A
female
age
36-40,
*rganique
writes:I've been with my FI for 4 years, newly engaged about a month ago. Living separately with our families for now, until I finish school next month.My FI is usually very sensitive and never did anything in the past to intentially hurt my feelings.We were supposed to meet yesterday night (as it is the only night out of the week that we can actually dedicate an evening to each other). FI's friend came into town for the weekend, and so FI sent me a text yesterday, saying that he's going to go out with his friend. I texted him back, saying, "Sounds good baby, I'll go out with the girls tonight. Have a good time and don't drink and drive". I want to put an accent on the fact that in no way, shape, or form did I feel upset that he chose to go out with his friend - he doesn't see him that often and I wanted to give him this opportunity! I went out with my girls and had a great time.Every time that I went out with my girls in the past, he always calls me at night to make sure I got home safely. Always. Every single time. It isn't a way for him to "check up" on me, or control me in any way, just a way to make sure I get home in my piece. I always appreciated that. Whenever he's out with his friends I VERY rarely call him. I never want to be that girl who calls her boyfriend when he's out with his buddies.Yesterday, however, he didn't call. I didn't think much of it, thinking he probably is out having a good time with his friend and just forgot.Today, I called him in the evening to wish him goodnight and to wish him a good week ahead. He asked me how my night with the girls was. I gushed about something funny that happened at dinner, and then jokingly told him I was surprised he didn't call me, since he always does. I didn't expect to hear what he said next.He said (word for word) that he didn't call me on purpose, to see how I would react, and to hurt my feelings like I did his. I was so confused by that, and I asked what did I ever do to hurt your feelings?Apparently, it had to do with something that happened last weekend. And it's COMPLETELY stupid, I almost laughed out loud when he told me! Almost...mostly I got angry.Last weekend one of my girlfriends called me up with a relationship crisis and asked me to come over for the night to keep her company - she was a mess. So, I called my FI and told him that I was unable to meet with him that evening because my friend really needed me. He said, no problem, he was just going to stay home and turn in early. I told him to have a good night and sweet dreams. This was approx 8 pm. I didn't plan on calling him again, a) because I had to take care of my broken friend, and b) because I already wished him goodnight. Well, apparently he expected me to call him again, later on that night, to wish him a good night... AGAIN!So, fast forward to today's situation. In no way did I want to argue with him or dramatize on the fact that my he didn't call to wish me goodnight. I just didn't expect that he did it on PURPOSE to hurt my feelings, and to get back at me, and to make me feel like he felt last weekend when I didn't call him....I'm so confused! I thought we were growing, and moving forward in our relationship! If he felt hurt that I didn't call him last weekend, why would he bottle it in, and then plan a vendetta against me to get back at me? That feels so cruel, and immature! He could easily have said, "Listen, I know your friend was having a rough time, but it would've been really nice if you called me later to wish me goodnight". Why become upset at something, not explain it, and then get back at me to purposelly hurt my feelings? I honestly seems so childish, and immature to me!To be honest, my feelings WEREN'T hurt because he didn't call me. But they ARE hurt now that I find out he did this intentially.I wrote to him that if he feels hurt about something, he should bring it up with me and tell me upfront, not bottle it in and take it out on me in a way of revenge. He wrote me back (word for word): "I just wanted you to see how I felt, and nothing can beat a personal experience"... WTF? How old are we, really?He's never done anything like this before. Could it be the fact that we are newly engaged, and that he feels some sort of "upper hand" now? Does he feel that now he can push my buttons to see how far he can take it? I'm sorry mister, just because you proposed, doesn't give you the right to hurt my feelings on purpose, or to test me to see how I would react. Engagement is about moving forward, not about moving back and acting like we're in grade school...What do you make of this...? I don't even know what to say to him right now...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 I agree with Chigirl. He handled this badly, like a child and you are being mature about it...
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 March 2013):
 wow. so basically, you hurt his feelings unintentionally, so he turned around and INTENTIONALLY tried to hurt yours. nice.honestly, i would be surprised if he even had his friend in town to go out with. he may have even made that up completely just for the sake of making the situations similar.you are 100% correct and looking at this in a mature way. if you did something that upset him (which, in my opinion, you didn't in this circumstance), he needs to be adult enough to tell you how it made him feel. why couldn't he just communicate to you that he wished you had called him that night? that way you could talk about it and you'd know next time to handle it differently or at least be aware it bothered him.but honestly, i think you've got a bit of a deeper issue here than just what is on the surface. it doesn't sound like it's the phone call that bothered him so much. it sounds more like a trust issue. sounds to me like he questioned if you were really going where you said you were going. and when you didn't call, he got even more uncomfortable. i think he's got trust issues with you. that's why this time, he planned a last minute hang out with a friend (to try to make you insecure like you apparently made him feel) and intentionally didn't call (he probably sat at home and watched tv and went to bed early). he expected it to make you insecure and paranoid like it made him feel. but since you're secure with him and you trust him - as you should - it didn't make you feel that way at all. you basically said okay baby, have fun and be safe. it backfired in his face. i'm sure it shocked him that you didn't freak out the way that he freaked out. in fact, you did the opposite. you went out and had a great time. why? because you are secure in your relationship.i can see why this upsets you and stresses you greatly. it's a big deal. it shows his lack of ability in expressing himself and it shows his lack of trust and faith in you. i would definitely hold my ground on this issue and let him know that if he thinks it's okay to try to retaliate and get even rather than talk, then you two have some serious problems. let him know that if he ever tries to do this again, there will be a much larger problem. but i think he certainly owes you an apology. his behavior was very much out of line and he needs to realize that if he's adult enough to want to marry you, he needs to be adult enough to talk to you and trust you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2013):
 I would sit him down FACE to FACE and talk about this. Set up ground rules for when it's OK not to call and when EACH of you ought to call.
And then I would tell him this tit for tat needs to stop right here, right now.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 "I thought we were growing, and moving forward in our relationship! If he felt hurt that I didn't call him last weekend, why would he bottle it in, and then plan a vendetta against me to get back at me? That feels so cruel, and immature!"
You're completely right.
"He's never done anything like this before. Could it be the fact that we are newly engaged, and that he feels some sort of "upper hand" now?"
Who knows. Maybe. You tried to sort it out like adults, yet he again snapped back with this immature BS. So, there's no talking to him, he's decided to be a brat.
I'm sorry that things turned out this way, but there's no covering this up. He has told you, directly, and you've quoted, that he intentionally wanted to hurt you. He told you twice.
Maybe you can try to ask him, maybe tomorrow or in a few days time, why he starts to act like this now, when he's never done such things in the past 4 years? Before you were able to sort things out like adults, why is it that he now reacts in such a manner? Avoid sinking to his level, don't call him childish or immature or anything. Just try to get through to him and get a proper answer. If it's out of character then maybe something happened, and that he can work through it.
But.. maybe this is who he is after all. And maybe he was good at hiding it for 4 years. I had a boyfriend once who also bottled up, and I didn't find out things until we broke up. We were just together a year and a half, but he hid things for over a year... Big things! Such as, when I told him I wanted to move to another city temporarily he said what a great idea and he wanted to join me.. Then right before we broke up he confessed he never wanted to go to another city and only said that to please me.
So, yes, some people really DO bottle up for years!
Wait and see what happens and if he comes back to his usual self, or if this continues. If this continues then rethink the engagement... You can't start a marriage with a 12-year old who's idea of a relationship is tit for tat, bottling up and keeping scores. After all, this appears to be a part of his personality.. It just remains to see if it's a phase, or something he usually keeps in check (and only comes out under extreme pressure, stress, dramatic circumstances), or if it's permanent and he's just been hiding it well from you, but now revealing...
I think, unless someone close to him just died, causing stress, pressure, emotional outbursts.. Then there's really no excuse.
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A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Take a deep breathe & relaxxx....it happens sometimes....May be because you are engaged,he wants you to be more committing and thats not possible because you are committed in your own way.
Be calm,have a talk about what he really wants from him after marriage.Check if he wants to change you and tally how much change you can afford.If it doesn't match,discuss whats next and decide whether to move on or make some adjustments.I am talking about adjustments because you are in the verge of marriage and 4 years relationship is worthy to make some changes in yourself and in him.This is what I think basically.
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