A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a very social person. I love people. My feelings are always hurt when I am left out of a party or get-together.I have a couple who are good friends of mine. I am pretty sure that they consider me a good friend also. I have done lots of favors for them, helped them out with their daughter who is the same age as my daughter. They would return the favor any time. However, they keep their get-togethers very separate. They had a surprise birthday party (40th)for her, and I or we were not invited. I was very offended. I would really like to be included in their get-togethers. How do I let this be known? What is your opinion on this? The next time they ask me for a favor --for example, she calls me and says, "I need somewhere for Suzie to go after school. Could you pick her up at school?" Could I say something like, "I have always been happy to help you out with Suzie which is part of the reason why I thought maybe you considered me a friend. Apparently you do not consider me a friend since I was not invited to your birthday party. If you have so many better friends, the next time you need a favor, you can ask one of them." Does this sound too harsh or too pushy? Does it sound too forward? What do you think? I really do want to maintain my relationship with this couple. Please give me your best advice. How would you handle this situation? I do not appreciate this sort of "you help me, I'll help you". I need more socialization, more interaction. I really do feel that they consider me a friend. I would appreciate any suggestions, feelings, advice, insight that anyone could give me.Thank you in advance.Hurt Feelings in Harrisburg Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 February 2009):
 I think you're correct. For instance, and this is just an example, let's assume someone in the core group that was invited to the birthday party wasn't fond of you. Let's also assume that the person who planned the party knew this. They have a dilemma. The person planning the party may not have an issue with either of the other two parties but they still have to make a choice.
I have different layers of friends. There are some that are forever and others that may be temporary. This happens a lot with work friends. We spend all day together and sometimes assume we're close. Then when you don't get invited to something you feel hurt.
There truth is there are a million reasons why we invite or leave out certain people. Some people enjoy playing cards, some don't drink, some are home bodies. I have certain friends who are cheap and others who are the opposite. We don't go out with both parties out for dinner on the same night because four of us tip well and the other two are CHEAP. So we're all different and nobody is ever liked by everyone. It may not even be a case of like or dislike either. It could very well be it's just that you held a certain friendship a littler more closely than the other person. Make sense?
A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (1 February 2009):
OK, let me put it to you this way. I too am married and I have three children. Our family moved to the state where we are currently living about two years ago. I found that it is much harder to establish friendships as an adult. When you were a child all you had to do was walk up to another child and say " Hi, do you want to play with me." For some reason, that tactic is usually not very affective as an adult. Once I started working, I found that there is one other female employee at my work. We polity said "hi" to one another as we passed in the hallway, but never really went out of our way to talk until we were made to share an office together. We got along very well in the office, joking and laughing all day long about our co-workers and work situtations we also confided in each other at times when we were upset about work related issues. I even called her one time when I was running late and asked her to inform my Supervisor since his phone was off and I could not get through. She was glad to help me out and I would gladly do the same for her should she need me to. While sharing an office we did sometimes discuss non-work related issues, but outside of the fact that we are close in age, we really have nothing in common. She is married, but has no children. Her and her husband are very into roping and whenever I inquired on what she did over the weekend, her response was usually " My husband and I just went roping". After about 3 weeks of this, I finally confessed to her that I have no clue what roping is. She said that it is rodeo stuff. They own horses and often go out of state to compete in compatisions. There is a girl from another office that would often stop by our's to visit because her and my "roommate" carpool to and from work together. They often talked for an hour straight, never including me in the conversation. This girl is much younger then us and also does not have children. She owns horses and likes to perticepate in the rodeo too. They often spend time together outside of work even when they don't go out of their way to plan it, but only because they live near each other and since they are involved in the same activities they have the same group of friends in common. One time while they were involved in their "rodeo talk", which I actually find pretty boring, I wanted to be friendly and join in so I turned around and inquired "So how hard is it to take care of a horse?" I was born and raised in the city, I have no clue and to be perfectly honest with you I really could care less. They politily explained the basics of horse care to me and I said " Oh, I can't even keep a house plant alive and I am not sure how my kids survived, so I'd better not get a horse, I'd kill it for sure." Now, this was my attempt at a joke. They laughed a little bit, but more at me then with me. Saying I'd kill the horse probably only made me sound stupid to them since they were born and raised with horses around and saying I don't even know how my own kids survived was probably equally unimpressive because they know nothing about raising children, but are now sure that I am not very good at that either. My "roommate" and I often talked about upcoming non-work related plans that we had, but we never invited each other and we never made plans together outside of work. She was later moved into her own office and we now polity say "hi" when we pass in the hallway. On the other hand my husband has a female co-worker that went out of her way to make him feel welcome when he first got there. She showed him around, introduced him to people and showed him where to get his work supplies. She often checked on him to make sure he was ok and when a group of people at his work were planning an "outing" on a Friday night to have a few drinks, she made sure that they invited him and told him that spouces are always welcome. When we arrived, we made our introductions. My husband and her husband are both Vetrens and they love riding motorcycles so it was easy for them to find stuff to talk about, my husband's co-worker was a bit embarrased when her husband, who obviously had one too many, blurted out something about their sex life that was probably "TMI" considering they just met us. But he offered not apologies, he is the type of guy that speaks his mind and does not really care what anybody thinks nor did him seem to care about the fact that he was surrounded by his wife's co-workers. We all busted out laughing. This was the start of a great relationship. Although this couple is 10 years older then us, we now consider them to be our best friends and would feel that a get-together without them could never be as much fun, so they are always invited. I know this was long, but do you get it now? I do not dislike my co-worker at all, but we have only work and our age in common. I would help her out at work anytime and she would do the same for me, but I would not invite her over because she is use to rodeos and hanging out with "the good ol' boys" this is her lifestyle and what she likes to do in her free time, therfore; an invatation to my house to celebrate my daughter's 12th birthday party is probably something she has no interest in. Even if she did show up, it would probably only be because she does not want for me to think she is rude. I would not put anybody on the spot like this, so I do not invite her. If she ever came up to me and inquired on how my daughter's party went and then added in "I really love going to children's birthday parties. I love children and since I do not have any of my own, it gives me an oppertunity to spend some time with them." She would without a doubt be invited to the next party. Do ya get it now?
...............................
A
female
reader, Shonababes  +, writes (1 February 2009):
Hey,
Am not being nasty its just a thought, she may just be using you because she knows that you are there for her child. Just tell her that you wont help her with the child if she doesnt start including you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRae,
No, I am not a single mom. Please forward any other thoughts or ideas.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie,
Thank you for your response. Don't you think, also, that sometimes people are invited in groups and that a lot of people have their "group" that they are used to getting together with. Sometimes even though people consider you a friend, they may not invite you to a party or get-together if they feel that you would not connect with the people there or simply if you are not part of the group.
When you think about it, sometimes a group that you get together with is no more than that. I think of my Bunco group. It is no more than a group that I get together with. I enjoy it and it is a night out for me, but I have other friends who are more important or certainly just as important. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because people belong to a group of friends doesn't mean that they are good friends with everyone in the group. Do you agree or disagree with any of these statements? I would appreciate anyone's response.
Hurt Feelings in Harrisburg
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (1 February 2009):
I also believe it sounds somewhat childish. People have different groups of friends and levels of friendship. It can be hurtful when the extent of the friendship is not the same on both sides.
If you do become too pushy you will possibly isolate yourself even more. How many people were invited to the birthday party you are referring to? This is important. I would tend to think that if were a big party and you were left out, it's because your interest in the friendship is greater than the other person. that doesn't mean they dislike you but it could mean they have a larger group of friends.
I understand how you may feel hurt. Based on your expectations it makes sense. You do not want to make the other person feel sorry for you either, or obligated to invite you to events. In that case, who would need a friend like that?
Instead of trying to play "get even", try to expand your social circle and become less dependent on this one person.
...............................
A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (1 February 2009):
While that does not sound too pushy, it does sound somewhat childish and the only response that you will get out of them is probably "ok, we will ask somebody else, thank you." Then you will not hear from them again. If you did a favor for them in the past then that should be thought of as what it is and all it is, something nice you did for them without wanting or expecting anything in return. If you are hurt or upset about not being invited to the party, then take a gift over to their house and let them know that you wanted to be there. Look at it from their point of view. You did not mention if you are a single mom or not, but that is what it sounds like so I will assume you are. In this case they have already had to "lean" on you once for what they viewed only as being help and not necessiarly friendship. While they are more then likley greatful for your being there to help them out, they do not want to continue to "lean" on you at the fear that you will preceive them as trying to take advantage of you. They probably considered inviting you to the birthday party, but people often feel obligated to bring presents to parties. They probably did not want you to have to feel any further obligations to them because you already went out of your way for them once. I am sure it is not that they do not want to be your friend, they just don't want for you to feel that they are asking too much of you. If you tactfully let them know that you would not have viewed an invitation to the party as an obligation, but instead as something that you would have truly enjoyed, I am sure that next time you will be invited.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): Just explain that you are delighted to help but you would like to be included in their get togethers and if she is really your friend and wants you to continue helping then she will.
...............................
|
