A
female
age
30-35,
*cythe
writes:Hi guys!This is a social-relationship question, and I appreciate all comments and suggestions :)Last night I joined my boyfriend and a few of his work colleagues at a bar in the city for "Friday night drinks". I wish I stayed at home! It's been a while since I've been out with my boyfriends colleagues, and I forgot how much I hate it.I don't know his colleagues better than acquaintances, and they all know each other quite well. I felt so out-of-place, awkward, ignored etc. To sum it up I felt like a party pooper and a social retard (I know I shouldn't misuse this word but it just 'fits' how I felt). I was so happy when we left, but for the rest of the night I just felt like crying as I don't know what I'm doing wrong. They were all drinking (I was not, as I drove) and having a great time chatting away and I just didn't know what to say or how to join in. I did try and make an effort in the beginning - smiling and laugh along, but a lot of their jokes seemed private/had-to-be-there kinda things which made it harder to participate. I ended up standing around quietly till we left.Over the last hour I've been googling "social anxiety" and "shyness". While these terms kinda explain how I felt, I'm not typically 100% shy. Sure, I am on the quiet side when meeting new people but I can be quite boisterous, bubbly and a lot more happy and chirpy in most social situations. I guess it's mainly in situations where I am "JOHN's GIRLFRIEND".. his friends/colleagues don't seem to value me as my own person, which makes it harder for me to make friends and participate.I told "John" I won't be joining him at his work drinks/work events anymore because I felt like a complete loser. The thing that's bugging me is that I know I'm not like that in other social situations (ie: my work mates, friends).(Note - this isn't an issue with my boyfriend ignoring me at all, he is lovely).Any comments or suggestions, guys? I feel like I need reassurance I'm normal. I'd love suggestions on how to change, and any similar stories you have to share.Thanks for listening,Scythexx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Oh hun, thats awful !. I know how it feels to be left out , and it's not fair !. If i was out with a group of people, whether i was drinking or not, which i very rarely do, i would make sure that everyone in the group is involved in the conversation, and if anyone said anything that someone didnt understand, i would explain it to them.You seem like a really nice lady, and i'm sure you would also want to make everyone feel involved when you are out in a group too. Men who drink too much and swear a lot, and who are arrogant, and brash women, in particular, really get on my nerves !. Ever since my school days ( i'm 26 now ) I have always hated bullies and people who just leave other people out in general . I dont blame you for not wanting to go anymore. Why should you go somewhere that makes you feel uncomfortable ?. Unfortunately, not everyone necessarily clicks when they are out in a social group, and it can be hard to find things to talk about when you only know people as aquaintances. There's nothing wrong with you at all. I actually think it was very rude of them not to include you in the conversation. From now on, i think you should just stick to having days or nights out with your genuine friends, and just you and your boyfriend alone. Good luck and all the best to you !.
A
female
reader, mum45  +, writes (5 June 2010):
I think we would all feel the same in the situtation you described , it could be they picked up on your feelings and made you feel worse. Could your bf appeal to then to be more friendly to you , may bring along their gf s so you could make friends with them , good luck
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (5 June 2010):
 its simple- these people mean nothing to you and you mean nothing to them. you are merely a plus one, and that is how the situation makes you feel. also if people are drinking and you are not, it can be boring and alientating. if you dont enjoy this situation then dont put yourself in it again as a repeat is inevitable. also i'm sure you boyfriend isn't as close to these work colleages as his genuine close friends. in my experience its rare for work drinking do's to be as satisfying as ones with my real close friends. because ultimately your relationship with your colleages is that you are PAID to be in their company-with real friends the time spent together is of more quality
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (5 June 2010):
scythe is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for sharing, marieclaire.
I think its even worse when it comes to the girls! There was only one chick there last night - a vivacious receptionist. I didn't mention her as she was a separate issue altogether. But I guess her antics were due to alcohol. I won't get started as I'm succeeding in keeping jealously/territorialness in check :P
Has it become any easier for you with your boyfriend's friends, as they get used to having you around?
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (5 June 2010):
scythe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your comments, Dr. Psych and Myrrh :)
I'm intrigued about the suggestion to keep going along in the hopes that they will get used to me, but on the other hand, the reality is more like:
"drinking buddies who resent (rather immaturely) invasion of their night out by others (esp. partners)."
In hindsight, John said "you're invited too by the way" and "i think you should come join us" when really the event was organised by another person who probably didn't invite me, or was only being polite in extending the invitation.
I'm feeling so much better about this now.. I really needed to get it of my chest and talk about it :)
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 June 2010):
 I don't think you suffer social anxiety - that is a general response to all social situations (a pretty extreme avoidance-at-all-costs response too). I think you have hurt feelings because the colleagues did not make you feel very welcome. I think you are responding to the fact that they were rude to you - any normal person might react the same way. The chances are your boyfriend has a little workplace group of drinking buddies who resent (rather immaturely) invasion of their night out by others (esp. partners). I don't think you are a loser - if they treated you badly, then they have 'lost' out on getting to know you. Life is too short to dwell on this - let your boyfriend socialise with them when he likes but make your own plans for a night out with your friends too. It is good to have independent groups of friends and interests in a relationship so not getting on with his work mates doesn't have to be a bad thing!
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (5 June 2010):
scythe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick reply, C. Grant :)
You really hit the spot by saying "In a group of decent adults most of us can cope if someone meets us part-way."
I think it would have been quite a different evening if someone made an effort to talk to me. I guess that's why I don't feel awkward in other situations - people are nice enough to make an effort.
"John" was sad and didn't understand why I don't want to do it again. I'll just have to explain it to him in these rational terms.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Your feelings are perfectly understandable. All of us hate feeling like a 'third wheel'. In a group of decent adults most of us can cope if someone meets us part-way. If no one does, I think it's less "social anxiety" than simply having been treated rudely.
It's regrettable that none of his colleagues made an effort to make you feel included, which speaks of a certain lack of maturity (and social grace) on their part. Nevertheless, they've shown their colours. You know what to expect of them, you don't care for it, and there's no reason on earth that you need to expose yourself to more of it.
Tell your b/f to take a taxi next time, as you're not interested in being his designated driver for more of these events.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Im sorry but Johns work mates sound complete bores and lack the social graces. Had you been drinking you wouldnt have noticed it so much. They were just in their tight little watercooler circle. I wouldnt avoid the next invitation. Go but let John drive next time. The more they see of you the more they will register that you are actually a member of their group. Once they notice that, they wont exclude you so much. Honestly, you are fine. Just not used to bad manners x
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