A
female
age
36-40,
*orrie
writes:Hi all,I have been with my fiancé for nearly 2 years now. Recently he was made redundant and to make ends meet we are now living with his parents. I am still in work and just got promoted. My problem is this, my fiancé, let’s say his name is Dan, will not look for a job. He says he is but he has not been for one interview and when he said he did have one he was lying or just never went as I took half a day’s holiday to surprise him with a nice meal but he was still at home.I feel like I am carrying a dead weight now, he has obviously got comfortable living back at home. But his parents are dirty people and quite lazy so the house is never cleaned unless I do it, which I have to as you wouldn't even want a dog living in some of it. I even had to scrub all round the bath as there was mould on it before I could even have a shower there!I have now threatened that if he hasn't found a job by the end of March then I am going to move out alone and he cannot come until he has found a job. Our relationship is suffering greatly because of this and we have not been getting on for a while. Am I being to harsh or shall I just cut my losses completely and end the relationship for good?Any advice is welcome so thanks for reading! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (12 March 2009):
 he is taking the piss and something will have to give. if your paying for his car finance he is beyond cheeky. its all your choice. you might love him but maybe if this goes on you could end up disliking him a lot...
A
female
reader, Torrie +, writes (8 March 2009):
Torrie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do love him but have to admit his complete lack of respect for our situation is upsetting. I feel umcomfortable living in someone elses house and yes, I am paying for everything, even his car finance so we don't lose vehicle. Its just so frustrating as well as anything else. Plus we even had to dip into MY savings that I had before we got together just to help pay the rent before we moved in with his parents. Its getting beyond a joke and I do feel like I am being taken for a ride.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): You're definately doing the right thing. Stick to your ultimatum. Stay strong and good luck.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses  +, writes (8 March 2009):
Oh, dear. It's easy for all of us to advise you to leave him, but the truth is that you love him. Love puts blinders on all of us, and it makes it difficult to choose the path that is best.
I think you are fotrunate, in one respect. He is showing you his true work ethic prior to the marriage and collection of debt. Believe me, this man will only change when and IF he decides he wants to change. For that reason, please do not expect him to change. If he behaves this way before you are married, expect him to continue this behavior after you are married.
Do you want to fight this battle until "death do you part"? I would personally leave this man and find someone more compatible with my ethics. You are working so hard, earning promotions and establishing a career. You need someone, who will compliment you, not burden you. I'm sure it would be difficult to leave him, since you were expecting to share your life with him, but don't be afraid to charter new waters without him. That doesn't mean you need to run into the arms of another man, just be the strong, independent woman that you already are. And don't give him ultimatums unless you will follow through with them (i.e. leaving unless he gets a job). If he doesn't get a job by March, please leave him.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Please keep us updated. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (8 March 2009):
 This lack of motivation has gone on long enough that I would consider it a clear sign of things to come if you get married. I'm sorry he got laid off, but there is no reason to at least not look for work.
I would cut your losses, give him the ring back and move out. Maybe he needs a big kick in the butt to get started, and you leaving might be just the thing.
Stay strong, don't let him get away with this!
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Yes, I shudder to think what your life would be like if you continue your relationship with him.
Many "aunts" here have written plenty of notes on abuse, be it emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. It boils down to "respect" and in abuse cases, "disrespect" to their partners.
In your case, your b/f may not be "abusing" you in the sense of hurling nasty words, or blackmailing you emotionally, or hurting you physically, but his laziness, his being a slob and a pig (not dissing pigs that are kept clean by the farmers or kept as pets), to a degree is also disrespecting you. What kind of a role model would that make him to your children?
So, in my opinion, your "ultimatum" is quite reasonable and justifiable. It is not about him not making money or doing housework, it is about your future life with a family that is healthy and happy. As ArmyMedic aptly puts it, he is "not ideal husband material".
Move out, and move on!
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): I had a very similar situation. My (now ex) husband was the same way. Messy, lazy, and wouldnt get a job for anything. I used to go out and find the job for him abd he would keep them for a month or so and then find a reason to quit. Then go back to not working for like 6 months. Moral of the story is... If he cant grow up and do it now, he never will. Trust me. You need to find someone who is willing to at least match your efforts in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Do you really want to marry him and marry into that family?
I think he has shown his true colours.... Not ideal husband material.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (8 March 2009):
are you paying for everything? cos if so there is no need to be the workhorse. you need to think about wether you want to be in this relationship?
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