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female
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*araJ
writes: Help! I'm married and am very attracted to my friend's husband. It didn't start out like that, but we have taken our kids to the pool a few times and we share many interests, and occassionaly he will say things like "I should have married you" or he'll tell me how his wife, my friend, is "a Pain"...I can't seem to keep my mind off of him, and I have had dreams about this man! My friend, Ironically has told me we're "Soulmates". I never gave it much thought until recently. I seem to feel connected to him, even though I see him only occassionaly. He has given small gifts, nothing major to me, and I the same, nothing that my friend does not know about already. It's always friendly, never secretive. I am so ridden with guilt, I feel like this man may share the same feelings too. He asked me and my daughter to the movies later this week, I don't know if I should go, because I feel like I might say back to him "I should have married you" or "I had a dream about you". Is this emotional infidelity? I feel like I'm falling for this man. I do love my husband, but sometimes I feel like he is not my Soulmate. This worries me!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): This is indeed emotional infidelity!I'm in the same situation, but I think I'll be able to talk myself out of it, though it's not easy. It's hard to ignore the admiration and the concern about your problems and past, the little shy touches, the sweet compliments. Doesn't it make you feel alive and attractive and young? I know that my friend's marriage is not going so well (because she's a workaholic who's never home) and sometimes I get resentful that instead of getting their house in order, their bad marriage is starting to domino over into mine. I realize that if my friend's husband lacks the skills to make his marriage work, he's probably not so great. Beware of the "love but not in love anymore" business, where it sounds like you're headed with your husband. It's just bullhickey-- passion will last only a couple of years at most with any person you get to see unrestricted, even Mr. Soulmate (sorry to be sarcastic, but I'm being tough to help talk myself out of this too.) Then you have to work at the relationship, you can't just coast the rest of your lives. There's no man alive who will offer you smooth sailing all the time and no paddling. But the good news is that if you and your husband put time and energy into courting each other again, you can get the spark back at times. I know this because it's not the first time I've survived having a mutual crush on a man I'm not married to. The first time was horribly painful but I made it through. This time it also hurts but I know the steps I need to take to wake up from the fantasy, so I can continue to be good to my family and myself. Any reasonably attractive married person will run into alternate-reality true loves every few years, and one just has to live with the fact that you can't live happily ever after with them all. You just need one Prince Charming, who will keep shiny as long as you keep treating each other like royalty.The only sure way to prevent an affair is to cut off contact. I have been avoiding Forbidden Fruit for three weeks and I feel much better already. Not so easy because our kids are friends, but I think that I can just about tolerate seeing him once every month, and maybe I can try to be a little less friendly to scare him off. The other things I'm trying to do is to make more time to do fun new things with my husband, and see if I can get him to offer things that Other Guy has, like flirtation and romance. DH has responded beautifully and we had a great weekend. Finally, I have dropped some hints to my friend about the things that I think would help fix her marriage, like making more time (just an hour a day in the evenings) to enjoy the company of her husband.Don't go to the movie with your friend's husband. Ask your own man to go with you. Keep strong and let us know how it goes.If you feel you can't stop yourself, check out the following discussion to see where you may be headed:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.htmlESPECIALLY look at how many times the word "soulmate" comes up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Unfortunately it seems that you have kept some of the things he said to you from both your husband and your friend(his wife). I have known many people that have taken the road that you have entertained in the back of your mind. I have never yet seen one work out. If the spouse is understanding they have taken the cheating spouse back (usually because of kids) but the cheating spouse never gets rid of the guilt completely. This man is not as great as you imagine because if he was all that great and trustworthy he would be working on his relationship with his wife instead of flattering you regardless of how sincere his flattery is. Don't beleive it. He may be sincere but it will change when you become the "pain" his wife once was. The "soulmate" deal will eventually turn into "soulessmates". How would you feel if YOUR husband and the WIFE of this guy were having the same conversations and "soulmate" feelings for each other and your husband refered to you as a "pain" and wished he would have married her instead? Really, think about it! Run, don't walk but run fast from this guy and make a soulmate out of your husband instead. Tell this guy to start treating his wife with the respect she deserves and to stop imagining that anyone is better than her. Tell him to romance her pants off till she can't resist him and she will stop being a "pain". Then you start treating your husband with the repect he deserves till he will romance the pants off you. Don't do it you WILL REGRET IT! PROMISE!
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female
reader, awrojas  +, writes (7 July 2008):
Unfortunately it seems that you have kept some of the things he said to you from both your husband and your friend(his wife). I have known many people that have taken the road that you have entertained in the back of your mind. I have never yet seen one work out. If the spouse is understanding they have taken the cheating spouse back (usually because of kids) but the cheating spouse never gets rid of the guilt completely. This man is not as great as you imagine because if he was all that great and trustworthy he would be working on his relationship with his wife instead of flattering you regardless of how sincere his flattery is. Don't beleive it. He may be sincere but it will change when you become the "pain" his wife once was. The "soulmate" deal will eventually turn into "soulessmates". How would you feel if YOUR husband and the WIFE of this guy were having the same conversations and "soulmate" feelings for each other and your husband refered to you as a "pain" and wished he would have married her instead? Really, think about it! Run, don't walk but run fast from this guy and make a soulmate out of your husband instead. Tell this guy to start treating his wife with the respect she deserves and to stop imagining that anyone is better than her. Tell him to romance her pants off till she can't resist him and she will stop being a "pain". Then you start treating your husband with the repect he deserves till he will romance the pants off you. Don't do it you WILL REGRET IT! PROMISE!
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female
reader, LaraJ +, writes (5 January 2006):
LaraJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You so much for your advice!! I do not want to end up as a divorce statistic. There were some great points and things to think about. I think it is just a rut I'm in & don't spend enough time with my husband..Maybe I am being gently seduced by this man in a way. I should just stay back and get myself busy with another infatuation-like exercising or garden work!! I think I still have to work through this, we live so close, and our kids are Best friends! Thank you everyone. You all had great advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2006): I think that sometimes when you spend time with someone who you had just viewed as your friends partner, you can see why your friend fell for them and you get what a truly fantastic person they are.
I honestly think it is just a rut that we all allow ourselves to get into that we end up looking for the greener grass as it where. I think that the 'I should have married you' thing is just one of those things people say as a joke because their husband/wife has very different interests to them and they would like a common interest. I dont think that differences are bad in fact they are what gives us something to talk about our own interests are neccessary as is spending time with others who we dont live with.
I would certainly go to the cinema with him but I would also bring your husband and his wife. I would try to rekindle your own relationship get a bit of the spark back try to remember what made you fall in love with him, what made you believe you could never live without him that there would never be anyone else when you married him.
Look for a common interest take up dancing or scubadiving whatever something the two of you do together.
Buy some sexy underwear book a night away rekindle the passion in your own relationship and you wont find your friends husband such an attractive prospect!
Good Luck
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (4 January 2006):
 Ok,you are attracted to this friend of yours and you are flattered by his comments and kind gestures but please take a good few steps back,he does know that you are a married woman with children but yet still wants to pursue you without thinking that he could breakup a family,his marriage might well be in the doldrums,but he is still with her.The good sign here is that you still love your husband,are you then willing to give your marriage up on a infatuation because thats what it is.Your friend takes you out on outings,he gives you gifts he says the right words,its all very nice and dangerously addictive,you go back home and its back to the housework and the washing up,and why would you want to do that,when you could be in the arms of him.If for arguments sake you decide to leave your husband,do you honestly think that your friend could give you so much more? When you start to live with someone,you get to know their faults as well,and you may decide that he wasnt your night in shining armour after all.This man is trying to seduce you very gently,and his only purpose might be just to get you in to bed.If you value your marriage,which i think you do,then leave your friend well alone and start concentrating on making your marriage fun again.Good luck.
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reader, happytochat  +, writes (4 January 2006):
Hi there,
Wow I can see how this is a very worrying situation to be in. First of all, you have guilt so that shows me that your not some monster who wishes to hurt your husband! You are having difficulites with dealing with these emotions and are very confused! I guess what makes it the most 'confusing' is that you feel that your feelings might be wrong, as 'emotional infidility'. I have to ask you, ok so, what if it is emotional infidility, then what? what does that mean to you? does it mean you will hide those feelings and put them away? or act on them? or considering ending your marriage?
Firstly, I must say, that if i was your husband and saw the way you and your friends husband behave, then I would be jealous to say the least. That is why, you have to figure out if these feelings are just a bit of a crush or not. But it seems to me, you already feel that its more htne just that, you feel like hes your soulmate and it seems like a soulmate, to you is a very importnat thing!
The fact that his man, is saying stuff like he should of married you and that his wife is a pain suggests taht he probably does have feelings for you, and I think, that that iin itself is him cheating on his wife.
You and this guy need to seriously think about waht your doing. Do you reeally think that you two are soulmates, if so, is it important enough to the both of you 2 give up your marriages- with putting aside all feelings of guilt in hurting your partners. You need to figure it out fast, because believe me your husband andh is wife will be catching on and if not dealt with and stoped the inapropiate behaviur, it wil most likely effect the relationships negativly.
In all said, if you feel that it is not worth leaving your husband for, then you need to tell this man that him saying things that suggest you 2 should be together, are not appopiate and you do not appricate them and that they need to stop! Because if he contines it might build jealousy with the other parnters and make you start dreaming again.
I understand this is a very confusing time for you and that you don't know what to do! But, do some more thinking and hopefully you will be able to come up with a answer. Sorry if I didn't help much :(
good luck! and take care.
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