A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello All!! So I have a problem. My father in law. He is starting to creep me out. He has always been very interetsed in me. Meaning he always trys to make conversation with me any time we are around each other. I am young and shy, so i dont really create conversation easily. But I have alwyas been respectful and carried on the discussion. There is a language barrier between me and my husbands family. Especially with his mother, who I would really rather talk with. So alot of times I just sit and mind my own business, play with the children. Just very quiet. More so lately I have been noticing that my father in law is always looking at me. For an example yesterday we went over to pick our son up, my husband and I left with him. My father in law walks out behind us to catch up with us. We continue to the car and I was putting my son in his car seat. My father in law went to sit on the car that was directly behind me as i was putting my child in the car seat. Another example was superbowl. We had his 3 borthers and sisters and parents over for the game. Everyone came in and went to set the food down in the kitchen, I was greeting them all at the door. My husbands dad was last to enter and he gave me the LONGEST hug of my life. I was dying!!! He doesnt even touch his wife this way. My husband did not see this neither did my mother in law. I wish they would have. One more time, I let my husbands father use our camera for his daughters birthday. I was going through the pictures and putting them on a CD for them and noticed a picture of myself bending over and it was a perfect shot of my clevage. Deleted this - didnt tell my husband. barf! I know there has been speculation in the past of him hitting on other women in the family. He has NEVER hit on me though. Any time this happens I am VERY obvious! I do tha awkward "pat on the back" i even sit there with my arms hanging to my sides while he continues to cling on to me. I always feel that he is looking at me when i am standing or walking by him. I do as much as i can to avoid him without being too obvious. I sort of see him as a father figure. I have known him since i was 16. I lived with them for some time. I am completly uncomfortable being around him now. My husband has brought it to my attention. He naturally is very protective of me around any men. He is having a hard time dealing with this because this is his dad. He is very sad and doesnt know how to deal with this. He feels he should say somthing but he does not want to cause issues within the family. He is afraid his mother would freek out. She is most defienantly aware, i can see her face sometimes. Yesterday my husbands aunt and uncle were there yesterday and i feel they caught on to it too. Very awkward. It makes me feel so disgusting and ugly! I cant explain how it makes me feel, but its just gross. It makes me feel like i am betraying them, like i am doing somthing wrong. Like they dont like me because of this. But i try so hard to avoid it and stay as far away as possible. My husband and I dont know how to deal with this. If we should say somthing. What would happen if we did say somthing. Its just not good and shouldnt be this way. any advice, experience would be greatly appreciated!!!! thanks!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): You should definitely talk to your father-in-law about his behavior, and you need to stop allowing him to touch you inappropriately. Standing with your arms at your sides while he hugs you for too long isn't being "obvious"; he thinks you like it because you're not telling him to stop. Push him away!Don't worry about hurting his feelings. I realize you don't want to cause discord in the family, but you say there's some concern that he may have been inappropriate with other family members. Someone needs to bring this creep's actions out in the open let him know he can't get away with it any more.Also, I wouldn't let him anywhere near nieces or granddaughters. Even in a large family gathering, he could contrive an opportunity to get a girl alone long enough to molest her. He may not be a pedophile but better safe than sorry.
A
female
reader, StarburstGrin +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Yes, I agree with Ampersand as well--and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this! That is disgusting! You are not disgusting, his father is! My beautiful cousins were molested by their own grandfather and have been in therapy for years and years, this should not be going on in families. He obviously has a problem that may need to be medically addressed! He could have an addiction or something. Please have your husband bring it up, if not directly, in the fashion that Ampersand mentioned. My Aunt wrote the grandfather a letter when she found out what he did to my cousins. I know that is far more intense than what you are talking about, but I know that you probably feel almost as awful if not as awful as they did. It is NOT your fault, it is his! Please don't feel the need to tip-toe around his feelings, he has already hurt yours and your family's enough!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): I don't think you should make up excuses as to why you can't come. That can wear on your marriage just as much as being uncomfortable with talking to your father-in-law.
I think your husband needs to sit down and talk with his dad about his behavior. Yes, his behavior certainly is odd. Ampersand, I think gave a great example of what to say. Instead of asking why he's hitting on you, your husband could ask if he thinks you're odd or if he doesn't like you. Noting the strange behavior that way is better than outright accusing him of having eyes for you.
Even if your husband is up-front and says "stop looking at my wife that way" or if he circles around with Ampersand's method, he needs to be the one doing the talking. But do not lie about it or make up excuses about why you can't attend family functions.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 There are no hard rules as to what to do. This subject is really taboo. No one dares to describe in laws as monsters, literally. If I were you, I would stop going to functions whenever your in law would be around. And if you knew he was coming, you go out, or you tell him he can't come because you are sick and need privacy, and no he can't bring medicine to you perhaps he can leave it at the frontsteps. If family members ask why they haven't seen you in a while, tell them directly but calmly, because you are uncomfortable around your in law. Notice, very brief, passive, no blaming no insulting even though what he does would fumigate me. I hope that they would understand and find ways around it like visiting you by themselves and not telling him about it. In a family, everyone knows something about everybody. Still, the respect is there and there is no need to be explicit about what's bothering you. What about Christmas and stuff? Just say you don't celebrate Christmas, it's just another day.
What's your husband going to say? Is he going to side on his father? If this is going to create awkwardness and he would rather protect his father and not you, let it be. Your in law lost his respectful position. It's a deal breaker if your husband is having problems with how you handle things. If family members don't like you as a result of this, you don't need them either. It's obvious that you are not someone who's mischievously flirtatious. You are not a trouble maker. In fact you distance yourself because you don't want any trouble, because the more you tolerate and hide behind a peaceful demeanor, you would create the inevitable moment that you would explode when the last straw broke the camel's back.
I know that your in law is being very subtle, but that doesn't change the intensity of his intentions and its effect on you.
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A
female
reader, The Girl with the Diver's Hair  +, writes (15 March 2011):
I wouldn't say anything at the moment just see how things go but do at some point bring it up to your father in law if this continues. ask if your husband is supporting you that is what you reall need right now. Good Luck. E xx
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