A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year and a half, and since we go to the same university, we spend most of our time together and are very close (she was my best friend before we went out). However, when it comes to sex, I am starting to feel resentful because I feel like I am more concerned with her pleasure than she is with mine. I go down on her more than she does on me, and when she does, it is usually not for very long and is more of a token gesture before we actually have sex. Never have I climaxed during oral, or in her mouth.Moreover, every time we have sex, I come in a condom, which feels much worse than without one - the reason is not because she is worried about STIs or pregnancy or doesn't want to go on the pill, it is because she doesn't like the feeling of my come inside her - it is 'icky'.I have explained a few times that condoms make my orgasm much worse, and I have suggested that maybe I could come somewhere else where it might be easier to clean (bum, boobs etc - I am not looking to come on her face or dominate her, it would just be nice to have a release outside of some latex). Yet here we are, a year and half later, and its the same thing. I am resentful that her feelings of 'ickiness' are more important than my orgasm, and I am resentful that she does not want to try any of the suggestions I have made.How can I explain to her how I feel? If she is unwilling to change, I think the resentment will build up and I won't treat her as lovingly, or I might want to end the relationship. As much as I love her, this is something that I cannot just ignore for the sake of the relationship. Am I being unreasonable?
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 September 2014):
I can understand why you are a bit upset about the oral issue, at least in terms if frequency, but otherwise you sound a bit demanding.
Your girlfriend either isn't keen on giving oral sex, or more likely, she doesn't want you to cum in her mouth. This is VERY common, and you shouldn't be pressuring her to do it. Similarly with the unprotected sex issue.
To be really frank, I would tell my boyfriend to get lost if he was so obsessed with not using condoms. It doesn't feel quite as nice for women either, but it's important that you use them even if she is on birth control, if you want to reduce the risk of pregnancy or STIs.
I know you say that isn't her reasoning, and if she's your age there is a chance that she isn't quite ready for sex and all of the bodily fluids it entails yet. However, whatever her reasoning, you need to respect it or you end it and find someone else.
'I am resentful that her feelings of 'ickiness' are more important than my orgasm'
This reads like your feelings count for more then hers. Both of your feelings should come into account, and in cases like this you will win some and lose some. I personally don't understand why it's SO important to you to cum all over the girl when she clearly doesn't want you to. It's not a turn on for her, so why do you want to make her do it? You say it makes your orgasm worse, but I've had my boyfriend pleasure me through my jeans before and it's not affected the quality of the orgasm. So I think it's more like you want your sex life to be like what you see in porn, and sadly sex isn't like that my friend.
If you really are as unhappy as you say and resent her as much as you say, then end it now. Trying to make her do as you please when she doesn't want to is NOT the sign of a loving boyfriend, so your only option is to leave.
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 I think you have some reasons to feel upset. Sex requires both giving and taking, an equitable exchange. So, when a partner does not want or like to please us, as we do them, it feels like rejection, and it can hurt our emotional connection and our self-image. So, in the case of the unreciprocated oral, I understand your frustration, as I've been there, and it can be a pretty irritating, if not hurtful, experience. However, we must realize that one man's fantasy is another's turn-off. Not everyone is into oral sex. Not everyone enjoys swallowing. Not everyone even enjoys sex, specifically unprotected sex. You have to realize that sometimes people simply do not have the best sexual chemistry. It doesn't make one person right, or the other wrong; it simply means that you should find a partner who DOES like those things as much as you. As a woman with an adventurous streak and a high libido, I can attest to this being a huge problem in some of my less "excitable" and more "vanilla" partners; I often felt rejected or hurt because they did not desire sex and intimacy as much as I did, and they often did not enjoy the same things, but they sure would take and take and take. I DID become resentful. It really damaged my self-esteem, and I spent a lot of time blaming the others when really the solution was to find someone a little more my speed. I can tell you that doing that has 100% solved my issues. Now, I'm not telling you to dump your girlfriend immediately. I'm telling you that mismatched sexual desire can really put a damper on things, and you need to be realistic. But first, TALK about it. Express how this makes you feel. Ask your girlfriend what she WOULD be okay with. Approach it less from "OMG WHY CAN'T I CUM IN YOU?!", and more from an emotional direction, e.g. "I have fun getting you off orally. It makes me happy and satisfied seeing you get happy and satisfied, but when you don't seem like you are into it while performing on me, it makes me sad and as if you aren't into me. Is there any way we can compromise on this?" You might find that you CAN compromise, if you make it seem like less of an attack. But, like I said, you might not. And that is okay too.I do not think it is right to try to force the issue of unprotected sex. You said she won't go on birth control (or something of the sort), and I generally find that to be an ill-advised course of action. If someone is not comfortable with having unprotected sex, respect that. Ask her if she really thinks it's "icky," or if it just makes her uncomfortable because of the risk. Don't force that issue. Find other ways of having more enjoyable orgasms, or leave the relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 I don't think you're being unreasonable in feeling the way you feel. But at the same time, she's not actually being unreasonable either, in her own way. Sex is not everything in a relationship, but it matters a whole lot. To be sexually compatible is so important that it frequently determines whether a relationship carries on or not. In some cases, a great sexual chemistry means a couple carries on when they really ought to end things.. In other cases, like yours, it becomes an obstacle in the relationship, and resentment builds up.
In your case I think it is a matter of giving and taking. She takes more than she gives. She has a level where she is comfortable at, whereas your level of giving is at another level. Not necessarily that you give more, but perhaps just that you "give", or show love, in different manners. Or perhaps she's just selfish in bed. Some people are, I wont deny that.
Whether or not she's at fault, though, matters little. The fact is that you and her aren't sexually compatible. You can either settle and take what you get, and grow more frustrated, and build the resentment.. or you can let go. I know you don't want to end the relationship, it's a big step. And you care a lot about her, and I am sure she cares a lot about you as well. But one thing I've learned in my years of having had relationships, is that LOVE is not much. A relationship can never survive on love. And some times, people are nice, wonderful, loving etc, but you just aren't compatible with them! So no one is at fault, but both parties are unhappy still. It's just how it is some times.
If you want to, you can talk to her about this. Try to see if she can give more, and meet you somewhere half way where you are both happy. See if she can sacrifice some of her "cleanliness" for your pleasure. It's always worth a try, if you are determined you want to cling to this relationship despite the growing bitterness and unhappiness. If so, then here are some suggestions that will help her feel less "icky". This is how I arrange it, personally:
Toilet paper by the bedside to clean up with. She needs to hold her hand over her vagina as you pull out, so that the semen wont dribble out. You can ALSO help with this, mind you. Just cover the opening with your hand as you pull out. Then place paper over it, or a wet tissue. Then she should go to the bathroom more or less right away, while still covering herself so nothing drips out. She should go to the toilet and pee (this is necessary to prevent urinary tract infection as well). When she pees, she will press the semen out, or it will just leak out by itself. Then all she needs to do is wipe as normal, and she'll be fine. Alternatively she can also hold a towel between her legs and splash some water down under, to clean more (also good for hygiene after sex), or just take a shower and rinse.
You need to rinse as well after sex, after all you will have semen all over your penis. So you can go together to the bathroom/take a shower together.
She should keep some tissue/wet tissue between her legs inside her panties afterwards as well, because it's not always that you get it all out while at the toilet. Just to avoid a mess.
Oh, and coming inside of her is MUCH cleaner than coming on her skin. Semen tends to stick like glue to body hairs, and becomes a real bother to clean away. Especially for us girls, who aren't used to it. It'll tug and pull and be a nuisance for hours after, if you come on her body.
Good luck!
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