A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance can not stop bringing up my past lovers and Its ruining our sex life, as well as our relationship. I am 27 years old and have been with 38 men, and I'll admit, thats a lot. I have much regret for my bad choices in lovers, and wish I could offer an explanation, some excuse, for my bad girl behavior, but I can't. I know it sounds silly, and some what pathetic, but when your working as a bartender, single, and grew up watching sex and the city, Your views of what a 'normal' relationship is like are somewhat askewed. The man I am engaged to, is the same man I gave my virginity to, when i was 15. He is my first love. He is smart, strong, witty, fun, and every thing I could ever ask for in a lover, or a partner. Our biggest mistake is the ten year gap in which our relationship wilted. Our relationship the first time around screeched to a halt when he decided another girls' company was better than mine, and after a heartbreaking year of dating him, on and off, our teenage selves called it quits. That is my first love. This is the relationship I base all others on, right? We didn't talk for a while, and I hated him. My 16 year old self was broken, but I am a tough girl, and tough girls, don't cry. Instead of crying, I devalued myself. I turned sex into something disposable, Yet still I remained Hopeful for any form of happily ever after. I spent all of our years apart chasing after something of substance, yet wound up empty handed, and believe me, It's hard to get a grip, when there's nothing to hold. Our paths cross 8 years later, and we instantly are back into the can't-survive-without-you-texting-178 times a day-you-are-my-exsistenece-kinda-love. I have been with him now, again, for the last two years. I love him. He is my first love, for fucks' sake. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I wear his ring on my finger every day. I have been faithful this entire time, but unfortunately he has not been. My promiscuous past has always been a battle ground. I slept with his best friend at one point. We weren't together, and they hadn't been talking, but It still happened. He brings this up often. I regret it deeply. Yet, aside from that, The burning gagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that is regret, I can't do much to sooth the burn to My lover- My fiance- My first love. The entire time I was off chasing unicorns he was with one woman, and an awfully mean bitchy woman, but the SAME woman, None the less. How could I ever measure up to that virginal mirage that is a 10-year girlfriend? Talk about loyalty... 10 years... They have a Child together, Something he loves more than life, and its with her....Not me... He does not have a child with me.... Yet, here I am, terrified by the thought that all of my meaningless and forgotten lovers are going to be the breach in our soul mate contract, and a tsunami of things-i-wish-i-hadn't-done-becomes dinner-table talk- and here I am, quietly wondering if what I'm doing is right, or if it's even worth it. My heart hurts on the daily. He says he thinks about all the men in between, thats why his touch is rough. He imagines these scenarios in which I am the biggest hoe-bag around, He thinks I'm lying about my penis size experience , and clearly I must be lying when I say he is the biggest, best, most glorious, most passionate, because I have had so much sexual experience... But I'm not lying.... Yet I cant prove it. We fight on the daily about this, but we do it quietly. I try to tip toe around triggers, anything to recall, anything, that I might have been. I'd like to think that he with holds how pretty he thought his baby mama was when she gave birth, to himself... BUT, We try to talk as much as possible about all of this... His choice, not mine. It usually leaves me feeling down in the dumps about my bad choices, and him feeling all kinds of rejected love. I don't know how to deal with this retroactive jealousy. I am sorry for the person I was, but I am happy with the person I am. My question is, How can I show my boyfriend that He is the only man for me? All of those men prior meant nothing and they wouldn't cross my mind at all, but he brings them up. He brings them up, and makes me talk about all these terrible things I have been trying to forget, all these broken hearted stupid girl whoops a daisy I should've known better, and at the end of the day, I don't want to be touched. I start thinking of all the men that used me, and how worn out- tossed off- beatin down- and truly awful I was, and it makes me not want to be touched.Then I wonder if my sex drive is just off. I feel as if it has to be something wrong with me. I want to help him get over this and experience life with him, as his mate. I want all my mishaps to be forgiven and I want both of our souls to heal together, BUT, Is that even possible? Are the sins of my past ultimately going to be the end of my future relationships?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): 38 is alot of partners for such a young girl. It can be very hard for guys to not feel like they are competing with everyone before them and the more guys you've slept with the harder its going to be for him to feel like he's " the biggest, the best, and the most glorious "
Whatever you do ... don't lie! ! It will come out eventually and will hurt much more than if you had just been honest . Besides I'm sure the truth is probably far less hurtfull than what he can make up in his head.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Its called consequences of your actions, what we do now will affect us later, physicaly or emotionaly. Now you may have changed but ul live with the consequences, even if you guys work it out the past will always be there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): As someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation, in my opinion, the person below who has been married 19 years has given you the best adviceI don't know why, but the "in between" sexual experiences of my gf that occured during a five years stretch we were apart bother me much more than sexual experiences that occurred before we met. (or prior sexual experiences of prior gfs)(no, I'm not a huge hypocrite, I didn't have sex with anyone else during that stretchI'm not sure how long this has been going on for you, but I tend to think these things resolve themselves to some extent over a period of time. Thinking about it will get old for him. But, only you can decide if it's worth it to hang in there and keep working on it. You cannot solve this problem, and he will ultimately have to deal with it. However, if possible, you will need to learn to turn off your listening skills and develop internal boundries to deflect the insults so you don't get hurt more than necessary. Imagine putting on an armor suit that causes his statements to bounce offAlso, I'd suggest letting him know that you are not going to discuss it any more and simply hang up on him or walk away if he brings it up. Let him know (without getting angry) that you are simply not willing to discuss it any more. Don't get sucked into an argument and stick to this consistently. Also, if you do feel compelled to answer him, give him the same truthful but brief answers every timeI wish I had a better answer for you, but this isn't an easy situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Your man is feeling a very common and understandable set of emotions. But he is dealing with these feelings in totally objectionable unfair ways.
Discussing the past: You don't have the right to lie to a partner but you have the right to refuse to talk about it.
If you don't want to discuss your past then just tell a man that you will not discuss it. If he doesn't want to be involved with a woman who has a colorful past then he can assume the worst and break up with you based on your silence. If he accepts your silence then whatever else might eventually come out in the future is totally his problem to deal with from then on. This way you already gave him the chance to avoid the situation at the beginning and he decided to stay in it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): My wife of nearly 20 years was rejected by her parents at a young age. Her "first" partner told her after he had sex with her (his first time as well as hers) that it was "nothing special anymore" and dumped her.She went on a rampage that lasted a long time, alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it, she's had 5-6 times if not more sexual partners than others.Then, she met me. I was a bit different.All those years, she felt worthless and like she was trash, but she could see that I didn't think that way about her.Yet, she thought that if I knew the truth about all those years she would be dumped like a hot potato for some "virginal" woman or something like that.I've had three sexual partners, including her.But who do I love? I love her, nobody else upon this earth. I married her, I have children with her, I have a house and a home. I think about her every day, most of the day. When things got bad, when the past began to destroy what we had because she couldn't deal with it (her past), I went to counseling to be with her. That's what it takes. Her past didn't matter to me, she is and was the most important thing on this earth, but her past makes her feel awful.So, we go to counseling.Why? Because I want to make this work. If your bf really wants you, then he has to get over your past, his past, and you do as well. From the sounds of it, what you write, neither of you are.Get professional help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011):
Well, dear, I suffer from retroactive jealousy myself. However, this man has a child with another woman and not with you. If he doesn't get how that might make you jealous then he just isn't being fair. Your experiences were bad ones you are ashamed of. His was a good one which resulted in a child he loves with a woman who will now be in his life forever. Ask him which one most people would be more jealous of.
However, there is one important detail you glossed over:
"I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I wear his ring on my finger every day. I have been faithful this entire time, but unfortunately he has not been."
Please explain this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): I hate to put it this way but this man will never marry you. He plans on staying unfaithful, exploiting your poor self esteem, and then turning the tables on you like you are the cause for him being a cheating jerk. Men put women in one of two categories and he's slotted you in the less desirable one years ago and it's impossible to reverse that. Eventually he will find someone he deems worthy of commitment and leave you for her again. This isn't a soul mate or true love scenario. It's just a guy taking advantage of how much you are willing to do for him and you're wrong to think it will pay off in the end. He already has his excuse for leaving you eventually. He asks about your past sexual history in detail because he gets off on you beating yourself up, not because it breaks his heart or helps the relationship. You are going to waste your best years with a man who never ever intends to stay with you. Sorry.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): The problem is called retroactive jealousy.
Search the site. It has been covered a million times in different forms.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): My wife of 19 years would tell a very similar tale to yours, except that we did not meet until she was 23. By that time, she had slept with 37 guys. Most were one night stands. Many times she was used. She slept with every sort of guy, in all sorts of places. She slept w guys within an hour of meeting them. Some of this she enjoyed, some she regrets. I could go on, but what's the point?I tend to be a bit, or a lot, more conservative in this area. I had slept with less than 10 girls, and had refused to participate in some of the more raunchy things in which I was invited to partake, because I thought it wrong to do so.Shortly after we fell utterly head over heels in love, she felt the need to unburden herself of all these experiences, and tell me about them in detail. I silently listened. Wholly unaware of the deep wound and turmoil it was brewing inside me. Then it overtook my life. How could this girl I worshiped been tossed around like disposable trash by so many disgusting guys? I couldn't help but think of her as a pig. I have been at parties where guys pull a train on a girl, I have seen it numerous times. I have heard the things my more arrogant friends at the time would say about the drunk ho they F in the bathroom, that they can't even remember her name, that they got her to do this or that demeaning thing i did not repect the guys for doing these things, or speaking this way i thought of them as pigs too. Ultimately, It hurt beyond words to realize that the girl I worshipped, for whom I was willing to forego all others, was that girl. The girl who allowed herself to be completely devalued, treated as the butt of jokes, as little more than a receptical for other men's ejaculate...So, enuf of all the badWe got over all this. We have been married for almost two decades. I see how jealous people are of our bond, which is alive with fun and passion and deep respect for one another after all this time. She is the best thing that ever happened to meHow did we get here? How did we get through it all? Well, it certainly was NOT be following the sentiments expressed by the well intentioned folks below (e.g. The past doesn't matter, he is a child, etc.). Here is my advice:1. Try to empathize with how this hurts him. How this makes him feel. Try to tell yourself to help him through it. Do not devalue his hurt as being immature, childish, petty, or a sign of his weakness. His hurt is subjective, like all emotional trauma, but it is very real. If you chose to delegitimize his feelings, or react in anger, he will resent you all the more.2. Softly, but firmly, demand that when you discuss these issues, he always speaks to you with respect. Do not allow yourself to be devalued now. Make it clear by your actions that although when as a young girl you may have made mistakes, you are a woman now, and will not tolerate disrespect. But please, do this subtly, with gentle yet firm persistence. 3. Be honest about how this felt to you. My wife told me that she often felt horrible, sometimes exhilarated, but now she regrets what she did as she had no idea how much it would hurt me at the time (she didn't even know me). She does however tell me that in one way she is glad for all the experiences, because she has absolutely no doubt that I am the only person for her. She has no curiosity, no need for other attention. These experiences got her to a point where she was ready to give herself to mee completely. Otherwise, by nature, she would have been curious or needy of attention - like so many of the mid-40's married women we now know. I believe her4. Above all, be PATIENT. It will take time for him to work through his feelings, but true love will win out in then end!Good luck. I wish you both all the happiness we have found!
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (25 May 2011):
Whoa! HE is giving you a hard time about your past sexual experiences and he is the one who has cheated on you WHILE you were together ?!? Sounds like he is the one who should have guilt.
I would no longer discuss your past with him. Tell him you are done rehashing it. What's done is done and next time he brings it up remind him there is nothing left to discuss and does he want you to make him feel like a whore for cheating on you??
He's twisting everything around to keep you down and alleviate his own guilt.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (25 May 2011):
I don't think "How can I show my boyfriend that He is the only man for me?" is the problem.. the problem is your past and nothing is going to change that. I seriously wonder if you guys are going to work out, at least happily ever after. I think the best thing to do is not to allow him to discuss your past, as it's only going to make things worse. He basically need to come to terms with it, and not take out his emotions on you. Maybe he needs some professional help in understanding everything? You need some rules though. He must see that discussing it, only makes it worse. Maybe he should come on this website and read the hundreds of questions that are written from guys that have the same problem?I do think if this relationship doesn't work out, I wouldn't bring up how many partners you've been with someone else, or at least not allow a partner to make you go through it all, because it's only going to be seen as a bad thing. You can dress it up as "the past" but for many guys, it doesn't work that way.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Hi
are you kidding? It dont matter how many men you slept with whilst you weren't together, thats your life, and we all have our reasons, wether it was lonely, or just wanting some fun, men do it all the time, so why should women be made to feel like whorebags just because we want some fun too? you shouldn't have to proove your love to him, if he cant see it then move on. Dont allow him to make you feel this way. I totally understand he is the air that you breath, but that air is getting stale, so unless he wakes up ands sees you love him, your air will be cut short.
If you really must proove yourself to him, tell him that all the years you have spent with him should tell him how much you love him, and if he cant see it then whats the point of being together any more. see what he says. you will find out then just how much he cares OR not.
xx
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 The only real way for him to over come this is to see a psychologist/therapist.
These kinds of things are not just soothed by quiet words. He needs to stop bringing it up. He needs to realise that when he does bring it up, it makes you feel crappy, but for something that you can't change.
But really... it's the only way he'll get over it. The professionals he speaks to will be able to help him unlock the strength inside of him to let go of the past and focus on the now, and the future. This relationship won't go anywhere if its stuck in the past.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (25 May 2011):
 they aren't going to afefct future relationships but they certainly are affecting your current boyfriend and he certainly takes some kind of satisfaction from putting you down all the time. he is insecure, originally dumped YOU went with someone else and is now jealous that you had fun when he wasn't there. talk about possesive. how dare someone else play with my toy, let alone 38 others... mine, mine mine!
adult can accept that they have no control over someone who they are not in a relationship with. you also mentioned ( i think) that he has been unfaithfull since you got together this time round.
in all honesty i think he made a mess of your head the first time round and thats whats happeneing now again. "the can't-survive-without-you-texting-178 times a day-you-are-my-exsistenece-kinda-love" sounds a little over intense and not really proof of real love for a person, more just possessively invading their mental space all day long.
he is jealous for a reason (i'm guessing) find out what it is. also you dont deserve to be bullied for your past by a man who hasn't treated you all that well.
i'm guessing that you wont really take this on board as you are in thrall to him but sometimes you have to look inside yourself an realise you are better than the shit that other people wanna lay on you to bring you down. when you do, find somebody worthy of you.
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