A
female
age
30-35,
*onfused_123
writes:I went out with this boy, (let's call him Ben) who was in my year, last March. We were perfect for each other- into all the same stuff, liked each other and we got along so well. I've never found any boy as easy to talk to. We went out for about 6 months which is the longest relationship i've ever had and it started to freak me out a little. It seems RIDICULOUS looking back, but i started panicking that he'd be the one i married and stayed with forever and i started to feel trapped and began doubting my feelings were as strong as his. Sometimes i found him a little clingy, so i broke up with him in September. I was feeling fine about it really or at least i told myself i was. He still loved me, he said and really wanted to be friends. The friendship thing never really happened and we kinda lost contact at school. About 1 month after the breakup he tried to get me back with a series of texts explaining how he missed me and still loved me but i was enjoying being single and liked someone else a little so i told him no.About a month later i found out he'd moved on and liked someone else, I told myself i really didn't mind and i was happy for him. I even went out with someone else but then broke up with them when i realised i still loved Ben. I told Ben but unfortunately he told me he didn't feel like that any more and couldn't let me back in after everything. He didn't say so because he's too nice but I also knew it was because he liked another girl. However, it annoyed me that when he'd explained he couldn't take me back, he acted like i'd done something awful by breaking up with him. I hadn't been sure how i felt and It would have been worse to string him along.Now that he'd stamped on my idea of getting back together, the only sensible thing to do seemed to try and move on and let go of our relationship. Easier said than done unfortunately. I went out with someone else is a stupid rush to move on from Ben. Unfortunately he didn't measure up to him. I broke up with this next person for many reasons but unfortunately my main was I STILL loved Ben. It was getting on for half a year now and I didn't know what to do. I started talking to this guy who was kind of similar to Ben only really, really shy and that just didn't do anything for me. I like up front guys. Anyway, I broke up with him and started talking to Ben again. I had this crazy idea that maybe if we were friends for long enough he'd fall back in love with me. It worked slightly. We're pretty good friends now. I THINK he knows I still love him more than anything in the world and he'll say “love you” at the end of our conversations but the thing is I know he means it in a different way to me. Fact is, I had my chance and I didn't want it at the time. Now i'm stuck as friends and nothing more. Ever. It's driving me INSANE because even though i'm 95% sure he thinks of me as a friend, sometimes I think there MIGHT be a tiny chance he could love me again. If I ask him it could ruin this friendship and also, if I ask him and he tells me he really doesn't want me back i'll have to wave goodbye to that 5% chance/ fantasy that he might love me still. I seriously, don't know what to do. So far all i've done is chuck more boys at the problem assuming eventually i'll stop loving Ben but it's not working and it's really unfair on the boys I date. Should I tell him? I've been considering writing him a letter or email explaining that I still love him because things could have changed since I last told him I still liked him. He doesn't like anyone else at the now and I can't just spend the rest of my adolescence sitting around, not seeing other people because i'm still mourning my first serious relationship. Okay, I know, you don't need my life story but I wanted to give anyone who read this the whole picture in the hope of the best advice possible because I really, really have no clue what to do any more. I want to move on but it's been ages and everything i've tried hasn't worked. Please help?
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female
reader, Confused_123 +, writes (16 August 2010):
Confused_123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the advice and i tried nottalking to him to get over him and it didn't work. Maybe i didn't do it for long enough?
Thing is, even if i do stop talking to him i'll have to see him every day because he's in my new tutor next year so it would really complicate things if i just stop talking to him or acknowledging him.
And I've thoguht better of the letter idea. My friend pointed out last night, that it's likely the reason he will never go out with me if pride. Apparently i really hurt his ego by dumping him. It helped a little because his reasons are silly. I know we'd be amazing if we got back together. I don't think there'd be any of that awkwardness there can be when couples re-unite. The only thing stopping us is him and now i don't feel as bad about the whole thing. Anyway, thanks so much for you help. I'm going to see how the friendship goes for a little longer and if it gets too painful talk to him about ending our friendship because i still love him.
A
female
reader, AprilHeirwynd +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Hi. I read about your problem and have to say-I've been in almost exactly the same situation myself. I was in love with a guy for two years-I broke it off then I missed him like mad, still loved him and was friends with him for a while, thinking, hoping and wishing that he would someday be in love with me again.Basically, what I'm saying is that I can completely relate!From your story you seem like an intelligent girl who understands her emotions and is trying to be logical about them which is brilliant. To me, it seems like there are two options here for you to do. Firstly, you COULD theoretically tell him how you feel or; and I know this is hard, you can stop communicating with him completely-even as a friend.Let me explain why.I think you did love him when you broke it off. I think you did so because you were young and scared about settling down. But when you realised he liked someone else other than you, you experienced what every good writer and poet calls 'longing'.(Those guys really know there stuff; right?) So you're still 'in love' but it's also developed into an obsessive pattern of behaviours. And obsessions are terrible things-they're like love, they're related to love-but it's not the same thing.Of course, you want to stay friends with him because you still want to be around him-that's perfectly understandable. But that 5% hope of him loving you back which you talk about is feeding that obsession. The hurtful, but absolute truth of it is that you will be stuck in the same pattern of behaviours as long as you're still in contact with him.I think that if you really, really, want to attempt to tell him that you still love him, then you should-only to know the truth so you can move on if need be. If he says he still loves you then great. If not, then you will have to start moving on-and that probably does mean cutting contact with him.I know it sounds harsh, but I recieved similar advice from people when I had the same problem as you, and slowly, but surely, it worked.Before you write that letter, if you do, please think of the consequences. If it's a negative one-will it make you feel worse or, ultimately better?Sorry this was long winded. Let me know how it goes :)
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A
female
reader, NZLGirl  +, writes (16 August 2010):
Somtimes you have to lose something or someone to truly know how much it or they meant to you...
In saying that of course your not going to like the idea of someone you once loved being with another person but IF he can move on so can you, of course it does take time to get over a guy but eventually you DO get there!!
Maybe take up a hobby, find new friends or join a bookclub idk but anything to take your mind of things will help. :)
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