A
female
age
41-50,
*mptyHeart
writes:Ok so, I've been dating this man for 6 months and we are engaged to be married. Yea, when you know you know. It just felt right. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage (he passed away 5 years ago). I thought everything was ok until this past week when I went on vacation. I always had issues with my sister in law, she's very immature and kind of selfish for a 35 year old with 4 kids and still living with her father. We had it out way back when my husband passed away. It was a tragic accident and killed him within a week. He was in a coma when he was knocked down by a tree doing his tree work business. I was left with 3 young children and no where to turn. I freaked out and started dating very quickly. Just to feel normal again, maybe to feel some love, or to get out of my misery for a while. She found out and flipped on me. 5 years later she still holds a grudge and told me she thought I never loved my husband. Which is totally far from the truth. I get along with her for the kids and only for them. We go away as a family on vacation. So this year, she said, if I bring my boyfriend (at the time), they won't go. Now her kids and my kids love each other, so I deal with it. So I told my new bf that it wouldn't be right to have him tag along with my inlaws. It would hurt them. It's just not fair to do that. Plus, not fair for him to have to be around my husbands family. He flipped out on me and said that I can't stand up to my sis in law. Why am I throwing him to the side. I said that's ridiculous, it's only a week. He says I'm wrong for doing that to him and I should have said he's coming anyway. He's hurt. But honestly, my kids need a break from seeing him everyday too. But never want to tell him that. So, he's mad at me and making me feel bad on vacation. I get one vacation a year, and he is ruining it. Even though I can't stand to be around my sis in law, I'm trying to make the best of it. I told him he needs to see a therapist because he can't deal with being away from me. I'm having second thoughts about this wedding. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I don't think I'm being unreasonable???
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (14 August 2013):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes she's the only one in the family that hates me, the others weren't happy with me dating so soon but they are all reasonable adults that understand why I did what I did. It's about 6 other people in that family that attends.
As far as the kids are concerned at home, my oldest is 14 and she's very upset about me dating period. She likes to have her time alone with me away from him (he basically is at my house almost every day), I get that. I have to ease her into this slowly. My others like him a lot, but I don't want to push him on them too much. I think it's good for them to have a break even for a week to let them go back to before he was there. Not that he is a problem at home but just to ease them into it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2013):
 these kids are your kids cousins and that relationship should continue.
your SIL is behaving badly and I would have told her that. She would punish her children to get back at you for doing something SHE does not like?
People that date shortly after the loss of their spouse do not do so because they did not love their spouse. IN fact, it's a sociological and psychological fact, that dating shortly after the death of a loved one means you loved them so deeply you are trying to find those feelings again. It seems disrespectful to those outside but I understand. My dad met the woman he has been with for nearly 18 years THREE MONTHS after my mother died. I had a hard time getting past it even with my knowing that he did it because he wanted to feel that love again... so I don't see how you did anything wrong.
Is SIL the only family that attends? is she the only family member of your deceased husband's family that feels this way? Use that against her.
Stand your ground... but I'm concerned about why you think the kids need a break from their almost step dad.... are there issues with you and him at home that are problematic?
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (14 August 2013):
 No, you're not being unreasonable. Instead, he comes across as selfish and insensitive.
These people were part of your life for years. They are your children's family. By making sure your kids keep to the tradition of the family vacation you're making sure they don't lose yet one more thing. That you do it in spite of your S-I-L (who sounds like a real piece of work) is very much to your credit.
Getting on with your life is difficult after such a loss. Integrating the new life and the old even more so. Ideally the person with whom you choose to move forward will be sensitive to your history, and your children's needs. Did he want to go with you for positive reasons -- sharing time with your children, a genuine interest in getting to know your in-laws? Or for petulant reasons -- he has to come first? It rather sounds like the latter.
It's also telling that you mention your kids need a break from seeing him every day. Really? If you get married, he's certainly going to be there every day. That's a very big red flag you ran up the pole, and for the sake of your children you'll want to think that one through very carefully.
Your second thoughts about the wedding sound very warranted. Do yourself and your children a favour and be very, very sure your not rushing in to this.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 August 2013):
 You are not wrong for feeling this way. You are not bringing him along not because you want to hide this relationship, but because your family may never accept him as a replacement of your late husband. There will be tension, the vacation will be ruined and no one will be happy. Your boyfriend is also afraid that your family will talk you into being single, for honour and for the peace of your late husband. Your sister in law might even say stuff that drifts your relationship apart.
You can say that your relationship is new, and time can reconcile all prejudice. But you have to prepare to deal with this every year. You say you have one vacation a year. Could you do one year with him, then the next year with your family? Does it mean if you go on this vacation with your family, you don't have another chance, even for the honeymoon?
I understand your boyfriend's concern. He wants to see how important he is in your life. If you don't mention anything about your doubts on the wedding, maybe he will calm down about letting you go. This might not be an attachment anxiety issue, but a worry about an actual break up.
This relationship is very new. You are engaged but he doesn't feel like a husband yet. You talked about the wedding too fast without thinking how he fits into your family.
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