A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm recently married, but due to immigration controls i haven't seen my husband since September. I should mention I spend 3/4 of my life in one place and 1/4 in another; my husband is from the second place.I have had feelings for a guy in the first place since before I even started dating my husband several years ago. I always thought that those would go away, but not having my husband around and being around the other guy all the time (we are colleagues) has made everything get progressively stronger -yesterday there was a situation, he got into trouble and I couldn't go help him.... and I found myself thinking about him almost obsessively...then sure enough I had a dream about him last night, and in the dream we were together.I don't really know what to do, it feels like everyone has several possible people with whom they can be happy, and I've met two of them, but I'm not with the one I'm physically with... seems all wrong! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): just confirming that it was me, the original poster, who wrote the last comment - i was on a different computer
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): from the OP;
Thank you guys for replying - so what I should do is hang on, get my husband here, and then if this is still a problem while my husband is around, reassess everything?
I do love my husband. He's never been to the city where I've lived the past 3 years and I'm a slightly different person here, so I sometimes worry that he won't like this version of me, although he's given me no reason to think that.
I should clarify also that this guy isn't technically a colleague, he's a co-worker with a group of volunteer activists.
Any suggestions of how I can endure this? I haven't seen the other guy since Thursday's incident and I am absolutely going crazy with thinking about him. How do I get it to go away?
also I know that an affair is out of the question - I sort of feel like I love them both, which already means I'm having an emotional affair in a way? but it wouldn't be acting with any love towards anyone if I were to cheat - love is the extension of self with intent to help someone grow, and this would just shrink everyone involved really
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (10 December 2010):
 You should hang on and sort out the immigration issue. I was separated from my husband for over a year while I did battle with the Home Office numpties. It can drive anyone potty with all the bureaucracy and court appeals. Anyway I would say if you really think anything of your husband then you will leave the work-colleague alone. In reality he might not be the perfect boyfriend and you could end up on your own and very unhappy. If the Home Office ever find out about the affair then your chance of getting your husband a settlement visa would be jeopardised. The Home Office sometimes contact your employer to check your earnings in factoring your ability to sponsor a spouse. It is usually not a good idea to have an affair at work if you have career ambitions. You have to see this person in a professional capacity regardless of whether the relationship works out or not. You also have to endure office gossip and depending on the sector in which you work in, office romance is often frowned upon as distracting and inappropriate. Of course lots of people do meet their partners through work but you already have a husband and he should be the focus of your attention. You dream about the other man because he is a distraction as you go through a stressful period of separation. Be strong and hopefully it will all work out in the end.
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A
male
reader, BigSambo  +, writes (10 December 2010):
You did not say alot about your relationship with your husband? Do you love him enough to wait for him?
You obviously know that it is wrong to be with someone else, and that is good. You are married should focus on your husband and try to help him expedite his paper work if you can to join you or you joining him. This colleague is someone you can dream about it.
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