomfortable knowing those are my friends. So I distanced myself from a lot of people, and now I feel like I've lost myself. I don't know what to do because I can't imagine living without him, I can't imagine not dating him, yet I feel like it's something I must do. I don't know if we should just break up or continue to date while living separately, because that might help us both regain our individuality (I feel he also lost his). I think he feels very betrayed, hurt, and confused, which breaks my heart even more. My feelings I can deal with, but to know that he's hurting in any way just destroys me. I don't know what to do, I cry every night, and I text him saying I miss him and love him all the time, which he says he feels the same way, but I can tell from his texts that he is being very distant. I just want to disappear. This is my first serious relationship, my first love, and the person I care about the most. I'm so torn I don't know what to do. He says he's in love with me, he treats me so well, and I feel like a complete jerk. I'm so scared of being without him, of losing him, of the possibility of not having him in my life. I really did feel held back, but now I'm not sure if I was the one holding myself back, if all the other things in my life that are depressing me the real reason why I feel this way, and it's not him at all. I'm scared I will do something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I'm sorry this is so lengthy but I really need advice now. Thank you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 You are very confused at the moment, which most people are after a break up. I understand that it is breaking your heart that he is being distant but I guess he probably thinks he is doing the right thing for you and giving you some space that you obviously need. I guess you feel that he is all your life instead of just a part of it and it has been getting to you for a while. You do need some time to think about what you want. But you also need to try and get in contact with some of your friends again. I know they might be male, but if they respect that you are in a relationship then it shouldn't be a problem for your relationship. You need to sit and talk to your man and tell him exactly how you are feeling. It is obvious you both need your friends around you as well and I think the best thing is to stop seeing each other as much and doing other things with other people. You do both need some distance. If he is willing to date you when he comes back well then that's great but you both need to sit down and talk it out properly.
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