A
male
age
36-40,
*imechasers
writes:I'm a new time poster - long time lurker to this site. So my fiance has an issue with me going out and doing things without her. The two of us have lived together for a year and a half (been together 2.5yrs) and the longest we went without seeing each other since we met was around 12 days. We do go out probably 1-2 times a month for dinner (we try not to eat out much), hanging out with friends etc. Occasionally we'll go to music concerts together, but that doesn't happen often. Before I met her I used to go to local shows all the time (and since I was about 14) - it is/was my social network and safety net aside from my family since most of my childhood friends moved away, so I don't ever see them. It seems like whenever I want to go to a show now and she is unable to go with me (which she usually doesn't want to anyway), due to work or school, she tries her hardest to guilt-trip me into not going. For instance I've been planning on going to a concert tonight and have been for a month and she knows this and said she was okay with me going. This morning while I was still in bed she says, "You know I'm upset that you're going to this show right? You never include me in the fun things you do. Those bands you want to see aren't good anyway. Bye." It's like, most of the time she wouldn't want to see the bands I want to go see anyway, so I don't see why it's a real issue that I go, see some old music friends and enjoy some music for 3-4 hours. Usually the guilt-tripping will work and I wind up staying bored at home, while she just plays on the computer, not even hanging out with me. I think I've lost track of how many times I've forfeited my plans just to make her "happy." and when I do she acts like she's sad that I'm not going. It's like some mind-game. Her reasons for acting like this is that she thinks she feels unsafe in our apartment alone even though we live in a safe area or thinks I'm going to cheat on her and run off with some girl and leave her in the dust. I believe I understand where this insecurity comes from (past boyfriends cheating, parents divorcing because father had an affair) - but is it fair to guilt me into revoking having "me" time? I'm not them. To contrast, I don't tell her she can't have her time or guilt her into revoking it. She goes out to bars with friends without me, albeit not on a regular basis, but when she does go, normally she's out until 1-2am and has a great time. I just don't do the bar scene. Its always an uphill battle (since I play music too - which is a whole other issue) for me to do anything without her making me feel really guilty. Any advice on how to deal with it in as positive and constructive a way as possible?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Your girlfriend is manipulating you. And I feel for you because I'm in that exact situation, only its the other way around. My boyfriend doesn't ever want me to go out. And he doesn't like to club so I'm forced to do things his way or argue with him. Its frustrating I know it is!
But two and a half years is a long time and some trust should be gained by now. You need to have a serious talk about this with her. And think about the type of relationship you want to be in. I'm sure she has some great qualities but she is controlling and manipulative and that can only build up resentment from you. A compromise is required to work through this situation. You have to be strong and be your own person for your own personal happiness. And if she is taking away your happiness then how can you make her happy?? Maybe you can go out every other concert, or once a month?? Once you meet a compromise(and you MUST reach one) never do anything to betray her trust or she will never fully trust you again. Trust me I made that mistake and I regret it everyday.
You guys need your own lives to keep a happy relationship. If she can't understand that then she needs to grow up and stop being so dependent on you. Does she have friends? If she has no friends introduce her to some girls you think she'd like to hang with. But it's not your responsibility to be her social life and it's not hers to be yours.
Good Luck with your girlfriend. I hope you guys can work something out.
A
female
reader, KRSMouse  +, writes (11 December 2010):
This is a tricky situation. I can see where she is coming from, I know I can be a bit the same with my boyfriend. Its not that you've done anything wrong, but if someone has messed you about and hurt you in the past, you will always remember it, and she obviously has her own bad experiences that affect how she feels now.
I've learnt that if my other half wants to go somewhere, do something, boys night style kinda thing, to let him get on with it. I won't lie, I feel rubbish while he does, especially when I'm at home alone, but when he comes back to me after and I see everything is fine and ok, I wonder what I was worrying about, and it makes it easier next time he wants to do something without me.
I think that you need to go, otherwise there will be a danger of you coming to resent her for not letting you live you life your way, and I'm sure thats not what either of you want. When you go back home to her after, and she sees everything is ok and you've not run off with the girl from the rockshow, I'm sure she'll feel silly too for worrying, and in time, she'll learn to handle it better. My advice too would be to send her a few texts while you're there, just to let her know that you are thinking of her and that you hope she's ok. At the end of the day, you're entitled to do and go wherever you like, and you should, just be considerate to her insecurities while you do!
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