A
female
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anonymous
writes:Hi,Im really concerned about my relationship. We are both in our 30's and have been together 3 years, We are very much in love and do anything for each other but....Things feel like they get worse rather than better and I dont know how to fix it! The last time we had sex was about a month ago. Now at first im like yeah okay, we both stressed, we both got other stuff going on, and it will heal... but this has got worse rather than better. I first spoke to him about a year ago when the sex dwindled, at first improvement was seen and things were going good for a while, but then it stopped again... I told him that I love him very much and that all I want is to feel wanted in the bedroom, he said that i am wanted and loved and that he doesnt always feel like it, but that he fancies me still, and that sex doesnt show how a person feels. Whilst I take that on board its not like im asking for sex all the time, once a week would be nice. It started every other week and got better and then now its even worse... I appreciate there will be times when neither of us feel like it, or there is other stuff going on but its like this all the time lately and im very down about it. He feels nagged about it so ive left it for a while without saying anything, but know that as soon as I do, there will be a row and back to square one.I wouldnt mind so much if he didnt look at porn, whilst in the main it doesnt bother me, hell i even look at it, but when it starts affecting our sex life i get concerned, we have addressed this issue and he says its not porn instead of me, but more when im not around, which is true, he would never do it in front of me(unless I want him to) or when Im here. And he doesnt do it so much now anyway... its just the fact he still does... Now obviously I have needs too, so of course i masturbate and he whole heartedly supports that i do, but what gets me is that im masturbating, hes masturbating and we are not doing a single thing together!! Have tried combining the two, all sorts, but now Ive kinda lost heart and because I havent initated sex it doesnt happen.I am now starting to feel very worthless and unattractive and not because of the porn, but because i would like us to enjoy a healthy sex life and really feel that if he wanted me that way too then I wouldnt be on here... He says different and says that im sexy and that he fancies me, and that a quick wank is a fix and work sometimes doesnt allow him to be completely relaxed of an eve and hes tired... all that i respect and appreciate, but how are we supposed to get the us back... it was never like this, and i dont know whats gone on.We do spend a lot of time together, we share the same hobbies mainly and tend to be with each other where possible, so its not like we have a time constraint, it just never happens, im really sad about this and he cant see why, he just thinks im seeing affirmation through sex, which isnt the case, i know he loves me, but once in a while would be nice to be intimately loved and not have to nag him for him... He cant see the issue and says that we dont need to have sex all the time and the more I go on he then feels pressured and its a chore, but how did it get to this, he must have gone off me surely to get to that point, we always had such a great sex life... I get more and more down about it and it spills out to the rest of the relationship, ie I look for signs that he has gone off me, ie not so many cuddles at night time, not so many kisses, i know he loves me and hes always telling me so i should be gratful right? But its so hard when i feel this low and he doesnt listen, Its just that I thought couples did anything for one another, we always used to, its just thats hes not making me feel desired that way, and im bothered as to why, surely if he really wanted me that much he wouldnt let anything stop him, and he would go out of his way to make me happy... i know he does alot for me, but I do for him, when he allows me to, im so scared that this is going to get worse... i mean whats going to happen in 5 years time, hes told me he would never leave me as he loves me too much, but what about the future if thigns are this bad already... i really do feel that low and worthless now that i dont know what to do... Please can anyone offer any advice, My man is the most caring guy in the world and everybody loves him, he goes out his way for others, but im feeling so low and cant make him see that, i dont want to make him cross, or hurt or feel crap, i just want us back and he cant see it, I love him so much that it does hurt that much that im actually crying now whilst typing this, always thougth it would be us together and happy, and now im so lost....
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Heather for you reply, And I agree with what you are saying, and I would normally give the same sort of advice... so different when you are the one in it i guess thats what makes it so hard!... I agree with you in that I wouldnt feel the same with someone else even if i were getting sex every night ... i Love my guy so much it hurts!! I dont normally care about porn, but because we are normally so open and the sex was always great i resent the porn, sometimes hes choosing that over me thats how it feels even when he says not the case... i dont know how to get any of us back well thats how it feels at the moment, and i feel so shut out... why choose porn over me, he says not, but thats what it is, thats what hurts, in fact he used to look at porn quite alot before and we would still have sex, and it didnt bother me, but now it kind of feels like he chooses that as its easier, but its making me so down... why cant he put the same effort in... its like a viscous circle, yes he has a tough work regime at the min but so do i, i just want the wanting each other sexually back and dont know how to get it... i feel like its never gonna come back, like this is how its always going to be and i dont want to feel like that, i want him to want me more!! and i cant switch it off it drives me mad! Im trying to relax about it, but its so hard, its almost like this part has now taken over and its at the forefront and i tend to sulk about it... always thinking im not good enough even though he says i am, and its just life at the moment, how can i de stress and stop putting the focus on the sex, i really want to, its not even like i want sex all the time, its more like because were not its an issue, ive never felt like this before and its making me want it more... mad or what!
A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (30 October 2006):
 I Feel for you, I really do. Having sex with the person you love is such a wonderfull feeling of closeness and mutual pleasure giving, and I do understand how low you feel at not being able to share this right now. You obviously Love this man very very much, and from what you`ve said he treats you well, and obviously adores you too. All relationships have their ups and downs, and sometimes the ups, and sometimes the downs, last a long time. He has said that he still finds you very attractive, and you sound like a lovely, caring, attractive lady. You have also said that he`s quite often very tired when he comes home from work, and that you don`t like having to nag him about this issue, and that he looks at porn. ALL MEN look at porn! It doesn`t mean anything to him, they are just images, and they are Non-threatening because (apart from being "air-brushed!), they are not real. If that sexy woman approached him in a club, he would`nt know what to do! He doesn`t have to "perform", no one will be dissapointed / upset / feel rejected (and in turn make him feel rejected). I know saying "Be Patient" sounds hard, and I know that you already have tried to be patient, but I think there has always been an under current of stress over this issue, that you BOTH feel. With the amount of Love you both have for each other, although others may suggest it a good idea to split up, I beg you to "stay with it". Weather the storm. Would you be happy with another man, having sex every night? The very fact that you have posted this question shows that apart from being unhappy, you Love this man to bits. Don`t throw this away, you may not find this deep love again. On a practical level, it may be worth him looking into a less stressfull job, or with less traveling, so that your evenings together could be more relaxed, just the two of you, relaxed in each other`s company. It would be lovely if you both could put the "sex issue" to one side and learn to appreciate each other all over again, what made you fall in love with each other. Turn the TV off, spend an evening together, with no thoughts of what may, or not, happen in the bedroom. Just enjoy each other`s company. My very Best Wishes, with Love, Heather.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): To tell you the truth, I am having the exact same problem with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. We have lived together for the last 2.5 years and our sex life is pretty much non-existant. I have tried to talk to him as well but he assures me he loves me. I have tried to initiate sex and it works sometimes (when he's not tired) but it still bothers me that he never tries to initiate. I have even let him know that I went off the PILL b/c we don't have sex enough so it is a waste of money. We cuddle, and give eachother kisses and say I love you, but we just don't make out or have sex. I know that my boyfriend masterbates when I am not home but he doesn't look at porn. It really bothers me that we were like rabbits in our first 1.5 years and slowly sex and romance has become non-existant. I understand how you feel unhappy and unsatisfied, because I feel the same way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): We are a couple in our early 50s. We have never had intimacy in our relationship but we had sex a couple of times in 2 years but it was all about him.
He too is into porn, I then caught him having cybersex, then found him at the strip bars now I have evidence that he's hiring prostitutes. All this gradually over a 2 year period. He is undoubtably a sex addict and this disease is progressive. He is trying to keep everything a secret and is in denial but bank statements don't lie.
I had no idea WHY there was no intimacy but I knew he had a sex drive. He says he loves me and I know this has nothing to do with me. Just watch for the signs that porn no longer satisfies him and if he moves on to more disgusting stuff it's most likely a sex addiction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNah hes defo a sex person.... never had a prob to start and its only really now that its an issue... he claims to have a higher sex drive than me, can just deal with it and puts practicalities first!
So er Im not gonna get very far am I :o(
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): He might not be a sex person. Some folk aren't. There are people who love sex and those who aren't interested.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, but not so sure it is anon, there are times when time wont allow him to be looking at porn, ie he will work the same hours as me, so there will at least be two weeks in the month that hes not looking at porn for pretty much the whole of that time, and even then its just go to bed and snuggle as hes tired... so i dont know, i want to fix it, but i dont want to nag at him again... nothing like being nagged for sex is there! So its a catch 22... hes always proffessed that there is no problem finds me sexy and everthing else just doesnt deem sex as important provided we love and support each other... damn to it.. hes such a brilliant bloke in every aspect and i have discussed this before and he does now feel pressured.. so i dont know the solution! Ive probably driven him to porn as that dont nag ya! So i just want to approach him but not in an accusing way, and i dont know how to do it, i dont want to fall out, just get a medium but he takes it all as a direct hit against him.. stuffed a bit aint i!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): I would very much ask him to abstain from pornography. If he is using this as his sexual "outlet" then it is "subtracting" from the times he will feel the desire to be intimate with you.
Maybe that is the heart of the problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I guess my question was too long for most to read... I still dont know what to do... its all very well saying buy nice stuff to feel sexy, when i do that i still dont feel sexy anymore i just need to know how to approach him without it being at hit at him... how can I be more diplomatic about it...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): Ooops! So sorry, dear. I accidently posted this answer to your question, which was intended for another question asker. Apologies again about the oversight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): Funny how he gives you these options. They sound more like ultimatums to me. Tell him to take his options and stuff it. The minute he broke off with you,was the minute you needed the courage to say good bye to him and moved ahead to healing/ recovery so you could find happiness with someone else. He wants you hanging 'like a puppet on a string' dear and you aren't allowing it. Good for you. You clearly know what he's up to, dear and it's obvious that having sex without committment goes against what you want and your values. He tells you, 'maybe' in 3 years, he'll commit to you gain.....but in the meantime 'let me use your body twice a week'. This is all about him and what he wants. This is not the actions of a man who loves you and wants to share his life with you, in a mature, equally balanced, healthy relationship. It's over...aceept that and tell him. Move on to finding someone who make you a number one priority, in his life. Good luck.
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reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (18 October 2006):
 Why would you drive yourself insane??? Its obviously him with the problem. Maybe you need to take a break from the whole thing and get away for a bit. This kind of situation leads to infidelity. I know you love him and you wouldn't dream of it but it happens, trust me I know. Been there. I still say talk to him and take a break. Do things to make yourself feel sexy. Buy a new dress or shoes get a facial or full body massage. Don't let his actions or lack there of determine how you feel about yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Lost and alone, thanks, But I have tried Lingerie and things that he likes, and he doesnt really show much interest and says that I pick the wrong times... I really dont know what to do as I dont even want to initiate sex myself now for fear of being turned down, but he says im just being silly... I really am upset by this and he just thinks its in my head. I cant get my head round that he can say he fancies me when he never acts on this anymore... Perhaps I have put on a little wieght, but im not gross, hes put on weight too and i still fancy him... to me its not an issue, its about loving each other warts and all and still wanting them to be pleasured by you... besides its been this last year thats its up and down and really do start to feel that porn has taken over reality and he has no need for me. I dont want to feel like that, but what else am I supposed to think when he doesnt want me in the bedroom... This is so hard as we are so open with one another and this is driving a wedge as im now too scared to say anything ... im totally stuffed and he doesnt understand that i dont feel like a women anymore, and i dont feel attractive, and that hes not going anyway to make me feel attractive by rejecting me all the time... I really dont know what to do!! he says its pressure, now im too scared to say anything and im really hurting inside that the man I love doesnt want sex with me.
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reader, Lostandalone +, writes (17 October 2006):
There has to be some explanation. Have you suggested couples counseling to him. Maybe even sex therapy. Have you tried lingerie and things that he likes? Its hard to feel undesired especially by the one you love but there is something you can do. Communication is first. No matter how much it hurts or pisses him off you have to get your feelings out there. Your sacrificing your own feelings to spare his. This isn't healthy for the relationship. It could come down to you two having to seperate for awhile. I hope this little advice helps you.
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