A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I would love to marry this woman i've been seeing for over a year now , My deal is I feel like if she gets very large at some point that i may lose my physical attraction for no wanting sex, I know by all standards that is wrong, but that's how i feel. It would only chalk up another divorce for me, and do her damage in return, and that's the last thing i would want to happen. I love her way too much than to unload that on her. She is very insecure about it anyway, How wrong am i? Just trying to be honest, And by the way i'm no Brad Pitt, Never claimed to be, And do not expect a Barbie, If i ever get married again i know she would be the one. Please help me out, And i'm not asking for all overweight women to throw me under the bus. Just a honest answer. Or opinion?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): Dude, you have every right to think this way. You need to tell her upfront about this, but do it in a non offensive way. You could tell her that you want to stay attractive to her and that you want her to be attractive to you. You should tell her that you two could make a commitment to each other to stay in good shape and that each other should tell the other if they get out of shape.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 Aren't you a bit too pessimistic ?
Why should she necessarily become very big ?It's a bit like saying: I am afraid that if my wife becomes totally bald, I won't be attracted to her. Anything can happen, alas, but the probability is not very high. So what makes you think of that, is she eating like a wolf, are all her relatives obese...what ?
And : how big is very big for you ? Would you still like her if she gained 5 pounds ? What about 10 ?...Where do you draw the line in terms of weight, and how close is she now to the limits of what's acceptable to you ?
Also, it's not like she can gain 20 pounds in a week, so
if she'd start putting on the first extra pounds , you could help her stop in time, you could exercise with her, or take upon yourself to cook healthy meals.
Maybe it's just that you are already not much attracted to her right now- therefore you are wary of any small change that may push her beyond the limits of what is desirable to you. In the case,please don't marry her. For your sake and for hers too.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 I think it is fair to expect your partner to stay somewhat in a healthy shape. Maybe even more so in a marriage as the person commits to you for life, and you know they wont just up and leave you if you gain a lot of weight.
At the same time, sex is also important in a relationship. And while I agree that no one should be shallow, there are also limits to what a person feels sexually attracted to. If your woman is already on the edge of what you can accept (not saying you are shallow, but if you aren't turned on by it you just aren't, easy as that), then perhaps marriage is not the best idea...? However, if she hasn't gained any weight, and could gain some without it being an issue for you, I don't think you should let your fears get the best of you.
If you do want to marry her, have a talk with her about marriage and what you expect in a marriage. You in return will have to do the same, and not put on more weight/develop nasty habits that will make both of your lives sour. After marriage, no one should "let things fall". So talk about expectations before a wedding. If you haven't talked to her about possibly getting married yet, I suggest you talk to her about possibly getting married and after some time bring up the conversation about expectations.
A married couple should tolerate hearing the truth from one another. You should be able to tell her "hun, I think you have gained a few pounds", without it making her fly off the handle. Nagging is of course not allowed, or hurtful remarks, but a good honest conversation should be allowed.
I don't think you are wrong to feel this way. I think you are being realistic.
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