A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 26 yr old woman married for the last 2.5 years. My husband is great friends with this another woman whom he knows since before he met me. I would call this woman M in the rest of the email. 'M' and my husband 'A' used to work together in a company in 2004. MY husband and I now work in the same company (though we did not meet here, we knew each other from before). 2 years ago, my husband forwarded M's CV in our company and she was interviewd and hired. Since then their friendship has been growing because they now get to spend more time together. 'M' is also married and has two kids. Over the weekends we go to each other's place at times. I was never uncomfortable with my husband's friendship with 'M' because it never seemed to be going out of control. They used to be in the limits. But lately i have been feeling that they are overdoing it. I work in shifts at my company whereas my husband and 'M' come to work almost at the same time everyday. I have observed this myself and have also been told by some of my friends at work that she spends way too much time at my husband's desk. It is specially too much when I am not there in the shift at the time when my husband and M are in the office. They are in 2 completely different departments and their work doesn not require any kind of interaction with each other. My husband's cubicle is very close to mine and everytime she has to meet him, she has to first cross my cubicle. They then chat for at least 30-45 minutes. This goes on for like 5-8 times a day. Then when she leaves from work she asks my husband to accompany her to the parking. When we get home, she calls up my husband on phone and they again talk for 30-45 minutes or more. Sometimes when i am in night shift, my husband and M go out partying (not alone though , they have couple of other friends in the group). The two of them hardly ever involve me in their conversations.Specially M knows me also pretty well. She barely ever comes to my desk to say Hi though i sit very close to my husband's desk. She crosses my desk 20 times in a day without stopping to say hi. When the two of them talk over the phone my husband goes into another room to talk to her. He never by himself tells me what the two of them were talking about. Even if i ask he will just say "nothing important."Yesterday i discovered 2 messages on his phone which M had sent him when i was out of town. They read like this: 1. " I am looking quite nice in this dress.. wish you could see me. You have transformed me into this dumb bimbette and I love you for that."-Message sent on 20th June 20102. "Are you dead? Why are you not picking up your phone? I hope it is not coz I love you. Dont reply :) "Message Sent on 19th June, 2010To the first message my husband replied:"Take a picture and show me later"I am not able to understand this equation between them. Can you please tell me if they are being just friends or somewhat more than that. Thank youAshley
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Hi Ashleyt, you need to tell her husband about her behaviour with your husband. all the signs point to an affair in the guise of friendship. i always believe where there is smoke there is fire.. so with the work colleagues gossiping that something is going on, it probably is. sorry, but if your hb is so sly then you need to beat him at his own game.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Thank you everybody for your replies.
Well i did tell my husband about 3 weeks ago that i dont like him talking to M so much and he should reduce his interactions with her, at office as well as at home. I dont know if they reduced their conversations in the office because after i confronted him i was put in a different shift for 2 weeks. At home i did notice that he started hiding his conversations with her. If I saw him talking to her on the phone and ask him who he was talking to he would lie to me. Or if he saw me walking into the room where he is talking to her he will immediately disconnect the call. I observed this for 2 weeks and then i fired him majorly for behaving as if the two of them are having an affair.
I told him to stop it immediately. He tried to make me understand that they are just friends and he was hiding his calls because he was afraid I would get angry at him. He insisted that they are just very good friends and like talking to each other a lot.
I was not satisfied with this BS so i called up M and fired her as well. By the way, I forgot to give an additional piece of information in my previous posting. People in my office have been talking about my husband and M having an affair. I found this out just last week. It just drove me over the edge. I called up M and told her to stay away from my husband. She behaved all innocent and told me that she didnt realize they were spending so much time talking and that i would be offended by all of this. I couldnt believe her !!!
How can she not realize that she was crossing the line.
I confronted my husband over the messages yesterday. In his defense he said the first message was sent by M because the other day he was making fun of her of how she dresses up and then couple of days later there was a party at office and she wore some dress in which she believes she was looking good. Hence the message to my husband. I still believe it is a highly inapproprite message.
To the second message he said that they are very good friends and say i love you to each other quite often..
I was not convinced. I mean i am a woman myself and that too married. I would never ever say I love you to another male friend no matter how close i am to him. It just sounded like BS to me.
Anyway, the problem is my husband is too smart. If he wants to talk to her he will. He will delete his calls history and her messages so that i dont find them on his phone. Plus I am working odd shifts. SO if they choose to talk at work I won't be able to find that out either until and unless i ask someone. I'd really feel stupid doing that. I have friends at work but it's still a personal matter.
Ashley
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Ashley We cannot be 100% sure they are having a physical affair at the moment.... readers - we cannot assume this, and I;m not sure Ashely can either. Hope you get this sorted asap. let us know how you get on. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Judging by the texts its obvious their friendship has become a bit more serious, their is nothing wrong with the oposite sex's being friends but sending eachother texts like that its obviously not friendship! The fact you're working different hours it's only natural to be paranoid but in this case you have every right to be, you deserve better than that, go online and find the best way to catch a cheat!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Ashley I am so sorry for your situation because, it seems, that by trusting your husband and giving him all the love and support to have female friends that is healthy.... he has taken advantage of the situation and of your generous nature. His behaviour is not acceptable at all. I would have thought firstly that the employer would have reprimanded both your husband and this other woman for wasting time - thats a lot of time to spend chatting. Then, to need to speak over apparently nothing much after work as well. That is ridiculous. Your husband has let this romantic (and it is) situation get out of control and disrespected the boundaries of your marriage. She is brazenly rubbing your face in it at work. I'm afraid we could have made many excuses for your husband until you mentioned the texts. It is obvious, very obvious, they are more than friends. Have you confronted your husband about these texts? You need to tell him that you know about them and ask him to be honest with you, his wife. I think also you should confront them both - I am puzzled as to why you have let this go on for so long. Its time to put a stop to it - if they have not had sex yet I doubt it will be long. Could you enlist the support of a senior work colleague who could ask them to get on with their work? You need to start standing up for yourself - they are making you look stupid I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Instead of guessing, confront him now.YOu have every right to do ath - he is your husband. Ask him straight out, and tell him that freindship is making you feel uncomfortable, and that you have read the texts. You should be able to tell what's going on from his reaction. You have nothing to lose.. only a bad husband if thats; the case. Take your courage and face this for your own happiness in the future. Lets us know what happens. Good luck. xx
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A
female
reader, Romani  +, writes (3 August 2010):
Ashley, I will be honest with you - it sounds like they are more than friends. I find it questionable that she passes your desk so often without saying hello. Her texts to him are flirtacious and provocative. I would confront this siuation right away and get to the bottom of it . you don't want to be cheated on ! Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, ruby buttons +, writes (3 August 2010):
 he is cheating on you sorry to be blunt, but you are his wife not her you need to confront your husband and ask him are you having an affair?
it sounds to me that he is, going and taking the call in another room if this was innocent he would let you listen trust me ashley i have been in this situation and it isnt nice makes you feel sick to your stomach when he speaks to her or when you know there together.
this isnt normal if he loved you he wouldnt do this
im sorry but he sounds like someone who is having there cake and eating it.
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