A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my baby is two weeks old. in all honesty, i had a lot of doubts and had actually considered adoption because i was so unsure about being a mother. everything changed the moment i met him and I'm happier than I've ever been. he's so perfect. i had a rough pregnancy emotionally because not only was this an unplanned pregnancy, but i was no longer in contact with the father and i hadn't told anyone except a few friends. my family has been so supportive since he was born. i don't know what I'd do without them. it's like everything has just fallen into place and all the tumultuous emotions i experienced throughout the pregnancy were all unfounded.however, my current issue is whether to tell the father or not. we had broken up a few weeks before i found out. we broke up because he was flirting with other girls. i have trust issues as it is, and in the past year i was.going thru this "life-change." i have had some pretty bad relationships and i finally decided i wouldn't keep making the same mistakes and i wouldn't settle for anything. i actually became somewhat of an asshole because i became so bent on not accepting anything i felt i didn't deserve. anyway, my point is, it was a huge deal for me to give my time and attention to this guy at this point in my life and we spent months discussing this. then he turns around and becomes exactly what he said he wasn't. i may have thought too much into this but I've tried to make peace with the fact that I'm not what he wanted. i do feel incredibly rejected every time i think about it. he never admitted to his wrong doing. he never apologized. he never responded to anything i had to say. he simply ignored me and that was that. i needed some sort of closure and i never got it. in fact, i got the opposite in the form of a positive pregnancy test. now i look at my baby and he has his eyes. it hurts to know he may never have a father. i could probably do a better job anyway, but what if one day he starts asking? i suppose i kept my pregnancy a secret because i was embarrassed. my main inhibition in contacting the father is the rejection. i don't know that i could take the broken heart again. i know I'd get over it, but it's the initial pain that i don't want to experience. any help?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 October 2014):
 Again, that "I don't want anything from him" thing - you're putting YOURSELF before your child. This isn't about you and your wants. This is about supporting your son. I'm guessing your SON wants food, clothing, and shelter. When your son gets older, being able to be in sports, or play in the band, or enter into spelling bees, or any number of things kids do that cost money...you will take that from him with the "I don't want anything from the dad" stand you're taking now.
And why are you talking about his dad relinquishing parental rights? You can't sweep this under the carpet because its easier on you emotionally. Your kid needs child support, and access to his father as long as his father isn't drug addict, criminal, or child abuser, and being a crappy boyfriend and flirting with other women doesn't qualify him for losing parental access.
Do what is right for your child. Saying you don't want any care for your child is not what's right for your child. It's not what is right for you, and it's not what is right for his father. Single mothers are the most vulnerable to poverty conditions. Your child deserves every opportunity out there, and cutting off his living will cause your child to suffer AT YOUR HANDS. Cutting his father off without explanation will also cause your son to suffer at your hands too.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2014):
 He can DENY the child all he wants, but unless YOU agree to it, he can not relinquishing all parental rights. I would advice you to NOT do that. NOW if you at some point met a guy who WANTS to be your husband and your child's father (adopt) THEN you can ask him to relinquishing all parental rights) and HE in turn can deny.
You might also be shooting yourself in the foot by not asking for CS. Some states do not HELP the mother with health insurance, food stamps, housing, certain unemployment benefits if you decline CS.
CS is NOT you DEMANDING MONEY from your ex, it's the STATE telling him to HELP FINANCIALLY raise a child HE helped create. IT's FOR YOUR and HIS child. It's not "fun money" for the mother, like some men think. Raising a child is expensive (I've got 3 of my own and 3 stepchildren, so I know).
He might tell you that he doesn't believe the child is his. His word isn't enough. Once you contact your Office of Child Support Enforcement, they will contact him and HE will have to show up for a DNA test and so will you with the baby. If it's a match he will be notified and it will move on from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2014): thank you for your replies. I know i should just mom up and tell him. if he were to completely deny him (like relinquishing all parental rights), would he still have to pay child support? honestly, i don't want anything from him, but as you all have said, by not telling him I'm keeping my son from his father. It is my greatest wish that my ex would want to be there for my son. i wouldn't keep them from each other. i guess i won't know until i try.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 September 2014):
 Both Honeypie and Youwish have given excellent answers. Its no longer just about you and the ex..its now you, the ex and your baby. The baby should come before ANYONE and ANYTHING. The father does have the right to know. Maybe he wasn't a great boyfriend but he would be a great dad, who knows? You are short changing your son, both emotionally and financially. Please consider telling him. If he turns his back on your child, ok..so be it. You still have the right to make him pay child support, he owes his child that. Remember..your child comes first. The two of you (ex and you) dont have to like one another, and if you really dont like him but he wants to see his child, you can always make arrangements that you dont have to see the father.
My ex husband was a rotten husband, but he did love our daughter and they have grown quite close over the years. I never tried to keep her from him even though he was horrible to me in our marriage. He loves her and has been able to help her at times when I couldn't.
At least give the guy the chance ok? Unless he is a drug user or abusive in some way, I think he deserves the right to know about his child.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 September 2014):
You mentioned that you were thinking of putting the baby up for adoption, but when you met your baby and now you're the happiest you have ever been.
Your baby is all that matters now. Not your rejection, not your past with the baby's father, not anything but that baby's well-being and happiness, wouldn't you agree?
Your son has biological needs. He will have emotional needs that grow as he gets older. The first thing to do is to secure his father's financial support, and you being afraid to tell your ex about his son actually steals food, clothing, and shelter right from your son's mouth. Remember, your baby is ALL that matters, and all other considerations are a distant second, and that means rejection. A good mom puts her life on the line for her child. A good mom would be willing to run into a burning building to save her son. Rejection and drama pale miserably in comparison to your duty as a mom and caregiver to your son. In short, the woman you were before your baby was born is now gone. You have been transformed by motherhood, so you can't respond now like the kid you were, because you have a life depending on you now. Your relationship with your ex is nothing now except in his duty as a father.
Not only that, but you are so worried about your own rejection that what you're doing is setting your own son up for rejection as well by denying him the chance to know his father, something that can really have detrimental effect on him. REmember, your child is ALL THAT MATTERS.
You need to tell him, and file for support in the courts (there are pro bono lawyers who help people with no money, and the court system provides free filing for those with low income called In Forma Pauperis), and even if your ex wasn't a good boyfriend, he does have rights as the biological father of your son.
Your "life-change", his crap with flirting with other women, all of that pales now. You're fixated on the life you had before your son was born. That is all secondary now. Now, your deep love for your son is awakening that instinct stronger than any other instinct, even the one for physical and emotional self-preservation...that is the maternal instinct. This is much stronger than wondering if this guy will reject you. This is much stronger than hiding your son away and denying him the chance to know his dad. This is much stronger than not caring what kind of life he'll have and cutting his opportunities because of a struggle for money that isn't being given by child support.
In short, your priorities need such a massive shift that would make the San Francisco earthquake of 1906 look like a gentle day of Romper Room. Gone is the drama of your past relationship. Your baby will love you always and forever. You will love your son always and forever.
Child Support
Family connection
Your baby's father's family's medical history
Your son's father's parents as grandparents
Your son's physical and emotional well-being
Push all of that other stuff out of your head. You talked about closure of your old relationship and all of the hurt feelings and broken hearts - now YOU are your own closure, and instead of focusing on your past, close it yourself and concentrate on your son's bright future. THAT is your closure. Eventually, you might meet someone else, but even then, the old you is dead, and you're a mom now. Even new guys will be secondary to your son, and you'll find a much higher standard will apply to anyone you introduce into your son's life.
You're in for a hard chapter, but a much more fulfilling and rewarding chapter in your life. You will have to grow up in ways you never thought possible, but in case you didn't get my point in the reply even though I've said it over and over again:
Your son is all that matters, and every other physical and emotional consideration you have for yourself is secondary.
Now go tell him and do what needs to be done. You are now the mom.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2014):
Even if he was a huge asshole to you, I think he deserves to know that he fathered a child. And I think YOU have the right to expect financial support and HE has the right (if he chooses to) to get to know his son.
As long as you STICK to your beliefs that HE and YOU were NOT a good match, him rejecting anything is hurtful perhaps, but should BE Earth shattering, as you know what kind of guy he is. DO NOT think that because he is the child father he will EVENTUALLY be a good partner for you. I think ANY relationship (other than exes) would be a really bad choice FOR you.
I think it's a pretty BIG deal to NOT tell him about the pregnancy. And I would MAKE SURE I offered a DNA test if he has any doubts.
You didn't MAKE this child alone. You had help. He was the "help". YOU both made mistakes which is what broke you two up and hopefully that will also CONFIRM for BOTH of you that you two are NOT a good match.
Since you family is so supportive have you not asked them what they think?
I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Now I'm SURe there are a LOT of guys out there who rather NEVER know that their ex had a child that is theirs, because it makes life EASIER for THEM, it's CONVENIENT for THEM. Bot here is the thing, What about the child? What about yourself? Does his Birth certificate says father unknown? Or have you left it blank?
Other than your ex being a BAD BF, do you think he would be a bad influence (if he CHOSE to be in the child life) for your son? Is he violent? Does he do drugs? Abusive?
Or did you simply NOT tell him, because THAT was (at the time) easier for YOU?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 First; May I commend you on keeping the baby, You will forever be happy you did so(except when he becomes a teenager). So many girls in your position would have aborted or taken an easy way out. But you are obvious a very brave and strong person and I have a tremendous amount of respect for your decision. Second; yes I think youshould tell the father. He has every right to know. Now then what he does about it may be another story. Could go one of two ways. But I pray for the best. Thank you and est of Luck!
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