A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday I finally cut the string that I'd been dangling from for months now. My boyfriend and I (both early 30s) were together for over 3 years and several months back we hit a rough patch where we'd fight a lot. Due to this he started distancing himself, texts became fewer, he wasn't putting forth any real effort anymore, and no longer making me a priority. I no longer knew anything about his day to day life and he was becoming a stranger to me. Everything had become on his terms and I was having to chase him. I tried several times to let him go, by not contacting him, and telling him if he was unhappy he could move on which made him restate his love for me and got him to contact me (which gave me hope) but nothing got any better. He would contact me every day but it was just "reassurance" texts, no real love or emotions behind it.I could tell he loved me by the way he'd look at me and the way he'd hold me, but things got so bad that I guess he thought it was easier to let it fizzle out than to repair it. I saw him last weekend and everything went alright. We had a good time together and then after I left his place, this past week, it was right back to feeling a million miles away. Nothing was the same anymore.Okay, here's why I decided to cut the string. 3 days ago is the last time I've heard from him. In this entire relationship he never just went 3 days w/ no contact, unless we had a fight and were both stubborn until one of us made that 1st contact. And what makes it even stranger is the last time I heard from him everything was going as okay as it could be. The last thing he text me was "i love you".. and nothing since. On Friday, I thought maybe he was just not contacting me that day and we'd talk on Saturday and get together, but no, nothing. There's been no contact since Thursday so I just cut the string and am trying to move on with my life.There's a very good chance his phone ran out of time and he can't text me. He doesn't have internet at his place, so if he ran out of time the only way he'd be able to contact me is by going over to his friend's house to call me/message me on facebook. He'd done that in the past but this time there's nothing. It's been 3 days of absolutely nothing and to top that off, he didn't find a way of contacting me to get together this weekend, so I said fuck it. I've put my cell phone away and have deactivated my facebook in hopes of moving on.I'm really heartbroken. I haven't stopped crying since yesterday, and am feeling really lost. I feel like my entire world has caved in around me and I have no idea which way to turn. The hardest thing is that there's no closure. The breakup hasn't been made "official" which just adds to the pain of all this. He hasn't been informed that it's over. The last thing he said to me was he loved me and I keep thinking about that over and over. :'(I miss him so much. We were so great at one time. Best friends. There was this love and passion in our relationship where it felt like we'd move heaven and earth for each other. I'm hurting so bad and don't know what to do to ease this pain. He was my first true love, and I'd been married previously. I was truly in love with this man. I'm damaged. I really need some encouraging words, please. :'(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2014):
 Everyone here pretty much knows my stance on marijuana. Yes it helps anxiety, and stress and pain... and yes I am honest with my doctors about it and use multiple times daily. I also work full time as does my spouse. I have chronic pain and also have to take hydrocodone (Vicodin) or synthetic morphine daily just to function. AND YET I FUNCTION JUST FINE. BECAUSE my pain receptors suck up the "high" and I tend to purchase strains that are grown specifically for pain relief. I also have ADHD that I am unable to medicate traditionally. So if anyone has a reason to go out on disability it's me. And yet I know that working and contributing to society is key to my mental health.
Your EX-boyfriend chooses to be a useless waste of space devoted to x-box and partying and blaming his problems on his illness and his "addiction"
Part of being a responsible adult (and you are in your 30s so I assume he is late 20s or older and that's adult enough) is owning your behavior and being responsible.
If you have a cell plan that runs out.. get a better plan so you don't run out.. if you say you can't afford it, well budget better. He chooses to spend his money on drugs and xbox etc.. I'm betting he also shares a home and eats like crap.
Your EX boyfriend is a loser and you are NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT RATHER IN LOVE WITH THE MAN HE WAS (or you thought he was) or worse yet THE MAN YOU HOPE HE CAN BE.
NEVER LOVE A PERSON'S POTENTIAL.
do you love that he can't afford a cell plan with enough minutes? NO... why is this ok?
do you love that he's addicted to his drug and chooses it over a better life? NO? so why is it acceptable?
Is this a man you want setting an example for children?
NO? they why is he good enough for YOU?
yes pot can be psychologically addicting.. not physically.
HE makes these choices and by making them he says
SHE is LOW on my priority list
he loves HIMSELF... NOT YOU.
aren't you worth more?
Time to move on honey and it hurts but rip that bandaid off
box up his stuff and either have a friend drop it off or mail it back to him.
do not talk to him or take his calls. He'll call, when he's horny enough or broke enough...
write long painful ugly letters to him telling him how he's let you down and disappointed you.. then seal them in an envelope and put them away at the bottof of a draw you never open... find them in a few years and read them then...
and get a copy of the book "A FINE ROMANCE" by dr. Judith Sills. it's cheap in paperback but it was my dating bible.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 I am sorry that you are going through heartbreak...it's a nightmare and one we all go through.
Me myself have been heartbroken 3 times. One after a 20 year marriage that I had to end (because he had problems he didn't love me enough to fix). The second time after a 3 and a half year relationship, in which the guy cheated and lied. Swore he loved me and begged me to come back and then cheated on me again. The third was a really good friend, who, after 6 years I realised I had unrequieted love feelings for and I had to let go because he eventually found the love of his life.
On all three I shared good time, romance, love, friendship...the absolute best of the best of what you could expect from relationships...and they all (for varying reasons) failed and it broke me and at one point I wanted to kill myself because I felt so desperate that things had gone so badly for me...
Given enough time, I healed myself. I almost 50 years old now and I accept that I am probably not going to be in another relationship again and I am OK with it because I realised that there is more to life and no matter what, you have to carry on.
It does seem so unfair when a relationship fails, we can hardly bear to believe it...but it's pretty common and there are so many things that damage relationships and thats why BOTH parties have to work on it and fight for it...one alone cannot do that, even if they sacrifice everything.
You just need time and like I said, this may not be over just yet but I think there are some very serious issues that you both have to overcome...if he won't...you need to consider what is healthier for you to do.
It is hard, it is sad, it is upsetting but it is possible to get over it.
Good luck xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is why I said I finally cut the string. But, regardless of the situation, I'm STILL in love with him. I do believe in my heart that he loves me but he is definitely struggling through things. He is a daily smoker and admits he's addicted. He uses it to sleep, to help his stomach (he has crohns disease) and uses it to deal with stress.. and he's flat out told me he'll do whatever he has to in order to get it. He just told me the last time I saw him that he lies to his dealers in order to get some. I asked him what happens if they find out he's lied or can't repay and he said "then i guess i'm fucked".It's Monday, and I still haven't heard anything since Thursday. I'm still devastated and this still hurts, more than words can say. I'm dead inside. I'm lost. While he has issues, he was still my best friend at one time. The love of my life. And no matter what, it's hard as hell to deal with this pain. He worked throughout our relationship. He took me out on dates. He did nice, sweet, romantic things for me in the past so it's not like he was a crappy boyfriend to me that I had to take care of all the time. It wasn't like that. Over the last few months things changed and we couldn't find a way to fix them. It's like he just kind of gave up.What can I do to ease my pain? To make myself "forget"? Will he get things straightened out and return back to who he once was? The man that I fell in love with? How can a man be with a woman for 3 years, who's been by his side through so many things, and just "leave her"? How can that happen? How can he pretend like nothing happened? When I was at his place a week ago, he still had my picture on his wallpaper on his phone. He had items of mine at his place. How can he wake up and go to sleep and not think about me or what we had? I really don't understand that.I told him, more than once, if he was unhappy and wanted to be free that I'd let him go and wouldn't contact him anymore. Well, he wouldn't go. He'd still contact me and tell me he loved me, and missed me and we'd end up seeing each other. I guess I don't understand why he wouldn't just go and chose to tell me he loved me by text, as if everything was okay, and then disappear. I don't know if I'll ever hear from this man again so I guess I'm going to keep trying to move on with my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): Bringing so much more to light, I can see where the relationship isn't going anywhere. You gave the initial impression that you've already made your decision and had ended the relationship; and you're ready to deal with the breakup by starting from no-contact.
First off, the relationship isn't going anywhere; because you have a guy who is unemployed and seems to have no ambition at this time.
You're not a priority; because nothing seems to be at this point.
You're trying to make a boyfriend out of a guy who has resigned his life to being a perpetual teenage pothead. So now I see the full picture, and realize I spent a lot of my time addressing the issue from the wrong angle altogether.
This is not a situation of a function relationship gone wrong. It's holding on to a loser. A guy who has given up on everything, and really has nothing to offer.
He has essentially dumped you, and he isn't really interested in anything but his weed and Xbox.
He'll simply ignore you until you go away. There isn't really any advice necessary here. The situation will pretty much cure itself. You'll continue to pursue him. He'll tire of your pestering. You'll give up and move on.
Situation resolved.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 January 2014):
Ok I don't want to jump on the weed issue because I know there are people here who would defend it to the death...but I'm gonna jump on it anyways because I have personal experience of a few people I have known in my life who have been destroyed by smoking weed long term.
I am not talking about the occasional puff, I am talking about daily consumption that increases over the months and years and the chains of hardship and apathy that tend to go with it.
There is medical evidence that smoking pot can change personality and causes paranoia. Some people deny this (particularly if they are the smoker) and they are unaware of the gradual and subtle changes that take place as the body becomes more and more addictive.
There are people who swear weed is not addictive and for some it isn't, but for many it becomes part of their daily life and people become reliant on it for relaxation and sleep...it's also not cheap to smoke, so the need for it often takes priority and places a strain on finances, thus causing tensions elsewhere!
Your boyfriend says he feels like his life is going nowhere and that he is dragging you down...could it be that his addiction is getting the better of him, that it is stopping him from going further with the relationship? Maybe he realises that he cannot escape and he seriously loves you but does NOT want to drag you down with him...quite honestly he sounds hopeless that he will ever get on his feet and maybe...just maybe he cannot cope with your relationship demands at this time??
It is tough to walk away from someone you love and give them what they need when you assume that YOU are the only thing that they need!!...sometimes just being present adds to the pressure and problems.
You are only seeing the black and white of it because you want what you want and you don't see why you cannot have it.
He is obviously struggling...he plays x-box because it's mind numbing escapism and he can forget who he is for a while. You only see the problems and not the person underneath.
All the weed smokers will jump on my head now with facts figures and statements, but I know what I know and have seen what I have seen. To me, a life without smoking weed is preferable, but that is because I have seen people affected badly by it both in my personal and professional life. Yes it depends what you smoke and how much...but who's regulating whether it's good or brain destroyingly bad?...the dealers?...yeah right!! When they start giving it away fro free I'll know they have people's best interests at heart!!
Sorry for the rant and disagree with me if you wish, but I think this is the root of the problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, let me also add that last weekend he told me he feels like he has nothing to offer me and how I act like I'm not happy when I'm around him. That I say I want to be with him but when I get around him I act the opposite, which is sometimes true because he's been so emotionally distant the last few months it's hard to be my old bubbly self when I *do* get around him. He also said that he feels like his life is going nowhere and that he's dragging me down with him... Those words to me are his way of ending the relationship. Like I said in my last update, I don't know what else to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add, that you're totally right that I don't want to end things. Like I said I can't see my life without him but I've tried all I can and nothing's changed. We've talked about this before and he told me that it was our fighting so much that caused him to become distant and created this "stranger". He told me he was so used to our fighting that he didn't know how to be his old loving, attentive self anymore. We did start doing better but his lack of attention was getting worse and worse. I'm just not a priority of his anymore.He'd rather play xbox than make any effort at maintaining a relationship with me. Yet the last thing I heard was "i love you" and he told me last weekend that he's still in love with me. I don't know what else to do to protect my heart. It feels like I keep getting dumped over and over again. He became bored with the relationship. I'm going to take the advice here and not contact him as he seems to be doing fine without me. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes - he's having issues with debt, employment and health, actually. And an addiction to weed. He does have problems right now, but the weed/health issue he's had since I met him and never caused a problem in our relationship. I think it was the fighting and loss of excitement that ruined it. Actually, he just said last weekend there's no excitement anymore. That it's always the same boring thing every time we get together, and he *is* right. He doesn't have a lot of money to do new and fun things and I couldn't always pay for them so it'd be cuddling and movies 90% of the time anymore. I was fine with that as long as I was with him though. I loved him anyway.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 January 2014):
Does he have any underlying problems at the moment?
Debt? employment problems? Health concerns?
Taking a slightly different track to the other aunts, I think there could be something bugging him that he is trying to sort out or deal with and perhaps that might explain the lack of focus and contact?
Women tend to talk/discuss/debate their problems, men do not!
You are pining over lack of communication and you say you went through a rough patch...perhaps this was around the time another problem hit his life and maybe he couldn't tell you (or didn't want to)Sometimes these things become clear in the space of time.
You are doing what women do best...fretting, drawing lines of commitment, over thinking, torturing yourself and because he isn't responding how you would like and when you like, you have felt it necessary to make the grand gesture of 'ending things' when really that is absolutely not what you want!!
How did you resolve the rough patch last time? Did you both make transient promises to fix things or did you really discuss what was causing the problem?
I have said it before, that the modern way is to have constant, minute by minute updates and contact from a partner by text or phone and it's causing so much stress!! as the relentless demand and expectation for attention robs us of rational thinking.
Yes a partner should be supportive and attentive but life can be totally predictable at times and things go wrong...shit happens! as they say and sometimes people need some 'space' to deal and partners, jobs, kids, lives get neglected in the process.
He said he loves you...he has never NOT said he loves you and I think that counts for something.
I think you need to take a huge big deep breath and try to give the guy some space because something IS going down with him and time will reveal what that is.
By ending things (which you do have a right to do if you dont love the guy) you are, in effect, throwing the baby out with the bath water!!!
In all relationships and however much people love eachother, they do need some space and if that means he wants a weekend or two to himself, it DOES NOT necessarilly mean he wants to end the relationship!!
I think there is hope here but you need to stop being so dramatic over the lack of contact.
Do you have friends you can hang out with on the occasional weekend? Most people get so intense about their boy/girlfriend, they neglect their buddies and that is a HUGE mistake.
I feel right now, you do not want closure because you are no way done with this relationship. Saying you want out just to get his attention is futile and is also showing a lack of understanding of the BIG PICTURE!!
I'd do nothing until he makes contact...NOTHING!!...when he does (and he will) ask him gently if he has some or other issue or problem going on that he is dealing with and ask him if he needs more space (try not to be dogmatic and sacrificial)...just ask him as one human being to another. Let him know you are concerned at how things are going but you are prepared to take a time out, with no repercussions, so he can get his head together!
Number one rule is MEN HATE DRAMA! and you got to be a smart girl if you are going to make sense of what is going on. You cannot be a baby and cry and fret that he isn't giving you attention, because the ultimate goal is a 'happy life' together and you won't ever have that if you throw the towel in when you very obviously do not want to.
If he throws the towel...well thats a whole nother issue.
His actions are not quite meeting with his words and you will only know why as a little more time passes!!
No big moves girl!!
Take a breath as I don't think the fat lady is singing!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis pain is like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel like I'm dying a slow, painful death. No matter what I do I can't make myself forget. Every time I turn around I see him in things I do, or watch, or listen to. He's everywhere. He was my world. I honestly never thought about being without him. I thought we'd be together forever. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. I'm empty and broken. The last time I saw him, when I left his house, I asked him if I'd get to see him again and he said "uhh yeah, I'm giving you my jacket".. and then he proceeded to put his favorite jacket on me for me to wear home. It's here today and I'm trying not to look at it but it's hard. It still smells like him. :'( I'm still in love with him and I'm dead inside. I really am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): It is our duty within a relationship to make sure that we make a serious attempt to resolve disagreements; and make a concerted effort to heal each others wounds.
We have to forgive mistakes and rebuild trust. We have to compromise through conflicts, and make sure no one comes up short; and everybody's happy.
When it is no longer possible to do these things, then you have to make a decision; if it is worth the trouble of holding on.
If a person ends contact; that is your closure. Their silence means they have given up. You can prolong the agony by giving him a cross examination; one question after another. None of the answers will be what you want to hear.
You do have one answer. Is this the end? Yes, it is. He no longer wants to talk about it. Anything he says will have the same result. You will not fix your relationship.
You're supposed to feel pain. It is how detachment and the road to recovery begins. You gave it all you could; yet things got no better. You can beat a dead horse. It's still a dead horse. You can put yourself through a very emotional breakup. You can say a lot of things. It will still be a breakup. I assure you, you will not feel any better about it.
You are now in the stage of grief for your loss. This is when you seek your support system of girlfriends, sisters, family, and your mother. Any supportive female you can find. They know how you feel, and they will comfort you. There is no pain you can compare. I know, my dear. I've been there. Give yourself time to cry. Deal with the rotten feelings.
It may get worse before it gets better. You'll want to contact him, but at this stage; do not yield to the urge. It will feel like a knife to the heart. Please trust my advice about that. DO NOT TALK TO HIM RIGHT NOW!If he calls, or tries to text you. Do not answer. He will say nothing you should hear right now. He has taken the time only to rehearse some lame and emotional speech to dump you.
Let him sit on it. You gave him the heave first.
Talk only to the people that you love; other than your boyfriend. He is not the one you need to hear from now.
He has come to his decision. He made it like a coward.
You will find your strength again. Just not for the moment. This is where you go with the flow of your emotions, and you let it all out.
There will be reassuring words from many of the aunts. We know the pain, and we've all been through it. I wish I could offer you a shoulder. My words are the best I can do for you now. Go to your mother. Her arms will be the best place you can find to rest your head. If she's too far away, seek her loving words. They feel just like her arms.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 January 2014):
 Part of what is making it hard to move on is the lack of communication in the action, but you two haven't been on the same communication page for a while now. If you feel like going over it with him would be better for you, you can still do it, but it sounds like you did the right thing. It doesn't matter if he said he loved you as his last words when his actions make his words ring hollow. Even if he ran out of minutes, he should be able to travel to where you live to let you know. He knew what the stakes were and he chose to let you go even before you did. Hold your head high knowing you did what you could to get the emotional investment in the man you loved and got nothing in return.
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