A
female
age
30-35,
*oniqueEE
writes:Hi everyone.I'm having a friendship dilemma. A close friend is no longer speaking to me because I didn't attend her hen do.I declined months prior due to the dates not being good for me - it's a month of birthdays and prior planned trips.Speaking to her recently she is annoyed that I didn't get involved in planning it - a thought which never occurred to me.She had planned one for me earlier in the year when she got into a big argument with my friend and decided to organise her own.My question is this, why do I feel conflicted? I had already planned to do something seperate but not once did it occur to me to reach out and ask her organisers to help with hers.What does this mean? Am I just a bad person or is this friendship just not real? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 December 2017):
 Maybe she feels because she organized a hen party for you that you would do the same for her. You need to talk to her about it and communicate, it is the only way that this is going to be sorted. From her side she probably feels that she went to a lot off effort to organize something special for you and she may now feel that even though you couldn't come to her hen party you didn't show any interest, help out or even bring her out for a night out with your friends to celebrate her wedding. Talk to her its the only way to solve it.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 December 2017):
 If she's won't even speak to you, then she's not a good friend.
Give it a couple of weeks (no less than 2 weeks before the wedding) and, if she still hasn't spoken to you, decide whether you want a friend like that or not. I don't think it's healthy. Give it a little time, but set a time limit.
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A
female
reader, MoniqueEE +, writes (14 December 2017):
MoniqueEE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice - she still isn't speaking to me and doesn't want to hear what I have to say.
Wondering if I'm still invited to the wedding or not, the anxiety isn't great ??
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (12 December 2017):
As a last friendly gesture, just console her sympathetically with a straight face when she divorces. I suspect, given her general demeanor, that a marital schism won't take too long.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2017): Sounds like a bridezilla to me and it will only get worse as the wedding date approaches.Do not feel bad...you gave her plenty of notice.Right now she is caught up in all the wedding stuff and thinks the whole world revolves around her.Tough call your friendship may survive or not.It depends on how bridezilla acts going forward.It is not you or what you did or did not do because it is all about her to her.I am Soo sorry you have a friend like that but remember you did nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 December 2017):
 I think if you had NOT had plans and THEN didn't help you would have reason to feel "guilty". But you let her know in GOOD time that you were not going t be able to make it because of prior plans. HOW does that make you a bad friend?
Doing something separate and special for your friend would be awesome. Helping to plan a Hen do you can't attend is NOt required. AT ALL.
Sounds like your friend is a tad entitled here. She expected everyone to drop what they were doing for a Hen do. Eh... no. OR she just REALLLLLLLLY wanted you there. Which is nice, but no need to be a brat about.
If she had wanted you to help plan it, SHE could have ASKED if you were still willing to help with that even if you couldn't attend.
I helped plan a 75 year birthday that I wasn't going to attend, the lady (who turned 75) was one of my best friend's grandmother, so I was more than willing to help. Unfortunately, I couldn't attend as I was going to be in Rome for a wedding that I had been invited to 8 months previous. The ONLY reason I helped plan it, was because my friend ASKED me. And all I really did was get her in touch with the butcher, the baker, the tent rentals and the band my Mom had used for my dad's 50'th birthday - so not really a HUGE part of it. I really wouldn't have thought of it myself. I was 24-25 back then I think, so similar age as you.
Take her out before your holiday and treat her. And have a good honest chat.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (11 December 2017):
 If you've already planned trips, it's unreasonable for her to expect you to cancel if it's non-refundable, which usually is. I don't think it would occur to anyone to help plan something they're not a part of tbh..
I will say I would be upset if my close friend didn't come to my do, IF the trip is refundable, it could surely be rescheduled.. otherwise you've done nothing wrong.
I do think she's more upset and gutted, rather than angry- she just really wanted you there. I would talk to her, offer to take you out somewhere, do something nice for her, whatever you can afford. And I do think if she is a close friend you make time for them- so maybe in the future show her what she means to you.. maybe you'll find your friendship isn't that strong if you're not willing to make time for her. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 December 2017):
I think it would have been nice and supportive to assist in planning, but it's not unlikely that the thought wouldn't occur to you, if you weren't able to go.
Apologise once more and offer to celebrate together, then leave it at that.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (11 December 2017):
 It would be a bit odd if you helped to plan a trip you weren't actually going on! I think your friend is being unreasonable and is disappointed you didn't go, buyout had good reasons. You can explain again why you had to miss the trip but it is up to your friend whether she puts it all behind her.
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