A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I were living together, got engaged last year and planned to marry this year. 5 months ago he got a promotion and went to work in another city 400 miles away. He also accepted the transfer because it would mean he lived closer to his daughter from his 1st marriage who is living with her mom and stepdad. He said if it wasn’t for the fact that he was going to be closer to the child he may have turned it down , but as he felt he would benefit from promotion and proximity to his child, he went ahead. He did not discuss it with me first, or ask for my opinion or ask me how I felt about it or how we could make it work, he just came out and told me about the decision once it was already made and was packed up and gone 1 month later. All great for him. What about me? Do I fit in anywhere on his list of priorities? He says he wants me to join him if I can get a job up there and then we can get married but it’s not that simple because of work and besides, I never said I wanted to leave my job or move anywhere. I am very angry that I am in this situation in which I have no say and no influence. My opinion doesn’t seem to count. We were very happy together but now I fight with him all the time because I am angry about the situation. What happened to his commitment to me, and our future? He just went and changed the whole game plan on his own and want I need/expected didn’t even come into it. We had a wonderful close relationship (he was always telling me and everyone else how good it was, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me so this wasn’t just from my point of view) and he gave it up. He doesn’t seem to realise my distress or care that he caused it. What made it even worse was that he had a lot of expenses which were not covered by the company and I had to help him out financially a couple of times since the move because no one else could or would. When we were living together I would have done this without even thinking twice, now it makes me feel resentful that I actually gave him money to enable his move while I get left behind! I had a long distance relationship before, also with promises made, but not kept, and after wasting a lot of my time that guy broke up with me because I couldn’t get a job close enough , and he wouldn’t move to be with me, so I’m probably not going to be very positive or optimistic about the whole thing. I love my fiancé but I don’t want to go through this or end up wasting my time waiting in vain for a man like before
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broke up, engaged, long distance, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): "He did not discuss it with me first, or ask for my opinion or ask me how I felt about it or how we could make it work, he just came out and told me about the decision once it was already made and was packed up and gone 1 month later."You know very clearly where you stand at this point in his "priorities" and how much he "values" your input. This is how your marriage will be unless you force change to take place, forcing someone to change can be painful and is a losing proposition.Don't marry someone who treats you like this, marriage is hard enough as it is.
A
male
reader, adamskidude +, writes (25 March 2011):
 Possibly, he just assumed you'd be behind anything he decided because you're officially his future wife.Still, it was hurtful of him not to consult you first but he might seriously miss his daughter and feel that its very important that he's there for her growing up.If you COULD move there to be with him, would you? And if you are having serious doubts, you're still young, you could still find Mr Right :)
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A
female
reader, MamaBear  +, writes (25 March 2011):
Sorry about this problem in your life, but this guy is not the only fish in the ocean! My suggestion is to stay with your job, in the city where you are, and move on. Or, you can relocate. But, remember he moved to be near his child. You cannot blame the guy for that decision. I admire the guy for wanting to be a part of his child's life as they grow up so quickly However, he was somewhat "ballless" to not talk this over with you. Seeing your anger with him for making this decision w/o consulting you, I can see where he would be hesitant to tell you. He may have problems dealing with anger. Whatever you decide, you are old enough to make your decisions about your life and to move on - alone. If you had joined him, your relationship would not be the same. You would now be dealing with his child, his ex and a new town and the surroundings. Think this over carefully and let your anger subside.
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