A
female
age
51-59,
*quarian67
writes:I have been with my loving partner for three years now. The problem is i still have this guilt that i cannot seem to get over.I was married for eighteen years and my ex husband was a good provider, he was verbally abusive towards me, not interested in me physically. I would dream of ever one day finding a man who would love and respect me.Well, three years ago i did, he still makes me feel special all the time and i do love him.My ex husband still wants me back and i have gone back to my ex and the kids on two occassions. Once was for a day and recently for two weeks. I slept in the spare room on both occassions.My partner could not bear to see the pain i was going through so let me go back. When i go back i miss him soo much. He does not have kids and thinks that when things in the house get quiet then i want to go back.My daughter is 18 and son is 13. They come over two times a week and i do not see them ofter enough. My ex is very good to them and they prefer to stay with him.My daughter who resented me constantly for the three years seems a lot better as i have recently come back to my partner after two weeks. It has been 5 weeks since i came back and she has been very nice to me.I do not love my ex, my partner knows that and knows i went back for the kids.Now i am back i still have guilt not being there for my kids to make them breakfast etc.My partner got me a good counsellor that i do not see anymore. My partner says that this feeling of guilt and not being good enough is evident in my parents and sisters.I also feel guilty that my ex is alone and will not meet anyone.I miss not ever doing family things again, i will not have the family of having grand children.My partner says that you can have all that but in a different way and cannot understand that after how i felt about my ex and wanting so desperatly to leave before now feel this way again.I think he is getting impatient and wonders whether this baggage was worth it.
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female
reader, Basschick +, writes (8 April 2010):
 You broke a dysfunctional home. Quit beating yourself up. Kids are resiliant when they feel loved. Do you love them? Then quit acting like this. Allow your partner to come around and live a normal life in front of them. If you quit behaving like a guilty person they will find normalcy in this arrangement. Just give it time. Rome wasn't built in a day. You can still sit down and have dinner. Your partner needs to get to know them. It might be awkward at first, but they'll adjust if you just relax and act natural. The longer you wait, the less they will bond with him. Everyone has moments of regret, grief and worry. You cannot let it rule your life now. It has no place.
A
female
reader, Aquarian67 +, writes (29 March 2010):
Aquarian67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. There are times when i have absolute clarity and know that I left for good reasons and that i am with a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. Then there are times of utter darkness where I acknowledge that I am responsible for possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to my own children. We're supposed to do anything for our children - but I haven't done that. I miss the family outings, the sitting at the table together at dinner time. Yes they do come over and sleep over occassionaly but it's just me and them. They or I will never have a family unit again - and it's all my fault. Because of the tension that was created in the beginning, my partner makes himself scarce when the are here, so as not to upset them any futher. My son seems pretty much ok with things. It's my daughter that became absolutely bitter about everything, critisising me constantly for no reason and pulling her face the minute she walked in the door. Although after I went back home, then left again, she's now treating me a lot better and behaving normally. I feel so bad that when my ex-husband comes home from work, he has no one to talk to, so she has to fill my role. I have changed my childrens lives so much. I only ever wanted to give them a happy home, and now I've broken it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): If your ex husband was verbally abusive toward you and not interested physically, you really should stop worrying about him being alone. Hes not your problem now. He made his choices so you have nothing to feel guilty about. My ex husband treated me the same. Ive never felt any guilt for leaving him. We are friends now but it took a year for him to come around and admit he was dreadful to me and i was right to leave. Your children were quite young when you left. Its understandable that they would "side" with dad. My children did too although they were much older 18 and 22 and they had known things in the marriage were bad for some time. They still felt sorry for their father though. They saw me happy and looking better than i had for years, while he shuffled about looking miserable and lonely. It was almost their duty to feel sorry for a parent behaving as sorrowful as he was, i understood that and kept my feelings to myself. I didnt try and alter their opinion of him in any way. I felt, given time he would do that himself and they would come to know him as i had done. And thats pretty much what happened. Your children are probably still in "poor dad" mode. Let it be and dont try to influence them. They will come around eventually. The feelings you have are perfectly normal, the grieving for the loss of your family....as you see it. You probably feel as i did, that you were selfish to put your needs before theirs and leave so you could be happier, then see them suffer unhappiness because you werent there for them anymore. Some will tell you, you should have stayed and put up with your ex and brought the children up before you left him. Others will tell you, you were right to go because being brought up within a disfunctional marriage is bad for kids. In my opinion only you know how unhappy you were and why you left. You made a decision to go because you couldnt live like that anymore. It was your right to go if you wanted to. Now youve come this far down the road to making a new life for yourself, so dont muff it all up. Stop worrying about your ex partner. You really cant afford to waste anymore emotional energy on him. Hes the past, you need to look to the future, your children and partner. Start being more positive about things. Dont dwell on what you should have done. Spend your energy on what you are doing now, you have to build new relationships with your children. And you need your partner onboard to help. He sounds a good sort. But he will need reassurance from you because he must feel awful, knowing you are so unhappy. You dont want to lose him so make him feel secure. Having said that, he has to understand that hes with the mother of children and he needs to respect the fact that he must share you with them. Start planning bonding things for you to do with the children. Just you and them together doing things. Invite them to stay with you both. Have weekends together and cook them breakfast! Have a word with your ex. Tell him theres to be no wallowing in self pity if they chose to stay with you sometimes. He might try and influence them and make them feel guilty for liking your partner. Make him understand he will end up losing them if he tries to make them chose. Some parents will use children to make an ex suffer. Tell him you are having none of that!! Rebuild your relatinships with the children but dont go back to your old home again. That was weak and self indulgent. Doing things like that will leave the chidlren confused and hopeful that you will "get back with dad" again. It wont have helped the children and must have worried your partner a great deal. And as you are finding out it really doesnt help to return, it just opens old wounds. You have your home now, let them come to you and see how happy you are and make them feel happy and welcomed. Be loving and attentive to your partner while they are with you, dont side line him. Its all hard work and you need to be strong but you can do it. And remember, being a mum isnt just about being there to cook breakfast when they are 13. Its a long term commitment and lasts all your life so shake off your guilt trip and start being there for them in ways you can manage. New relationships with the children will flourish. I speak from experience. Its not easy for the first few years but it really does get better if you make an effort to repair things, so stop feeling sorry for everyone because thats a total waste of time. Whats done is done. Start making them see the rewards of you being happy, by refecting that happiness back to them x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 You can't go back into the past to change things.
When you left , you did not see the full implications of your leaving. This phase of your life with your children is gone and you have to accept the reality .
The children will grow up in a dysfunctional family and when they have wings they will fly away. There will be nothing there anymore and you need to live your own life.
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A
female
reader, Aquarian67 +, writes (29 March 2010):
Aquarian67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAppreciate the responses
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 I fully agree with Basschick.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (29 March 2010):
You need to pick a home and stay there. If you don't love your husband, then for God sakes, don't go back there. Your kids will adjust. Once the divorce is over with, they may just love the partner you found, as much as you do. They can come and visit. You can make them breakfast. And you will be able to build a new type of family with your new partner. You are not doing anyone any good, by living a lie. Go and be happy. Things will work out just fine.
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