A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I have a problem and would like some advice.I am a mum of 2 and have been with my partner for 15 years during this time I have also had a male friend who I met through my sister. Even though we are the same age I have always thought of him as a younger mate and nothing more. Recently he has been going through a break up and started to come round to visit me noticeably more and as I wanted to try help I have been offering him advice (I’m a counsellor). But recently I feel my friend might have been trying to blur the boundaries and my partner as over heard him and we have argued about this. Let me give you some examples:He only comes to visit me and not my partner he also doesn’t make any effort to talk to him.I’ve recently lost a lot of weight and he has made comments about I’m looking good doesn’t my partner tell me (he does every day!) If I bent over he will make remarks like do it again. He as shown me pornographic pictures (he often posts things like this on Facebook so being in his nature I didn’t think too much of it)His not a cuddly person and recently has been going in for a fall body hug.Tells me things like he's currently sleeping with his ex-girlfriends who have boyfriends.What are you honest opinions? I feel if I bring this up he's just going to say he's joking and I feel like an idiot but it is beginning to make me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want this is to cause problems between me and my partner. What would you guys do in my situation?Many thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): I'm the OP,thank you for your answers since I posted my partner as now said he doesn't want him coming over any more,not wanting confrontation would it be best to tell him straight or just ignore him? Because his a friend of the group I will most probably see him out now and again hence I would hate awkwardness but I have to respect my partners wishes. Many thanks.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 He's not joking and he's gunning for you. I'd cut off the friendship if he can't be appropriate. In order to test his ability to be appropriate you say to him before the next visit (either while in the phone with your partner there or in an email with your partner cc'd on it)
"friend, I'm sorry but lately you have been overstepping my comfort level boundaries and if we can't get back to a place where i"m comfortable we will have to end our friendship which I hate to do"
KEEP YOUR PARTNER 100% in the loop here. Make sure your friend knows that your partner and you are a united front.
do not let him hug you... when he goes to hug you just hold him at arm's length and say "sorry no hugs today for you" and smile...
as for saying "do it again" when you bend over you look at him and smile and say "only for my man and YOUR NOT HIM"
when he shows you inappropriate pictures say "ewww, that's not nice and refuse to look at it"
when he comes to your home make sure your partner is there and say "friend, why don't you and boyfriend sit and talk while I get us some beverages" then put them in the room together.
he'll get the message. IF he does not then you have no choice but to end the friendship.
PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 March 2013):
 if i were you, i'd just place some serious distance between you and this guy. he doesn't have to know the reasons why.next time he wants to come over, tell him you have dinner plans, or some other prior arrangement. and keep this up for some period of time.if he texts, just don't text back. or when you do, just be very vague and short. eventually he'll stop trying.there's no way to know for sure what his intentions are but it certainly does sound like he's on the rebound and coming on to you. and he's clearly shown that he doesn't care if the person is in a relationship or not. so it's best to cut this guy off before it really starts to cause problems between you and your boyfriend.hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 I agree with Honeypie. You need to tell him that his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable and to stop it.He's feeling vulnerable and reaching out for any scraps of womanly affection. He just needs to reach out to single women. Perhaps you can introduce him to some of your single, female friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2013):
 If he is a good friend (mate as you call it) I would tell him to knock it off. He might not be aware of how it makes you feel and will probably deny "hitting" on you as well. But if he makes you uncomfortable - TELL him.
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