A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I fell pregnant after a holiday fling last year when my group of friend met a few guys at the same hotel. I decided to have an abortion because I wasn't in anyway ready for a child. Plus I couldn't see the child's father being supportive at all because all it we had was a short term affair. We exchanged phone numbers and added each other on Facebook but we has no intention of meeting up again. When I found out I was pregnant, I told my friend who was also on holiday with me and she also believed that an abortion was the best option. I lived at home, worked part time and have a car loan to pay off so I have no extra cash and I was only 20.I don't know why but in January I happened to exchange a few texts with the guy and he mentioned that my friend had began talking to one of his friends and if I wanted to go with her when they all met up. When he kept asking why I didn't want to go, I ended up telling him what happened and that I didn't want to face him. He was so angry and threatened to tell everyone I was a heartless bitch. I managed to calm him down and explain to him how much I truly regret it and truth be told, I wish I had never done it. It plays on my mind constantly and know he wants to meet up to discuss it. I can't make my mind up what I want, and if talking to him would do any good when I know how mad he was at first.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (26 March 2014):
 This guy has no right at all to make you feel bad.
Given the circumstances I think you made a brave decision and the right one for you.
It wasn't an easy choice but it was your choice to make given the circumstances, not his.
I can't see how getting together with this guy and talking about it is going to help anyone. It won't change what has happened or make you feel better.
I know you chose to terminate the pregnancy and you had good reasons for doing so, despite that you may still grieve about the decision you had to make.
Be kind to yourself, you have done nothing wrong.
My thoughts are with you AB x
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 March 2014):
 It sounds likely that if you go to 'discuss' your choice, then its likely that he is going to be upset and will most likely make you feel worse.
You did what was RIGHT for you at the time, and no-one should make you feel bad about that. Its a really tough decision and a horrible thing to go through, but ultimately he was not in the picture and there are not many 20 year olds who are only working part time with debts and are single who could manage with a baby.
As someone else said, imagine now if you had the child - you'd be alone, struggling to ever meet a partner again because not many young men want to take on another man's child. You'd have probably had to quit your job as you wont be able to afford to put the child in childcare on a part time wage, so you'd be completely broke living off benefits. You have probably missed your car payments and would have debt collectors banging on your door. You'd struggle to ever get a job again because you'd need flexi-time or part time in order to be able to look after a child as a single parent (you wouldnt have a partner to take half the share of childcare).
I know its hard to deal with and you might regret it, but would it have been the right thing to bring a child into the world who wouldnt have had their dad in their life or a mum who could afford to give the child everything it needs? You knew at the time it wasnt right and if you think about giving a child the best possible life you were not (and probably are still not now) capable of doing so.
Dont let this silly immature boy make you feel bad about you making a grown up decision, he willingly had sex with you without using any protection, he took that risk when he had sex with you therefore he was a willing participant. You are not heartless or a bad person, you just made a choice that was right for you in absence of a responsible father for the child.
If you think it would be helpful for you personally to talk about it with him, then go for it - but I get the feeling he is not going to be supportive or understanding and he will probably make you feel worse.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 The key ingredient to your submittal is this phrase:
".. and threatened to tell everyone I was a heartless bitch."
What he's "told" you is that HE is not only heartless... but he's also irresponsible, self-centered, and cares not-a-hoot about YOU!!!!!
You are wise to miss your friend's trip to see another of his friends.... and to go on with your life remembering ONLY that this guy was responsible for a detail that you find stressful.... AND you can't wait for it to get sufficiently-far in your rear-view-mirror of life, such that the memory will no longer haunt you....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): You don't need him to punish you for a tough choice you had to make; which involves your body, and your own conscience.
You are under-going a tough emotional transition after this decision; and too much stress isn't healthy for you.
He has no clue what you're going through. He has the easiest part to handle in all of this. Remorse is a perfectly human and healthy response to this situation. You shouldn't be cold and unfeeling after such a procedure. Nor should you punish yourself for realizing you were not ready, or capable, of being a good mother at this stage in your life.
You've learned many profound lessons from this experience.
How could you depend on someone you met casually and know so little about?
Even if you consulted him; what guarantees would you have he would step up to the plate and contribute anything without taking legal steps to enforce it? Not to mention you are not emotionally, nor financially, prepared to be a mother.
That is a lifelong commitment. You'd have to deal with unforeseen child-custody issues that would make life even harder; if at some point he got a bug up his butt. He can't force you to be a mother; no more than you could have forced him to be a father. You don't even know if he could afford it anymore than you can.
No one took precautions to prevent pregnancy; so both share some pain and suffering for the lack of judgement and responsibility. You had no obligation to consult with him for his opinion. However; offering him the information after the fact; invited him to seek his own closure on the matter. Don't expect it not to have some emotional impact on him as well. So you brought this on yourself.
I recommend you keep your distance, until you are strong enough to deal with any further discussion regarding your choice. He knows the reasons. He wants a chance to scold and admonish you;based on his beliefs. He has no right taking judgement on you. Had he really cared; he would have worn a condom, and none of this ever would have happened.
Life can be difficult. There are always tough lessons to be learned; but it rewards us by making us smarter and stronger. We also have to deal with the consequences of our actions.
You must forgive yourself and accept the decision as what is right for you. It's not supposed to be easy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2014):
 Did you two have unprotected sex? If so how can he be mad AT ALL with the choice you made? He CHOSE to not bring a freaking condom and put it on. YOU chose to not bring a condom and TELL him to put it on.
You had a tough tough choice to make. I wish for NO ONE to ever be in that position of deciding for or against an abortion. No man (and this is in no ways to be offensesive to guys at all) but NO MAN can understand what it does to you body, mind and soul.
I hope you don't buy into YOU having to feel ashamed of your choice. I hope you don't buy into that he would have supported you 100% and you two would have lived happily ever after.
Regretting it, I GET that, but if you can be realistic right now, imagine you were a single mom. Living at home with a baby at 20, having a part time job, which you probably had to quit because of the baby. Do you think that would have been the right thing?
Stop beating yourself up. IT IS OK to have remorse. IT IS OK to know that you didn't make the choice lightly. YOU ALL BY YOURSELF had to make a choice that will affect you for the rest of your life. Having an abortion doesn't make you heartless bitch. EVER.
What is there to discuss? IT IS YOUR body. IT WAS YOUR choice.
His choice was to have sex with you and add you on Facebook. That doesn't exactly show a STELLAR guy does it?
HIS choice when you told him was to get MAD and angry at you.
I would NOT met up and discuss this, because nothing he can say or do will make YOU feel better about this. What can he say that will fix this? Unless you feel taking to him can help you BOTH, if you do then met up. To me though he seems FAR to judgmental to care about what you HAD to go through.
I suggest you find a counselor that can help you really deal with what you went through.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/abortion_copingwith.htm
Read that site and scroll down to: WHERE CAN I GET HELP.
I had an abortion planned when I was in my 20's. I had a BF that turned out to a total douche-lord and when I found that DESPITE using the pill & condom, I found myself pregnant and when I went to talk to him, guess what his "no-so-ex" was there and she magically was pregnant too. I CHOSE to abort because there was too much drama and I had BEEN on BC to AVOID children, as I didn't WANT any. I ended up having a miscarriage a week before my appointment, but to this day nearly 20 years later I STILL feel bad for wanting to terminate. I still feel bad for the loss. I will always carry that around. Counseling DOES help. But it made me swear off men and sex for a good 2 years. Which might actually have been a good thing. I met my now husband (of almost 17 years) and we have 3 kids. KIDS I WANTED. KIDS HE WANTED.
Chin up.
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