A
female
age
41-50,
*unnybunnyy
writes:Hello there, I am really hoping someone can help me here with some advise and no judgment. I am 31 years old and married for 5 years. My husband and I share a daughter that is 3 years old. Last year we are having a lot of trouble in our marriage and separated for a while, and I met the most charming, amazing, gorgeous man. I kissed him the fist night.. we text for a few days them met him for dinner and a night out. I needed up sleeping at his place and only had sex in the morning which was amazing and spent like 3 hours of pillow talk, it was like a music video so amazing, sexy and something that I have never experienced before. I try to see this guy again but he was living for a Euro trip and I was devastated and went back to my husband. I got pregnant right after that.. even tho I only had sex once with this guy, I also only had sex with my husband once on that month. My baby now is 4 months old, this guy added me on Facebook and every time he post something or a picture I get totally obsessed and can't think of anything but him and that my baby could be his, I am still in love with him. Its hard to say if he is the daddy cause him and my husband are similar (blond and blue eyes). Note: my relationship with my husband is in a much better place now and I love him to the end of the world and do not want to hurt him, he suffer from depression and I don't think he could take something like that. My heart hurts so much from me day and night dreaming about this other guy, its a year now since I saw him. I don't know whats his feelings about me but probably nothing since he added me on Facebook but never try to talk to me ever. Should I just live as it is? Is this pain ever gonna go away? I really really really like this guy! :(
View related questions:
facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): All live births should be routinely paternity tested. The govt should pay for it and people should have to take extra steps to opt out of it.
We can and we should. It would cost practically nothing compared to the IMMENSE amounts of problems it can avoid later.
Right now the system is so messed up that men can go to prison for nonpayment of child support even after paternity fraud has been proven and inability to earn the amount has been proven. This is a human rights issue for us. Innocent men are being wrongfully enslaved.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): It's frightening to think how many women on this page are advocating not telling the husband that he was cheated on but they would demand to know if they were cheated on.
Tell the guy. He deserves to know. Whether or not he stays with you is his choice because clearly you dont deserve to be treated the way you are while he thinks you are a loyal wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 How can you say you love this guy when you literally only had a fling with him? It sounds like you love the idea of being with someone other than your husband, but do you really know this guy so well that you actually think that you love him?
Do a paternity test on your children, you don't need to tell anybody but you do need to do it and find out the truth, if your husband is not the father then you need to do the right thing, as your baby might need tests done if his daddy has melanoma. Do the right thing for your child not for you or your husband.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 May 2016):
This is not even a question to ask. The paternity must be established completely independent of other factors, and the information must be conveyed honestly.
It is because of incidents like this that retroactive jealousy exists in so many men.
...............................
A
female
reader, ArtisticBiscuit  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 Really simple answer... do a paternity test to see if your husband is the father. If he's not then you know it's the other guy.
You don't even need to tell your husband if you don't wish to... just get the DNA secretly. Either way your husband is the one acting as father figure.
So your daughter sees your husband as more of a dad.
p.s. if the other guy really liked you he'd have talked to you by now.
Stay with your husband he's the one treating you right. Ignore the other guy unless he turns out to be the real dad of your daughter.
Then confess that.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 If there is a way , as a reader suggested, to find out the baby's paternity without taking DNA samples from the fathers, you should do that immediately.
Then, you can take it from there.
If both babies are your husband's- well, the right, decent thing to do obviously would be to tell him anyway about your indiscretion, but , if you want to skip this step, at least nothing happens.
But if it turns out that your second child is not your husband's - are you kidding ? you MUST tell him. Regardless of the many moral and legal implications, it is just too dangerous. You cannot exclude 100% that at some point in future the truth will not come out , and what would your husband's reaction be ?? If he is depressed and has suicidal thoughts now- imagine how he would feel finding out that he has been taken for a mug for the last 10 or 20 years. THAT's something that really can make a person suicidal- or homicidal, maybe.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016):
"I just think the cons are a lot more than the pros.. I wanna do whats right for us, all of us."
No you don't. You are doing what is best for you. Its not what is best for your child, or your husband, or the other man. And this is the same pattern throughout your whole story.
This is the wrong century for women to get away with paternity fraud forever. It's a matter of time before this comes out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 May 2016):
 Also, please get tested for STDs!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 May 2016):
 Well it might just come down to the legal side and the laws in the state you live/gave birth/got married/is registered. I say that because in MANY American states, paternity has less to do with the biological side but all about laws. SO if you live in a state where paternity is ALWAYS legally belonging to the HUSBAND (whether he really did father the child or not) this might be a non-issue (legally). Morally? Well, that is a whole other kettle of fish.
I will now speak from MY personal moral standpoint:
Do you REALLY think it's fair that your HUSBAND has been DUPED into thinking he has a child? That you have DUPED him into bonding with this child?
I think you really only have one choice, and that is be honest with your husband. You can't go around and hope timing will get better all the while you live a lie.
I think it's unfair to use his depression as a reason to deceive him.
I also think it TOTALLY unfair that you keep this other man around in your life, whether it be on Facebook, phone or whatnot. You claim that your marriage is SO much better and that you LOVE you husband, blah blah... but your actions? Don't really support those words.
If you had had a ONS, you regretted it, you felt remorse, and NO baby was made then MAYBE it could have been a non subject ( I still think if you can't be honest with your spouse, your marriage is not as great as you pretend it is). But FACTS are... you had UNPROTECTED sex with another man and with your husband and a BABY was result of EITHER of those trysts. So you no longer have the option to stick your head in the sand here.
Not fair on the kid, not fair on either man.
It's not going to be easy, for sure. IF your husband is military, I would suggest you either talk to his units Chaplain or see if Family Advocacy can help you with the next steps and maybe even HELP you by mediating when you tell him.
But of course THAT was MY personal moral viewpoint on this, you may have a very different one. Well, you obviously do. So all I can hope to have done is given you some food for thought.
And hopefully you will understand that I'm not throwing stones at you, I'm just giving you MY viewpoint. Take it or leave it. I'm not the one who has to leave your life, YOU are.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 May 2016):
Are you still in love with your husband? You say the new guy is what you wish your husband was, but are you still in love with your husband? If not, leave him - it's not fair to anyone to stay. His suicidal thoughts aren't your concern and you weren't thinking of him when you cheated anyway (I think it's cheating, if you didn't talk about sleeping with others during the separation).You don't love the other guy; you're infatuated with the fantasy of him and your fling. You're 31 and need to steer clear of Facebook drama. However, you need to do a paternity test on that baby because the guy deserves to know if it's his and your baby deserves to know who their father is, regardless of their age now. That's what's best for everyone - not ideal for you, but you made that bed and now you have a baby that may or may not be your husband's.If the baby is your husband's, you may not need to tell him that you slept with someone else (though I'd probably still advise it), but you *need* to get a paternity test done asap, or this will get worse and worse, the longer you leave it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): Actually there is a way that the OP could confirm the identity of the father without the father knowing.She has 2 children. If she sends off the DNA of both children it could be confirmed whether they both have the same parents or just one parent in common.... That would confirm the father's identity (unless there's a third guy the OP hasn't mentioned)
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 May 2016):
 The time to think about babies needing a father is before you fell in love with someone else. You were ready to forgo the marriage, regardless of whether that man would fall back in love with you.
The most you would have is a depressed father half of the year. You are still young enough to find love, Even if you are a single mom there are resources for you to find work. That's why if you can contact the other guy it will be good in case your husband does kill himself, or one day just loses the drive to live. At least the other guy can offer child support, which would help a lot even if he can't be with you.
If you keep it a secret until the child is old enough, then you stress yourself out everyday thinking, "what if my husband finds out, then he's going to kill himself, and I am at fault for lying this long."
The dna home kit involves scraping your cheek cells. I don't know how you can get your husband to do that without getting him all drunk. That could be an unethical thing to do. The only way you can get consent for him to do that is to tell him the truth. If you go to Europe by yourself I don't think you can resist the temptation to sleep with him again. It should only be about testing for the dna, and nothing else.
...............................
A
female
reader, funnybunnyy +, writes (29 May 2016):
funnybunnyy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there thank you everybody for your replies.. I am gonna add a few facts to the situation.. some of you said I am thinking more about my feelings about the guy than who is the father, and this is absolutely not true, I think about him been a father or what he would do everyday. This other guy wasn't a complete stranger he is a friend of a group of friends of mine and he is back in town. I could contact him anytime if I want to but I am too scared of the consequences. My husband is a marine and I see him less than 6 months of the year. I take care of the kids by myself pretty much. My husband has depression and has lost his daddy recently and his mom is very sick, he told me he tough about killing himself lately when he was away and did not do so because of his kids. Now I go and tell him all of that and what if he kill himself? my kids will grow without a father? What if I tell the other man about my son and he decides he wants to be part of his life? as you all pointed he probably doesn't feel the same way about me and my life will be hell. And about my son has the right to know, well he is a baby and won't understand all of that for a while. I just think the cons are a lot more than the pros.. I wanna do whats right for us, all of us.I am so confused, I know that sounds pretty ridiculous that I care about this guy so much but in my mind he is a lot that I wish my husband was.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (29 May 2016):
It doesn’t matter that you really like this guy because he’s not interested and has moved on. I have a horrible feeling that he was only after sex and, being vulnerable, you made a bad decision and didn’t take your time to get to know him. You were also not available for a relationship anyway. It would be great if you could just move on and forget about him, but you can’t do that. You are dwelling on this because you know that you can’t keep this baby a secret: concealing it from this man is helping to keep him at the centre of your thoughts. You’re also deceiving your husband. Then there is the fact that your child and the child’s father have a right to know the truth. Some mistakes have consequences we have to live with. This is one of them. You have to come clean to both men if the baby is the other guy’s. You’ll certainly have to tell your husband regardless of who’s the father, not least because it’s probably going to be him that provides DNA to establish paternity. You have to find out the truth about your baby’s paternity. I don’t think you’re going to be able to live with the secrecy. I say that fully appreciating that this will be incredibly difficult, and you don’t know how your husband will take it, but sadly you don’t have any other choices open to you. You can only point out that you were separated, tell him it was a mistake and assure him that you’re committed to your marriage now, if that’s the truth. Part of me, though, wonders if you have just taken him back as a compromise. You seem to be hung up on this other man still, though I’m afraid he very likely does not feel the same for you. You’re more preoccupied about your feelings for him than the question of whether he’s your baby’s father or not.
Once you know the truth, if he isn’t the father you need to remove him from Facebook, delete any contact details for him and move on, whether that’s with your husband or not. He made you feel good at a low moment. That has made you idealise him, but the truth is that he isn’t what you think he is.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (29 May 2016):
 I would wisely suggest, that you approach this man and let him know what's happened.
Ask him, if he'd be happy to have a paternity test, so that you can establish, for once and for all, whom the father of your child is.
Yes, it will be very hard to do, but as you had a brief, yet intimate relationship with him, it's the right and fair thing to do, because if he does turn out to be the father of your child, he has every right to know and you need to know too.
This, i would suggest as your first port of call and depending upon what this outcome is, only then will you truly be able to know what you must do next.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): There are kits you can buy online (google paternity kits) that are not admissible in court but are good enough for finding out if indeed a person (man or woman) is a parent of a child.The tricky part is that you need to take a swab simple of the inner cheek. It would mean lying to your husband why you're doing this. If you chose to do it, make sure that you have read, understood (and learned by heart) the instructions for registering the kit online, writing down the code, taking samples, mailing them properly and choosing whether you want the results sent by snail-mail and/or internet.I've just read some comments by unsatisfied customers who mostly complained about the things I have mentioned. On thing that you wrote stuck with me that you and your husband are now in a "a much better place" not good or great or happy, but "better". Also you mentioned that he suffers from depression. And lastly you write passionately about the other guy (not that he personally is important rather as a symbol). So, maybe wrongly, it leads me to conclusion that you have chosen to return to your husband just because this other guy went to Europe. What would have happened if he stayed? Would you ever chose your husband over him? As I said that guy isn't important but he is certainly a consequence of you being unhappy in your marriage. Another thing that rings a bell is that you literary jumped into his bed (I am not judging, I quickly know if I like a guy and how far I would go) and used NO PROTECTION during sex with him and he's basically a stranger. Or maybe the condom broke? If it's not the latter, I hope that you got tested for, well, everything. Also, you are still very much "in loved" with him. How can you love someone you don't know? It's infatuation (again I am not judging, I've been there, but it's not love) and it is suggestive that you are nowhere near content let alone happy in your marriage.Could it be that in some sense you are afraid of being on your own and that you chose your husband because he's a safer choice (he has problems and mostly sticks to you?). You may very well be in a codependant relationship.You can love someone deeply and still be unhappy in a relationship if you're not getting what you need. But first of all you need to be aware of who you are and what you can give to others and need from them.Focus on yourself and get to know yourself better. Do not set any expectations and be honest. Regarding the need for paternity test. It's good to know where a child genetically comes from because of the possible diseases. When I learned at 22 who my biological father was (I had a great mother so I never really felt something was missing), the fact that he too had cardiovascular problems like members of my mother's family was an important piece of information and I took special care and never ever went on a pill.Anyway, your obsession with your child's father is more of a sign of your infatuation with this guy than anything else. Maybe you could wait for his return and then do the test properly? But make sure that he'll agree to him NEVER knowing the results. Him realizing that he has a child somewhere (even after a one night stand) can make him want to be a part of that child's life.Anyway, focus on yourself and find out who you really are. Do not let your husbands needs and state of mind sidetrack you. Take care of your children and do feed the obsession with this other guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016):
Keeping this hidden will not make it go away. Genetics is featuring more and more heavily in medical care as science advances. If this child is not your husband's then you are only putting off the inevitable and making it worse.
Get the child's paternity tested, and inform your husband of the truth if the child is not his. Do it soon. No excuses.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 May 2016):
You have to tell your husband. You can't predict what you baby is going to look like. He may have distinct features like height, nose, eyebrow shape. He may even have something genetically passed down that affects his personality and health. If he really is the other guy's son, he may wonder why he feels like the odd one out in the family. Our super senses can bypass our intellectual ability to know that something's not quite right.
During a separation, there are two things that people do. Use the time to cool off, do soul searching, or use the opportunity to see someone else. The latter is always a sign that you want an out, permanently. When you say you love your husband, it's out of stubbornness and the desire to hang on to security, and not wanting a broken family. You can't say you love your husband then say, you really really like this guy in one same breath. If that guy didn't go to Europe, you would not have gone back to your husband.
If you feel sad that the truth means the end to this marriage, remind yourself that you had a lot of troubles to begin with, that led to the separation and your meeting the new guy. You do not want to start something again that begins with a lie. Have you talked about what you both did during the separation? Even an omission is a lie. With a baby you have to take care of every day, it is impossible to live with not knowing.
If you want to eliminate the options of what you should or should not do, here is one option. You fly to Europe to find that guy, get him to do a dna test, confirm that he's not the father, then come back home relieved but live with the guilt that you lied to your husband. But you have to invent a story why you have to go to Europe all alone, leaving your babies with your husband. So this option is bad. If the baby is indeed the other guy's, then you would probably get full custody but it could mean divorce. At least you know the truth and can move on with life.
Trust me, I am not one of those morally righteous, holier than thou people. I do not write this with the intention to judge. I do it with considering the best interests for the whole family, in the long run.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): I would delete Facebook long before tearing children from their family. Or just block the guy.
You had a wonderful fling. It's over. Don't tear apart your reality for a fantasy that may never come to pass. If your marriage is going better, pour your energy into the that.
Block that other guy. Love your husband. Love your kids. Move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): Update: also my crush guy who is 31 has skin cancer which seams to be melanoma and if he is the baby daddy maybe I should do some genetics tests on my baby when he is older. :(
...............................
|
