A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is "male nature" setting us back again?No where in the animal kingdom do we see monogamy more prominent as we see it in human nature. Or is monogamy just something woman have come to believe as true? I, like most men, fell in love with a beautiful woman, made her my wife, and planned on spending the rest of my life with her. We met in a much different place(emotionally)and at the time we were crazy for one another. But after a few months I happen to have found some e-mail traffic with friends. Some with regrets, others maybe too friendly with her male friends. I, in turn, decided to make random friends in network websites and was sometimes making inapropriate comments on some of the girls there. Mindless flirting, you would say. But it will never go beyond that. Years later, I signed up for one of those dating sites. For no reason, but to see what could happen, or like many of us say, out of curiosity, and whether I've still got it. The wife was furious she made an account and tried to seduce me. Of course, she planned a meeting, but she never went through with it and confronted me before we could meet. This coming from 2 e-mails that she sent me. Believe me, I was too shy and not secure enough to meet this stranger who only knew about the stuff on my profile. We had a good fight, her trust for me went down the drain, but somehow we continued to stay put. Next it was me who found e-mails to apparently her one true love who made her happy when he pursued her 2 to 3 years before. I was upset that I couldn't make her happy. She had told one of our mutual friends that she wished sex with me didn't last all night and if only we could last less. After that, I think for everytime she turns me down in bed, I pull myself further and further away. I never cheated on her, but I started texting more coworkers and friends with some sexual inuendos. She found them every now and then, mostly ones that said things like, "you are perfect good night" and "I'll be dreaming of you." Sure those caught her attention and after 5 years has finally decided to separate, but can't divorce from me yet? I love her with all my heart and she has fallen out of love with me. I know we both could have talked much more, but now it seems this ship has sailed.. Is this one of those big differences between men and women? 5 years, two kids, later... why do this to ourselves. Most of all, why do it to our children?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): What a game you both played!!!
Lies, deceit and betrayal : if only you both communicated more openly.
You both took each other for granted.
Both are at fault here.
Is she with this other guy now? Is there no way of reconciling?
Games then regrets and bitterness.
And those poor kids. They suffer now bec their parents played games which has altered their path in life.
You made your mistakes. You have hopefully learnt your lesson.
Perhaps too late to make your marriage work but when the hurt has passed, when your heart has healed, you will cherish the next love.
Perhaps something good can come from all this.become a better dad. Treasure your kids.
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Yes, why did you do these things to yourselves, each other and your children? That's a big question, that probably no one on here can answer definitely.
People who behave the way you and your wife do while in committed relationships don't respect their partners. Your actions (texting, e-mails, etc.) were done out of spite because you found some personal e-mails written to your wife. She cheated on you because she didn't trust you or feel secure with you -- she was unfulfilled.
And instead of talking to each other, finding out what was wrong and getting help, you both kept the disrespect going.
I don't mean to lecture because I know everyone makes mistakes in relationships, but you and your wife are caught in a vicious cycle. If both of you truly want to make your marriage work and be happy in it, I highly suggest you seek professional marital counseling. You both have to be into it for it to work. If one of you doesn't want to do it, you can call it "the end" and move on.
Let it be a lesson to you for your future relationships. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Not true, many species mate for life. In your situation however, it seems to me like you both weren't quite ready for marriage. A classic case of 'two wrongs dont make a right.' You should have confronted her when you found the emails and told her that it made you feel uncomfortable instead of mindless flirting with your coworkers or even joining a dating website. What were you thinking with that one!? If you would have communicated with her your concerns it probably wouldn't have escalated to this. Now, your not the only one to blame as if she was still in love with her ex, she should never have taken this relationship so far. Maybe ask her why she chose to be with someone she wasn't happy with? Ask yourself if you truly want to work on your marriage, and not for the kids sake. Marriage is meant to be taken seriously, not a she said he did kinda thing. I hope you figure things out and make the best decision for you and her. Try communication!!
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (31 January 2011):
"male nature" bah!
Human nature!
We do these things to ourselves for a huge variety of reasons. We don't want to rock the boat. We don't want the kids to know. We don't want the kids to have to live through a divorce. We don't want the financial damage and insecurity that comes with divorce. We want the other, the new, exciting, and strange. We get bored with the same partner. Our partner has changed, we've changed, the list goes on, and on, and on.
Truth of the matter is, you've both done tings that undermined the trust of the other. This is a surefire way to kill a relationship. Relationships are based on trust.
Monogamy is not a natural state of being for the human animal. That doesn't mean we cannot achive it, that just means that it takes work to do so. Is it worth that work and effort? Are the rewards commesurate with the price? I think so. However, the truth is, we have to WORK to remain monogamous, it isn't a natural inclination.
That is where the difference in the sexes comes in. Society teaches men that they are not monogamous. We are given preparative teaching, socially and psychologically, for the fact that we will want to wander, and that we will need to learn to control those desires.
Women, on the other hand, are taught the opposite. They are taught that they will not want to wander. This is drilled into them on so many levels, from such an early age, that it is conspicuous in its emphasis.
The reason for this emphasis is that it isn't true.
This results today is women who feel the urge to wander, and are both completely unprepared to control that urge, because they always assumed they wouldn't have it, and at the same time are consumed with guilt and confusion. They feel like they must be somehow defective, or have something wrong with them, because this isn't what they were taught was normal. They also feel like they must be with the wrong guy, because they were conditioned from before they could walk with teachings that said once they were with their one true love, they wouldn't want anyone else. This can be the cause of an incredible breakdown of a woman's psyche that is at once fascinating and horrifying to behold.
This very often happens around four or eight years after marriage, which are biologically and psychologically the most dangerous times, when both partners eyes will start to wander. It also often happens when a woman enters her early thirties, as her hormonal system begins changing rapidly around then. This can be thought of as a second puberty, and is the beginning of her sexual peak, when she will be biologically driven to seek much more sex with multiple partners. It's her body's way of ensuring she has as much chance of passing on her genetic code as possible.
When you combine the four / eight year itch with the hormonal changes a woman experiences starting around age 30, and put those biological and psychological impulses in the context of the societal conditioning and psychological programming that modern society engages in to control her sexuality (literally before she can talk or walk she is reciving huge amounts of input designed specifically to control her lifelong sexual choices) which is based on a series of fallacies as delicate as a house of cards, you can begin to see the incredible fall coming.
These problems you are referring to have nothing whatever to do with "male nature" any more than they do with "female nature". They are a product of HUMAN NATURE.
That ship has sailed. The marriage is over. The reasons she's on her way out, and very well may become quite vindictive about it are rooted in her sense of self and identity. You have about as much hope of understanding these problems as I did. You need to go through it BEFORE you can understand it.
The best I can offer you is a link. I don't work for this publisher or author or anything. However, her book damn well saved my life. The title is not entirely accurate, as while her focus is initially on cheating, the topic matter is far more in depth and comprehensive than the title leads on.
http://www.womensinfidelity.com/
Like I said. I have no affiliation to this author, her publisher, etc. I get no sort of kickbacks or anything, but her work is quite thorough and I think it should be required reading for every high school graduate.
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A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (31 January 2011):
Wow I'm sorry that you feel this way, I don't think its a male instinct there, sounds like you found out she didn't have it for you anymore and you didn't have it for her either, this relationship sounds far from being salvaged, with the children part that sucks but thats life. Be honest only thats the advice I could give. Tell her everything, that seems to be the cure all to anything that involves relationships.
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